I finally lost my Axel Braun virginity and watched one of these things. Mainly because it was free, and I figured that in the interest of research, better serving my readership, and even filling a fraction of the void left by Fan Fiction Friday, I owed it to the world.
I think this is the first time I’ve watched a porn film beginning to end since that gimmicky 3-D one from the ’70s played theaters some 15 years ago. And I was an actual virgin then, so it was generally more fascinating. I tend to find X-rated sex scenes less interesting nowadays than even R-rated ones where the actors at least believably pretend to have an emotional connection. Which is not to say I didn’t find this one fascinating in its own right.
It’s hard to call it good or bad by conventional standards, though. So in the spirit of the term Best Worst Movie, coined for Troll 2, here are a dozen of the Best-Worst things about Wolverine XXX: An Axel Braun Parody…
[Note: some of the images that follow may once have been NSFW, but all naughty bits are covered up with an appropriate icon.]
1. Informer, You No Say Daddy Braun He Have No Blame
The disclaimer that kicks things off is probably a legal mandate, but it’s pretty funny anyway.
The idea that Axel Braun is advocating monogamy and/or abstinence is only slightly more far-fetched than adamantium-laced bones, but the best is that this is for informational purposes. Because it’s actually true – you’ve always wondered certain details about how superheroes would have sex, and these movies finally show you in graphic detail. More on that later on, when we get to Rogue…
2. Weapon XXX
This is by far the best costume in the film. Probably because it doesn’t actually require much clothing.
And while we’re at it, let’s give credit to…
3. Lights, Camera, Action
Everyone gets some action, of course. But Braun actually seems to care about lighting and camera placement too.
Hell, he even knows that “rack focus” doesn’t mean “point camera at boobies.” He does both.
4. Don’t Get Your Panties in a Bunch
For some reason, Wolverine sticks his fists into the back of his trunks while getting blown by Domino. Considering where his claws come out, that seems like a very dangerous place for them to be. Except…
5. He’s Trapped in a Claws-Set
Wolverine’s claws never pop out. Naturally, there’s one thing on him that does pop out, but Braun missed a golden opportunity to add the “Snikt!” effect when it does. His claws are already out in the opening sequence, but just like the reference to Omega Red in the same scene, they’re never in the picture again.
6. Clothes Mock the Man
Braun’s movies have a reputation for comic-accurate costumes that look better, at times, than their counterparts in other movies – his Wonder Woman and Man of Steel outfits have been particularly noteworthy of late.
And he must have blown all his money on them. Because this is the worst Sabretooth and Lady Deathstrike ever.
Not that Wolverine looks much better. But at least he takes his clothes off sometimes. Poor Deadpool and Spider-Man have to fuck fully costumed.
Spider-Man, you say? Indeed. Moving along…
7. Criss-Cross’ll Make Ya…Hump, Hump!
Axel Braun likes to rub it in Hollywood’s face when he does something better than the official movies. In this case, he shows off the fact that he can do a character crossover that’s impossible through official channels, because three different studios own the rights.
Now, I’m not saying he does anything GOOD with all these characters he has access to in parody form. In fact, he does something very, very bad. Remember what I said earlier about this being informational? Well…
8. Questions Are Answered
Even Bryan Singer’s movies worried about how Rogue would ever have sex. The answer may surprise you, but Braun has actually thought it out. She absorbs Deadpool’s powers, they overwhelm hers, and that makes it safe for Spidey to, uh, do whatever a Spider-Man can at the same time…
Cthulhu will be pleased.
9. Organic Webshooters of a Different Kind
Domino seems to have gained the powers of Spider-Man in this one – she produces long, thick streams of spit from her mouth. It’s gross.
I can’t even post a picture, because it looks too much like a different body fluid that might get us in trouble for showing. Just trust me – it’s not a turn-on. Though it doesn’t make Wolvie’s boner go down in the least.
10. Logan Needs Lubrication…for His Voice
Tommy Gunn’s growl is hilarious. Imagine Christian Bale’s Batman trying to pretend he’s Hugh Jackman, and you get the general idea. Best of all, he does it even as he’s “doing it,” so all his sex grunts are equally scratchy and fake-Jackmany.
11. Giver Phoenix
Remember how Wolverine kept dreaming of Jean Grey in his bed in the new movie? Remember how tame those dreams seemed in comparison to the dreams many guys actually have in the morning? Well…
Aside from that, there’s only one other scene that’s even remotely like James Mangold’s movie – Wolverine has a flashback to Japan, and events he wasn’t actually privy to, when poor Mariko is stressing out over the fact that Wolverine is going to fight her father. In order to relax, however, she comes up with a brilliant plan…
That’s right – sex with the servant. Several times. After which she is promptly murdered by a ninja, because if there’s one thing ninjas hate, it’s lesbians.
12. Ironically, No Climax
Criticizing the plot of a porn film is a fool’s errand, but when it comes to this parody, Braun may be too literal – just like Iron Man 2, the entire movie is basically just a set-up for future installments, as it ends following a first confrontation with Sabretooth with a blatant hook for a sequel…
…the revelation that XXX-23: An Axel Braun Parody is probably already in sight. I don’t think I’ll be counting down the days. As far as turn-ons go, the Mariko-servant one was the only one I’d say I liked. Rogue going all finger-cuffs on Spidey and Deadpool I need never see again, and would be hard pressed to suggest anyone else needs to either.
Still, should you wish to view it, you can watch the Wolverine Porn Parody online at Vivid.com.
[Special thanks to Jason Helton for the Romero/Abraxas head idea]