And just like that, Ben "I was the bomb in Phantoms" Affleck is the new Dark Knight. Gone is the brooding playboy with the voice that sounds like he gargled with hydrochloric acid, replaced with the actor who has no fear. Worse yet, this opens the doors to new masturbatory fantasies for Kevin Smith, who just hours ago announced on Twitter that he had indeed seen Affleck naked.
While this decision is surely going to be the lead news story on nerd and mundane news sites alike today, with legions of fanboys already drinking their Hater-aid and gathering their pitchforks and torches, I am here to bring you good news. While Affleck might be the next Batman, this paves the way for him to not interfere with so many other characters whose tights he sure as hell doesn't belong in. So no matter what you think of Gigli donning the cape and cowl, take comfort in knowing that the following are superheroes that he will not likely be ruining...
7. The Punisher
Affleck by Medill DC
It takes a certain amount of bravado to play a character like the Punisher, particularly in this day an age where tragedies have turned the gun into pariah. While Dolph "Drago" Lundgren played the role in all of its B-movie splendor, it was when Thomas Jane took over the skull shirt of Frank Castle that the character's film career took off. It's hard to see anyone else in the role - though Ray Stevenson gave it a good try - but the idea of Affleck mowing down scores of drug lords and pimps is almost impossible to imagine. Likely it would play out like the results of an unholy mating between the Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season scene from Jay and Silent Bob and the entirety of Gigli.
6. Any of the Ninja Turtles
Sorry Ben, but if you were waiting for a call from Michael Bay about the new Ninja Turtles movie, I think you just killed your chances.
First off, at 6'4" tall, he's almost double the size of a Ninja Turtle. While the technology of the Lord of the Rings films has shown that we can shrink someone in size digitally, it's doubtful that technology could shrink Affleck to the appropriate size without making him look like a green Oompa Loompa. But technology aside, it's the attitude of the characters that he would be lacking; it's doubtful that he could display the brains of Donatello or the brooding of Raphael. Perhaps 20 years ago he could have captured the essence of Michaelangelo, but he certainly lacks the leadership credibility of Leonardo. Sorry friends, but the only role Affleck would get in my turtles movie would be Casey Jones, and it might take some casting couch favors to even get that far.
5. Mermaid Man
There is only one man on this planet that could shout the word "EVIL!" with the convictions of the most famous superhero in SpongeBob's hometown of Bikini Bottom, and that's his original actor Ernest "Cabbie" Borgnine. No amount of money on the planet would be worth Affleck losing his Hollywood physique for the rotund body of Mermaid Man, and an A-list actor like himself would not dare have his visage covered by a purple starfish.
Affleck, known to be a comic lover himself, would also take major issue with the costume. It's well known that one does not put nipples on a Batsuit, but the Mermaid Man costume features what looks to be shell-shaped nipple pasties, a major no-no to any comic fan. Sadly, the one true Mermaid Man, Borgnine, passed away in 2012, and it's doubtful anyone, especially Affleck, could fill that Speedo.
4. Green Lantern
Affleck by Talk Radio News Service
Let's face it, kids, Ryan Reynolds was not what most of us expected in Hal Jordan, Green Lantern of sector 2814. While most of us were expecting a cocky, arrogant Jordan, we weren't quite expecting him to go full douchebag. Reynolds' Green Lantern straddled the line between unlikable and asshat, and by the time he became someone we could possibly relate to, it was time for the obligatory tent pole action scenes.
Affleck donning the ring and saying the oath would be just as bad, not because he would be too much of a dick, but because he wouldn't be a dick at all. He'd be much more boy scout than Hal Jordan ever was, and any attempt at acting badass would likely turn out to be a caricature of his performance in Mallrats. We would all be screwed in an uncomfortable place if we had to watch him take over for Reynolds, and not in the backseat of a Volkswagen.