8. Questions Are Answered
Even Bryan Singer's movies worried about how Rogue would ever have sex. The answer may surprise you, but Braun has actually thought it out. She absorbs Deadpool's powers, they overwhelm hers, and that makes it safe for Spidey to, uh, do whatever a Spider-Man can at the same time...
Cthulhu will be pleased.
9. Organic Webshooters of a Different Kind
Domino seems to have gained the powers of Spider-Man in this one - she produces long, thick streams of spit from her mouth. It's gross.
I can't even post a picture, because it looks too much like a different body fluid that might get us in trouble for showing. Just trust me - it's not a turn-on. Though it doesn't make Wolvie's boner go down in the least.
10. Logan Needs Lubrication...for His Voice
Tommy Gunn's growl is hilarious. Imagine Christian Bale's Batman trying to pretend he's Hugh Jackman, and you get the general idea. Best of all, he does it even as he's "doing it," so all his sex grunts are equally scratchy and fake-Jackmany.
11. Giver Phoenix
Remember how Wolverine kept dreaming of Jean Grey in his bed in the new movie? Remember how tame those dreams seemed in comparison to the dreams many guys actually have in the morning? Well...
Aside from that, there's only one other scene that's even remotely like James Mangold's movie - Wolverine has a flashback to Japan, and events he wasn't actually privy to, when poor Mariko is stressing out over the fact that Wolverine is going to fight her father. In order to relax, however, she comes up with a brilliant plan...
That's right - sex with the servant. Several times. After which she is promptly murdered by a ninja, because if there's one thing ninjas hate, it's lesbians.
12. Ironically, No Climax
Criticizing the plot of a porn film is a fool's errand, but when it comes to this parody, Braun may be too literal - just like Iron Man 2, the entire movie is basically just a set-up for future installments, as it ends following a first confrontation with Sabretooth with a blatant hook for a sequel...
...the revelation that XXX-23: An Axel Braun Parody is probably already in sight. I don't think I'll be counting down the days. As far as turn-ons go, the Mariko-servant one was the only one I'd say I liked. Rogue going all finger-cuffs on Spidey and Deadpool I need never see again, and would be hard pressed to suggest anyone else needs to either.
Still, should you wish to view it, you can watch the Wolverine Porn Parody online at Vivid.com.
[Special thanks to Jason Helton for the Romero/Abraxas head idea]