And the Mad Max Blu-ray Winner Is...

By Luke Y. Thompson in DVDs
Wednesday, June 12, 2013 at 2:30 pm

madmax1.jpg

I'm anxious to check out the new video game and see if any of you were remotely close.

A few entries of note:

Not before now, PresidentJuggernaut

Isn't it obvious?

Fresh off of their "success" in Identity Thief, the studio hires Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy as a pair of "hilarious" and evil post-apocalyptic gang leaders. They both wear torn up studded leather costumes, and football shoulder pads complete with large iron spikes jutting out. And both wear welding masks with fighter plane nose art, which tend to flip down over their faces mid conversation, Dark Helmet style. Sandystorm is the strait man, the planner. He is able to goad underlings who fail him into killing themselves using only the power of sarcasm. Princess Die is the wild card, with a habit of pouncing on enemies and tearing their throats with her teeth while making obvious quips. And falling over at inopportune times.

They lead a gang of former WWF superstars and punk rock rejects across the barren wasteland in search of fuel and a place to call home.



But where's James Franco in all this, kellyandraesmith?

General Ursus and Dr.Zaus, and the mutants. The rise of the apes happened in America, and after the alpha omega bomb (glory be to the bomb) has desolated the landscaoe the apes are expanding and hunting the remaining humans while the mutants are doing what they do, being weird. Max is trying to stop the other bomb from destroying the moon

Devilsrevolver goes for the low-hanging fruitcakes.
I am gonna say Mel Gibson as Jewpacabra, a mutant human lizard hybrid that only eats human meat prepared the kosher way. Also the zombified remains of Ike Turner who is called Uncle Mayhem who repeatedly slaps Aunt Entity for no reason.

I'm burned out on jokes about your first choice, seanmcdonough19, but not your second.
Kim Kardashian. She's survived the nuclear holocaust but her plastic surgeons didn't so over the years she's turned herself into a frankenstein monster of mismatched, stitched together, younger person patches of skin.

Daniel Day Lewis. Also survived the apocalypse but in the aftermath he started to loose his mind and now his personality is a composite of all the method characters he played over the years. He wears a stovetop hat, swings a bowling pin at people, and navigates the wasteland in a wheelchair that he moves with only his left foot. (point out to him that he's using his arm to swing the bowling pin and he'll beat you to death with a bowling pin)


Speaking of which, no David Caruso options? NOOOOOOO. But here's a Star Trek/Tom Hardy one from hmmm...
An evil clone of Max, raised from birth to hate him, and hell-bent on destruction. Played by Patrick Stewart. Oh, and he has Methuselah Syndrome...

Umm...Taintbeard? Thanks for that image, mugen607.
The group is known as The Rectorals.

Bilge Walter - Second in Command to Taintbeard

Taintbeard - I really don't want to go in depth as to what his name entails as to his appearance. Although he has at least one spot of growth coming out of his chin poking through his filthy beard, yellow as piss soaked snow teeth, one completely white eye while the other one's patched, and a platinum blonde perm. He has blue eye liner, and crimson lips. His eyes are a very beautiful blue. As for his outfit he wears something of a leather jacket-vest with tassels hanging from the back of it, with his hairy chest and baby pacifier covered nipples exposed, biker shorts with a live rattlesnake(named Timoty -yes without an H) acting as a belt. No shoes, which leads to his callus ridden feet. He's crazy as hell obviously, has an obsession with his fitted sheet flinging off of his gross mattress during intercourse with his concubines, but he has an amazing singing voice.

Taintbeard also has four rabid dogs named Shin Splints, Staph, Matilda, and Rickets.

I am trying really hard here with this one, I absolutely adore replacing my old DVD copies with Blu-rays and spreading the joy of film in my peer group.


Don't be surprised if Dimension rips this off for one of their sequels, VindicaSean.
Ed Asner in full-on, pig-man face makeup as...Hoggish Greedly, the Captain Planet villain

Doug Bradley as Pinhead, only to show up and say, "Christ, there is literally nothing I can do that you haven't already done to yourselves here. Tearing your soul apart would mean you still have one. I mean-- I try, y'know? I once bonded twins together into a single homonculitic Cenobite because they couldn't bear to part with each other, but THIS-- *points to wasteland, general air of desperation and hopelessness*....*sigh* I got nothin'"


Unnecessary, ComradeDread1? Not the one you're pitching.
1. Mel Gibson, not in character. just Mel Gibson showing up throughout the movie randomly punching people and his henchwoman Sugar Tits, who is really just a pretty girl with craft services who is following Gibson out of fear for her life. Edit

2. The Uninterested Movie Goer and The Critic who together ignore a completely unnecessary sequel, thereby dooming Max to oblivion.

Your winner is calibretto23, for making a pitch I would actually consider if I were in charge of things.

I would have a return from the Johnny the Boy (Have him have made it through his foot but still badly burnt) and his former partner Jim Goose. Call them The Burnt or the Scarred. Mix a good part Aunty and a good part Humongous. One with a post apocalyptic peg leg and the other with a lack of skin over a large portion of his face. Have them be currently running the town from the first movie that went to hell after Max left.

Please email me your contact info and we'll get this out.


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