Michael Keaton: "HE'S GONNA SUCK!"
Heath Ledger: "HE'S GONNA SUCK!"
Daniel Craig: "HE'S GONNA SUCK!"
Peter Capaldi: "HE'S GONNA SUCK!"
Every single person cast in Batman vs. Superman: "HE'S GONNA SUCK!"
As you can see, nerd outrage is an inexact science at best. And yet here we are, getting angrier and angrier with every announcement as to who plays who in Man of Steel 2: Steeler and Steelerer.
Ben Affleck -- the Gigli guy - is Batman. Jeremy Irons, a psychotic murderous terrorist lion, is Alfred. Jessie Eisenberg, a bushy-haired kid best known for playing the freakin' Facebook guy, is Lex goddamned Luthor. And Gal Gadot becomes Wonder Woman after a few Fast and Furious films and nothing else. In many ways, this seems less like a movie, and more like a scientific experiment to learn just how quickly millions of dorky brains can explode into a mass of goo the size of the Pacific. And you know what? They totally should. At this point, DC should just fuel the hate, and assemble the most unlikable cast imaginable. Every role should be played by somebody that Outraged Nerd Inc. will immediately proclaim doesn't "fit the part," but who could theoretically turn in an awesome performance and prove ONI wrong yet again. Might we suggest ...
8. The Flash, Played by Robert Pattinson
Yes, that is Edward from Twilight we're suggesting for the role of the Flash. And if the scriptwriters don't include Flash (we're just assuming this thing is a glorified Justice League party,) then they can probably fit 'ol Sparkles elsewhere. As long as he gets camera time, Operation Piss Off The Nerds will be a successful one.
But people who only see Pattinson as a mopey vampire sell the dude short. He can act, as seen in films like Little Ashes (his playing of Salvador Dali as an actual human being and not a wackaloon cariacture deserves all the awards.) He did Twilight almost entirely because he was young and needed the money, though getting to hit on the cute girl playing his love interest didn't hurt either. Dismissing him as a legitimate actor because Twilight sucks is like saying the Rolling Stones are a shitty band because they sang about Rice Krispies before making it big.
Besides, Pattinson has nerd cred - or did anyway. Remember, he was Cedric Diggory in one of the Harry Potter movies, and his role was very well-received for reasons other than "he died." We like to think that, as The Flash, he'd be well on his way to earning that cred back. Unless Zack Snyder makes him all glittery, which we would not put past him.
7. Aquaman, Played by Matt Damon
Unlike Pattinson, the anger that Damon would inspire is less about the actor himself, and more for what it would signify. After all, why would Damon get any role in this flick, other than to make his bestest buddy Ben Affleck happy? They'll fight crime together and then go out for a beer together; doesn't that sound super?
Of course, amidst all the vitriol and charges of favoritism would be the forgotten fact that, well, we like Matt Damon. He seems like a very decent guy, and he's an awesome actor. Sure he's never played a superhero before, but neither did a lot of people who turned out to be great at it.
He has, however, played a kick-ass action hero before, that being Jason Bourne. If those films' horribly shaky camera didn't make you throw up forever and ever, you'd have realized that he was totally believable in the role, and could easily bring that same energy to a role where he kicks ass in spandex and summons sharks to eat his enemies.
Just don't expect Epic Beard Aquaman if Warner ends up actually listening to us. Damon has admitted that he sucks at growing beards, so it sounds like we'd have to settle for a clean-shaven underwater hero. Try not to weep too much.
6. Bizarro, Played by The Rock
Outside of the wrestling ring, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's fanbase consists mainly of jocks who aspire to be a walking slab of muscle and meat just like him, women who drool over his skyscraper-size smile, and the one or two sad children out there who actually liked The Tooth Fairy. So to give him a coveted role in a nerd flick, even a role like Bizarro, would be utter blasphemy, right?
Wrong. For one thing, that walking slab of meat and muscle is the perfect size to play Bizarro. But more important is that Rock might actually be the biggest, strongest nerd around. Ever seen his Hulk Halloween costume?
Don't dismiss the makeup job because he's rich. Plenty of rich people half-ass their Halloween costumes; the fact that he didn't proves he's a Hulk fan and wanted to do him justice.
If that's not enough, he openly stated he wants to be in the new Star Wars movie. This guy could have almost any movie he wants, so to explicitly request Star Wars means he truly, madly, deeply cares about the franchise. Sounds more and more like one of us, right?
And what of Superman, you ask? Here, eat this clip from Saturday Night Live and tell us how it tastes.
He gets Superman, and how silly the concept ultimately is. Rock could easily fit in at Comic Con (and probably bench-press a dozen cosplayers at once,) and his WWF/WWE and Disney runs show he also gets comedy, and has no issue with acting stupid for a role. Since Bizarro am ultimately a moron, why not smell what Super Rock is cookin'?
5. The Joker, Played by Johnny Depp
Casting anybody as Joker would piss off many a fan. Heath Ledger is still too fresh, a re-imagining would be disrespectful, yada yada yada. They forget that the second Batman shows up and there's no Joker, they would cry bloody murder. That's why they stuck the Joker teaser at the end of Batman Begins: so people would know the clown's coming and that they shouldn't burn down the theater in protest.
You need the Joker, if only for a little while. But Johnny Depp? That would be, to many people, the ultimate cop-out. "Let's hire Hollywood's official quirky weird dude, because clearly it still works kinda. Now let's all snort coke WHEEEEEEEE."
Depp would likely play a more traditional Joker, perhaps in line with his Willy Wonka. He would be less grungy and anarchic than Ledger, but not nearly as corny as Cesar Romero. He'd basically be a young Jack Nicholson, only less likely to fuck off work in favor of an important basketball game.
And honestly, if Joker's only going to score a supporting villain role, this is probably the best possible route. Why waste a brand-new take on the character if he's only going to exist for a few minutes? Depp would be a one-night-stand Joker -- perfectly serviceable for the time being, but nothing you'd want to keep around for the long-term.
Oh, and if he demands they cast Helena Bonham Carter as Batgirl, they need to let it happen. They can easily edit her ass out in post-production.