Thirteen Weirdly Inappropriate Figurines for Train Sets (That You Can Buy Right Now)

By Luke Y. Thompson in Daily Lists, Toys
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 6:00 am

pervthomas.jpg
original Thomas pic by kewsvnet

In the time before action figures - a time of darkness for individuals with active inner children - it was more common to put aside childish things as adulthood was entered into, because frankly, many toys weren't all that good, even if they were more likely to be made of metal or wood, and did a whole lot of damage if you threw them against the wall.

One significant exception, however, was the train set. Even before Star Wars toys ushered in figure-collecting as we know it, adults could get away with having elaborate model railway dioramas, and be thought of as perhaps only mildly eccentric. Time has moved on, and companies like NECA and McFarlane have made it reasonably mainstream for action figures to feature R-rated content. What I didn't know, until going on some Amazon search tangent recently, is that the toy companies who cater to train hobbyists have done the same.

If tiny (and terribly done) representations of nudity are NSFW, be careful how you proceed from here...



13. People Mooning.

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Mooning trains is a thing, so this isn't completely inappropriate for a realistic diorama. It's just that if you buy it for your display, you'll be looking at bare ass, day in and day out. If you've ever read Marilyn Manson's autobiography, in which he describes the way his grandfather would use the sound of a toy train to cover up other things, you're already picturing the individual I imagine buying these.

You Bronies thought you had it bad from the pervs who give your collections a horrible stigma? Wait till we get to the end of this list.

12. Fat People.

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Amazon user Winter-Berry

"Excuse me, sir? I'd like to buy some fat people, please."

Before Amazon existed, somebody actually said those words aloud. It's an oddly niche request, but on the one hand, it's nice that at least one subsection of the toy market recognizes body image issues (and/or fetishes, but I'm trying to be generous this early in the list...it's gonna get harder).

On the other - is it just me or does the one on the far left look a whole lot like a certain former president? And is his placement on said far-left a statement? Is it a stretch to imagine the women in this assortment as deliberate variations on said chief executive's perceived "type"?

Maybe. We can still give benefits of the doubt on some of these.

11. Clumsy Minimum Wage Guy.

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This figure's actual name is "CAUTION! WET FLOOR" but however you want to phrase it, it's a guy who tripped and ruined some inventory. What kind, I'm not sure - his garb and the crate would suggest milk, but its brownish color would imply Yoo-hoo at best.

Alternately, it's a sentient alien blob that's trying to hide, and the dude is crouching on the floor to try and get a good look through the crate. If this were a movie, somebody innocuous would suddenly tap him on the shoulder right about now for a cheap fake-out fright, and the critter would get away.

10. A Vampire.

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Why is a vampire hailing a train? Given his classical appearance, this bloodsucker seems like the kind who could just turn into a bat and save himself some fare. Also, what's up with his cape? It looks like there's a big whole hole in it, and that brown really doesn't go too well with the rest of his outfit.

If you could somehow sand off the hugely prominent fangs, however, you might have yourself a decent Jon Pertwee Doctor. Though, again, why would he hail the train when he can accidentally materialize inside one?

9. Urinating Dogs.

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When just plain old dogs won't do, because you specifically have to see them going to the toilet, fear not - Bachmann Trains has you covered. If you ever crank the train too fast and it derails, you can always claim the pissing dogs rusted the track, I suppose.

I'm not sure what's going on with the weird black shadows. They're either the by-product of bad cropping, or some sort of fucked-up, Peter Pan-like attempt by the canine shadows to escape from their terrible toy hosts.

8. Homeless People.

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I guess when you hear the word "hobo," hopping trains does come to mind, along with a cartoonish bundle on the end of a stick. But these aren't called "hobos" - I was about to say because that's not a very politically correct word, but anyone making this particular toy and worrying about shades of political correctness is already not seeing the urban jungle for the pylons.

Let's take a look at these fun little homeless caricatures made for the amusement of collectors: we have Encyclopedia Brown, Yoga Dude, guy sleeping the wrong way around in an overly narrow box, Genuinely Depressed Guy in hideous green pants, token non-white who looks like he's getting drunk, and Kenny Powers from Eastbound and Down. It's odd to want homeless people in your display anyway, but it's just as odd to think that somebody looking for homeless figurines would find these to be the epitome of what he or she imagined.

Click ahead with caution, folks, because from here on it's all tiny, tiny nudity...


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