If one of the great virtues of horror movies is its essential peanut-butter-and-chocolate combination of sex and violence, Doug Aarniokoski's Nurse 3D, opening today, must have been blessed by Saint Reese's. Paz de la Huerta, whose distinguishing characteristic as an actress is her aversion to clothing, plays Abby Russell, a skillful physician's assistant who moonlights as a vigilante sexpot preying upon philanderers and sleazeballs.
Suffice it to say that the premise alone promises plentiful nudity and shamelessly gory violence. But rather than bothering with the prosaic challenge of reviewing Nurse 3D, we decided instead to catalogue the movie's odd sexual proclivities, which seem destined to prompt a little roleplaying between kinkier cinemagoers, if not generally inspire audience members to integrate a few new tricks into their slap-and-tickle repertoire.
1. Having sex with a partner who has a dozen hypodermic needles stuck in his chest.
In the film, Abby is sort of like Batman - that is, if the Caped Crusader offered handies to perps before meting out justice. Following a scene in which she lures an unsuspecting horndog to her, uh, medical examination room (the film doesn't show how they got there), she ties him down, mounts the poor sucker and rides him, like, well, a corpse, climaxing as we discover that he's been injected with a few dozen CCs of something-or-other to immobilize him.
Surgical precision is one of Abby's many talents, and because she makes final-act talking killers seem monosyllabic by comparison, she makes it clear that she's controlled the dosage pumped into her necromantic companion. Suffice it to say it might take a few tries to get the right amount of "paralysis juice" into your partner's system, but if you have to enlist the supervision of a doctor, who knows? You might discover two new fetishes rather than one.
2. A partner who always seems to be wearing a wig - sideways.
Anyone who's seen Paz de la Huerta in a movie or on TV before knows she's a bit of an oddball - not only eager to shed her britches, but a performer from the school of Crispin Glover, or at his most extreme, Nicolas Cage, where believability takes a back seat to a certain kind of cartoonish uniqueness. In Nurse 3D, she delivers her lines like they're being played on a turntable that keep alternating speeds, and makes herself up like a party girl whose style appears to be "morning walk of shame, 24 hours a day."
Even when she's perfectly coiffed, at work and at play, her hair feels... off, as if, yeah, she's wearing a wig that got yanked loose after a rough night. Meanwhile, her syrupy speech pattern feels pregnant with double-secret mysterious meanings, even when she's discussing the most ordinary and decidedly unerotic of tasks. And while a mussed appearance and a good double entendre might already get your juices flowing, after watching this film, you may find yourself a little randier than usual when your partner walks in from work, clothes mud-stained and wet from a puddle, and announces, "my doctor said my cholesterol is too high. Oh also, I sharted."
3. Donald Ducking.
To be honest, this is probably already a thing - when a person walks around with a short or some kind of top on, but no pants or bottoms of any kind. But as evidenced by Donald Sutherland in Animal House or Julianne Moore in Short Cuts, this particular sartorial choice is typically portrayed as either a humorous or dramatic counterpoint to the dialogue, and seldom as a genuine display of erotic liberation. And quite frankly, it comes as little surprise that de la Huerta is the one to turn it into a turn-on.
Admittedly, de la Huerta actually does this so often it almost becomes Girls-style nudity - meaning extraordinarily normal, and really not altogether sexual. But honestly, that's more of a byproduct of its frequency in the film than the character's intent, which is to keep people off guard - or maybe draw them in - with her unapologetic sensuality. So when trying this at home, remember two things: one, it's basically never sexy for a guy to do this, because he just looks like Winnie the Pooh, and two, maybe ask your lady friend to deploy this sex bomb in moderation, so that you don't get so tired of her lady parts that you actually start calling that style "de la Huerta'ing."
4. Elective surgery - like the amputation of whole limbs.
Amputee/disfigurement porn already has to exist, right? Surely J.G. Ballard didn't come up with the idea of people fetishizing car crashes out of his imagination. Nevertheless, Aarniokoski ups the ante by having Abby turn the tables on one suitor by strapping him down to a gurney after promising sex and then slowly disfiguring him. She starts with a scalpel, carving the word "pig" in his chest, but moves onto to bigger and better things, eventually taking a bone saw to the poor fellow's right arm.
Mind you, this sort of sexual transgression requires a considerable amount of trust - primarily that they know what the hell they're doing with the knife, saw or whatever cutting device they choose to use for their amateur surgery. But for those folks who are really into bodily fluids, this particular addition to your personal Encyclopedia Erotica seems like it's gushing, literally, with potential.