7 Supposedly Classic Studio Ghibli Movies That Set Terrible Examples for Children

By Alex Eckman-Lawn in Anime, Cartoons, Daily Lists, Movies, Nerdery
Thursday, February 6, 2014 at 6:00 am


Hayao Miyazaki's (supposedly) final film, The Wind Rises, should be available for you to see very soon. Such an occasion would typically invite yet another fawning retrospective, or ten, on the man's body of work, and for good reason. There's no arguing that Miyazaki is a master of his craft, a cinematic storyteller among the best that have ever been. And Ghibli, his animation studio, has revolutionized the animation industry and consistently set the bar for the rest of the world.

However... sometimes.... the good men and women at Studio Ghibli can get a bit TOO MUCH praise and adoration.

Hey, don't forget where you are, right now. That's right - the Internet. The playground of the devil's advocate. So roll your sleeves up for the inconceivable - a list that pays tribute to Miyazaki by enumerating some supposedly classic Ghibli films that are actually really over-rated misfires with AWFUL morals.

1. Ponyo


This was a marked departure for Miyazaki, both tonally and visually. Ponyo ratchets the child-friendly, storybook look up to such a degree, it becomes positively saccharine. And it's also the most formless of Miyazaki's films, with a plot that gets distracted often enough to seem like it's got a very child-like attention disorder.

Ponyo also suggests that kids make lifelong vows of love and commitment around the age of six. If that weren't sick and twisted enough, this little boy is signing away his entire romantic career to a girl who's more fish than woman! What kind of horrible lesson is this for your kids?

Don't get married before the age of 18, kids. And seriously, don't get married before the age of eight. If you absolutely MUST, though, I recommend trying to keep it within your own species.

2. Tales From Earthsea


The directorial debut of Miyazaki's son, Goro, is such a mess it almost permanently estranged the elder animator from his heir. This misstep brought Goro's ability to carry the torch so thoroughly into question that Ghibli actually had to address the issue in the press releases for his sophomore effort, From Up On Poppy Hill. One film, casting that much anxious doubt about the seeming no-brainer of this guy taking his old man's mantle once the mighty Hayao finally steps down. Even Ursula Le Guin, the author of the books upon which this film is based, has expressed her disappointment with it.

Sheesh. Could you let any more people down?

What's really upsetting, though, is the inherent arrogance of presuming it's possible to adapt four full-length fantasy novels into one movie! GORO, ARE YOU MAD!? Haven't Harry Potter and the Hobbit shown that it takes at least two movies to properly adapt one young adult novel? Earthsea's underlying message is of unbridled ambition: thank goodness it was a failure or kids might get the wrong idea about the value of spuriously planning a franchise.

3. Pom Poko


This heartwarming romp about the secret lives of Tanuki, Japan's cuddly "raccoon dogs," is an epic piece of filmmaking, to be sure. Pom Poko follows the struggle of the Tanuki: trying to stay alive and healthy in an ever-industrializing Japan where urban sprawl constantly threatens their homes. Director Isao Takahata employs several different styles to convey these challenges, crafting a film that's skillful, nuanced, complex and experimental. It manages to stay mostly upbeat and fun despite the heavy, and sometimes quite sad, subject matter.

But... what I simply cannot abide... is the flagrant and unapologetic use of balls.

Holy shit - every other scene we're shown features an animal's sack and gonads. On occasion, these bits are stretched to human size to battle police officers! In one chilling scene, an elder Tanuki "stretches his sack to the limit," transforming it into an enormous ship which many of the Tanuki ride down the river...to their death. What a horrific, surreal vision. Not since Un Chien Andalou have unsuspecting audiences been exposed to such horrific images of body horror.

4. The Secret World of Arrietty


Arietty has been lauded by critics and fans alike. Some have even gone so far as to proclaim the director, Hiromasa Yonebayashi, as Miyazaki's worthy successor! (You hear that, Goro?) The film is beautifully animated in the Ghibli style, with confident animation that quite viscerally conveys the profound difference in size between borrowers and humans.

There also happens to be just as large of a disconnect between the characters and the central conflict. For one, the film is narrated by an older version of the sick boy, effectively erasing any tension about whether he'll survive the summer (something we are frequently told should be a great concern). The film also switches perspectives so often that it's hard to get a grasp on who the main character is. Are we meant to identify with Arriety, the movie's namesake? Or Sho, the sick boy who narrates the film?

While very touching in places, and certainly beautiful to look at, Arietty does suffer a bit from an occasionally dull presentation (lots of characters talking quietly and moping along), and some extremely unlikable characters. What's really upsetting, though, is the love interest Arietty is presented with. Arietty and Sho can never be together, so she's forced to settle for a seemingly autistic barbarian named "Spiller" who speaks in grunts and can barely dress himself. She doesn't care for this boy, she simply has no other option - quite literally!

Never settle, kids! You can do better than Spiller!

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