4. Harley Quinn, Played by Melissa Rauch
Don't recognize the name? She's the squeaky-voiced girl from The Big Bang Theory. Here are a bunch of clips to help you put two and two together. PREPARE YOURSELVES.
By now, it's almost a law that "true" nerds hate Big Bang Theory, so to have one of its stars play a character as beloved as Harley? It would probably be the end of the world. Not just Nerd World, but World World. We would blow it up, because death and darkness is preferable to anybody associated with BAZINGA getting the role of a lifetime.
The only problem with such rage is that she could totally pull it off. What are the three things we think about with Harley? She's cute and bubbly, her voice is high-pitched and squeaky, and she's murderously psychotic in an adorably quirky way.
Rauch's Big Bang voice is basically Harley, so that's one trait down. Is she cute and bubbly? Clearly. And as far as being psycho, anybody who's seen her in True Blood knows she can play a quirky nutto perfectly. Combine those crazy eyes with her Big Bang voice, slip her into a jester outfit, teach her how to fire a gun, and you've got yourself the perfect Harley.
Well, as long as they change the character's real name anyways. Harleen Quinzel? A five-year-old could have drafted something better.
3. Green Lantern, Played by Jon Stewart
This one's semi-cheating, since everybody loves Jon Stewart. But here's the rub - he wouldn't be playing the John Stewart Green Lantern. That would be too easy, not to mention more than a little racist. He can be any other Lantern though, and the in-joke should remain safe.
Smart money says he'd play Hal Jordan, though knowing Jon's sense of humor, he'd probably want to play B'dg instead.
2. Mr. Mxyzptlk, Played by Verne Troyer (Mini-Me)
Whether DC listens to us or not (and why wouldn't they?) this is going to be a weird friggin' flick, and hopefully about as serious as a pillow fight. If so, then Mix Yes Spit Lick should get at least a cameo, long enough for a hero or two to trick him into saying his name backwards and sending him on his way.
Look, it doesn't matter that Mxy is technically strong enough to kill every superhero he meets - he's a goofy character and should be portrayed in a goofy way. Of course, since many of us grew up with Gilbert Gottfried as "our" Mxy, getting anybody else to play him would seem pointless. At least, it would until you realize that every time they cast a live-action Mxy, it comes off as awkward and wrong. Mxy is meant to be an annoying little imp and, since Gottfried is just a tad too tall for imp status, back to narrating Aristocrats auditions he goes!
For the sake of this movie, and because the whole point is to troll easily trollable nerds, why not give the slot to Mini-Me? He's certainly got the size factor down, and can play a decent-enough imp, if his World of Warcraft commercial is any indication.
And to anybody who hates the idea because they got sick of Austin Powers years ago: first, congratulations on reacting to those stupid movies like a normal, rational human being should. Secondly, who else is there? Warwick Davis? Hornswoggle? Tom Cruise? As much as you may hate him and find him overexposed, Verne Troyer is the Mxy we need.
1. Robin, Played by Dakota Fanning (Or Any Woman, Really)
Robin photo by Joe Newman
If this happened, and nerds got pissed off about it, the reasoning would not be, "It should've been Hit-Girl instead!" No, the real reason people would rage about DC casting the Stephanie Brown version of Robin with Dakota Fanning is far more depressing than a thousand "Rock can't be Bizarro!" petitions combined.
Fanning is unquestionably an amazing actress, and she could absolutely pull off Robin. But the sad reality is, should DC cast the character at all, regardless of actress, the immediate and visceral reaction would be every variation of EWW YUCKY GIRL ICKY COOTIES SPEWWWWW that the human tongue could physically utter. Even though Robin is rarely taken seriously regardless of who's behind the mask, putting the costume on Fanning would send douche-chills down the spine of every douche-nerd, both on and offline.
So you know what, DC? Forget Fanning. She's great and all, and yes we're about to break our own "they must be able to act" rule, but pissing off sexist dork-bros deserves a little extra trolling. Cast one of the Olsen Twins for all we care (the other can be Catwoman if she likes.) What's Chyna up to these days (besides porn?) Maybe Kate Upton would like a turn with the cape and tiny mask that doesn't realistically hide anybody's identity.
Or here's an idea - Beyonce. Not only does she ooze charisma and have actual acting experience (in an Austin Powers flick, but we won't hold that against her,) a black female Robin would be like laying out a hundred rat traps laced with poisonous peanut butter and barbed-wire snappers. You'll never suffer a douche-nerd infestation ever again.
Previously By Jason Iannone: