7. Nudist Sunbathers.
Enough is enough. I am offended.
Not by miniature nudity or micro-pubes, mind you. I'm offended that toys like this give people unrealistic ideas about actual nudist bathers, who are more likely to have nutsacks down to their knees. Somebody make a toy of THAT.
Wait, what am I saying? No. Scratch that. Please NEVER do that, even in jest.
I do love the totally mismatched Amazon review, complimenting the set on "True German thoroughness" while saying, "All very well painted even down to the matching collars and cuffs, apart from the Irish barmaid standing at the center."
6. Naked Female Mutant in a Top Hat.
What in the FLYING FUCK is going on with her right arm? Is "Burlesque Lady Wearing Top Hat" the next Terminator, sent from the future with a new time-travel program that makes an exception to its "no non-living tissue" rule for a top hat? Is she some kind of She-Trap-Jaw from a Masters of the Universe porn? Whatever weird titillation the nude mini might induce, I tend to think that having a giant scythe for a hand runs counter to it.
But as my wife always says, everything looks cuter in a little hat. And a little hat is indeed present.
5. Lady Flasher.
It's unclear from the Amazon description whether or not this little woman actually comes with a "censored" bar - it would be funnier if she did, and clearly there is no objection by Amazon or anyone else to showing mucho mini-boob on other entries.
But I'm going to ignore that to focus on her super-huge jaw, because why not. Nothing like a mini-Schwarzenegger in drag to turn railway pervs on.
4. A Faceless Mermaid.
I'm going strictly by the picture here, because I truly hope the actual item at least attempts a face. Yes, we know - or imagine we know, based on fairly solid evidence - that some of the buyers of these products judge women only by their bodies, but if you can't pretend personality matters, at least give it a go at acting like the face counts.
More seriously, though - what model railway calls for a mermaid? Does your diorama involve the train crashing into the ocean somehow? Or is consistency in world-building simply not for you?
3. Naked Woman With Bathtub.
It is a very nice bathtub. With gold fixtures and everything.
Just one question here, though...
WHY IS YOUR TOY TRAIN GOING THROUGH A BATHROOM?
Too much to ask, ya think?
2. "Walking Female Elf."
A.K.A. "I like my naked women to wear fairy wings, for some reason. I have no concept of what the term 'Elf' even means, nor do I give a fuck. I'm using it as code so I can get this thing stocked by legitimate stores, and by extension smear all you dorks who like elfy stuff as pervs by extension. I am a complete sociopath, and you can all go fuck yourselves."
1. Pervert Doctor and Patient.
I hate to jump to conclusions based on a tiny, shitty image, but when that image seems to be a doctor molesting a topless patient while laughing about it on his cell phone...
Can I start drinking now?
Just kidding...I started at least four entries ago.
We never settled on a good substitute for the exploding head image, did we? I am starting to think Marilyn Manson's grandpa might not have been the exception, after all.
[All images are the the official product photos on Amazon.com, unless stated otherwise]