Affleck by joshc
For some reason, Alison Blaire, aka the mutant known as Dazzler, has not gotten her fair shake in this new era of superhero films. Her cameo was cut before filming in X-Men: The Last Stand, and her only appearance thus far is her name on a list in X-Men 2. It's a travesty for many reasons: she's hot, she's talented, she shoots lasers from her finger and she can do the hustle. It's obvious that Marvel/Disney have not found the right actor to play this important role, and thankfully it's not Affleck.
First off, he's not hot, at least not Dazzler hot. Sure, we can make him a blonde and Photoshop could trim him down to a more Alison Blaire size, but it seems unlikely that an audience would be able to suspend disbelief enough to accept him in this role. It's likely that any film depicting Dazzler would involve the character singing, and from his performance in Jersey Girl, his voice would leave a lot to be desired. It's also doubtful that he could pull off the dance moves necessary for a disco star of Dazzler's caliber. Lastly, I don't think any comic loving moviegoer would want to see Affleck in hot pants...except perhaps my wife.
2. Batman Beyond/Terry McGinnis
One of the wonderful rumors going around after the end of Christian Bale's run as the Caped Crusader was that the next incarnation might take place in the future, with protege Terry McGinnis taking the mantle of Batman and Bruce Wayne looking on as a mentor. Given the popularity of Bale's Batman, the idea of being able to include his characterization of Bruce Wayne is one that likely had studios salivating, especially when given the possibility of pairing him up with a glittery vampire or werewolf.
While I would love to see films set with the Batman Beyond storyline, the plain fact is that Affleck is too old to don the McGinnis Batsuit. If they choose to venture into the Beyond territory after the Affleck run of films (which are likely to be many as it's doubtful he signed a contract for a single movie), it's likely they will need to recast the character of old man Wayne, as the idea of him playing any sort of mentor boggles the mind.
1. Senhor Testiculo
According to research, women are more attracted to men who have the right amount of facial hair. Too much and they look like the cast of Duck Dynasty; too little and they look like Christopher Mintz-Plasse. It's that hair that would be so necessary to the defender of the danglers, the guardian of the gonads, the hero of the inheritance, the Braavosi of the Balls, Senhor Testiculo. It would be a smart move for Affleck to pursue this character, as testicular cancer is a hot-button issue that he could really sink his teeth into, educating men and comic lovers of all ages that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance, and self-examination.
Sadly, while Affleck can certainly rock the five o'clock shadow, it's doubtful that his limited facial hair alone could provide the level of coverage necessary for Senhor Testiculo, which is disappointing seeing as how Affleck is multilingual. On second thought, however, we here at Topless Robot wholeheartedly believe that if Hollywood were to make a Senhor Testiculo movie, they should give serious consideration to Ben Affleck.
Previously by Jason Helton: