Ten Weird And True Facts About Hatsune Miku

Wednesday, August 14, 2013 at 6:00 am

5) Japanese Fans Willingly Ate These Disgusting Hatsune Miku Noodles


I've already mentioned the absurd merchandising presence of Hatsune Miku, but we all know where the real money in merchandising comes from: foodstuffs!

That's right, for about 700 yen, provided you were prowling the nerdy streets of Akihabara, you could've held your nose and eaten these patently disgusting-looking blue Yakisoba noodles that look like what would happen if somebody's cosplay wig fell into a deep fryer next to some inedible funnel cake.

The best response to this on the Japanese sides comes, once again, from 2ch:

"Enjoy your cancer."

4) People Are Spending Thousands of Dollars to Set Up Their Own Private Hatsune Miku Concerts


Just in case I haven't made the point clear enough yet: Hatsune Miku fanboys can get a little bit intense. They spend a God damn fortune on merchandise and toys, and they'll spend even more to create things like this:

The logistics of pulling this off is crazy. Take it from a guy who worked in A/V for a while; this guy isn't screwing around. The dude also has a "documentary" video on his YouTube channel, in case you're also bored and, uh, mad enough to put this thing together.

Of course you could also just copy his design and project whatever else you wanted to perform for you in your living room. If any of you want to copy this and replace Hatsune Miku with a life-sized CGI version of Back to the Future's Doc Brown, I will drive as far as possible to be a part of it. Also for sexual reasons.

3) The Domino's Pizza App


By far, the absolute highlight of Hatsune Miku's corporate-controlled synergy is the recent partnership with Domino's Pizza in Japan. To wit: by ordering special pizza boxes from Domino's dank underground Pizza Laboratories, you can also download a special iPhone app that will recognize certain codes on the boxes wherein Miku will perform a special concert! Just for you! Because haven't we all ordered a pizza and wished that it came with a choreographed song and dance routine?

Needless to say, this was a MASSIVE SUCCESS, and Domino's Pizza is currently enjoying its biggest success story to date. But more importantly than any of that, it brought us this especially creepy and super-weird video featuring Domino's US President. Oh dear lord.

2) Hatsune Miku Killed a Motorcyclist and Nearly Crushed an Old Woman to Death


Beneath any pop diva's outwardly cheery exterior lies a heart of darkness and sorrow. We all know this. Behind Hatsune Miku's harmless facade, she has literally killed a 43-year old Motorcycle racer who was attempting to qualify for the Isle of Man TT Race over a month ago as a part of the Good Smile racing team, which is adorned with all sorts of Hatsune Miku ephemera. Not so fatal but also eerie was the fate of an elderly woman attending the yearly Sapporo Snow Festival; a 3-meter-tall "Snow Miku" sculpture was erected to showcase Miku's support of both snow and sculpture, which was all fine and dandy until Miku's head fell off and nearly crushed an old lady's back.

Just some freak accidents, right? I'm no so sure. That leads me to...

1) According to Every Cyberpunk Anime Ever, Virtual Idols WILL Go Crazy and Try to Kill Us All


Science-fiction has a long history with the concept of the "Rogue Artificial Intelligence." From the modest beginnings of the disrespectful HAL-9000 to the murderous rampage of SKYNET, we've been predicting our doom from our A.I. overlords for some time now.

But in Japan, the thing that's always freaked me out about this Hatsune Miku thing is: HAVEN'T THESE SAME NERDS SEEN MACROSS PLUS?!?

In Macross Plus, the virtual idol Sharon Apple is the foremost entertainer of her time - one could say the same thing about Hatsune Miku in Japan right now - who is beloved by all. But her corporate benefactors have a much more sinister plan in order: her advanced A.I. construct will take over the powerful SDF-1 Macross in order to destroy and control all of mankind.

Considering Hatsune Miku's malevolence in recent months (see above), who's to say that we won't soon be living in a dystopian future world run by the cute Hatsune Miku and her militant robot death squads? Where are the robot-fighting pop stars in the likeness of Bubblegum Crisis to save us from our J-Pop-singing overlords as they wreak nothing but death and doom?

My hope is that the future children of America will stop this menace.

From the mouths of babes.

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