For aficionados of both football and new commercials, this year's super Sunday had to be a bit of a disappointment. I don't know a hell of a lot about sports, but I do know that all the jokes people made in the lead-up about it being between two teams from legalized weed states came astonishingly true, with many of the players conducting the game as if they were stoned.
I'm not sure what excuse the ad men have, though, because there were some shockingly strange decisions made in creating the commercials. Let us now run them down.
1. Movie Commercials for Movie Commercials
Okay, bad enough that we got online teasers for the trailers we were going to be shown for Captain America: The Winter Soldier and The Amazing Spider-Man 2, but then those trailers turn out to just be teasers in and of themselves, sending us online to view the whole thing.
The Devil Inside got a whole lot of viewers angry when the movie ended with a plug for a website, and it would seem we've learned nothing from that. Fans love to discover secrets and hidden easter eggs, but this is just jerking around.
2. That Commercial for Scientology
On the day Philip Seymour Hoffman is found dead, no less. What rat-brained man-animal gave that the go-ahead?
3. Noah Idea
Overheard at my party: "Is that the Bible Noah?"
Once clarified in the affirmative: "Oh. It just looks like an action movie."
4. Hey, You Know Who'd Be a Great Pitchman? Mahmoud Ahmadinejad!
You're selling a deodorant, and your big idea is to make light of the two major world leaders we're most afraid of having to go to war with over their nuclear weapons?
Double fail for not knowing that Ahmadinejad isn't even president of Iran any more, or that the president of Iran doesn't have authority over "the button" anyway.
5. Chevy Encourages Thoughts of Beastiality
"A man, his truck, and a very eligible bachelor." Look, when you say it that way, people aren't necessarily going to think that the man's taking a bull to mate with cows. Pretty much everyone at my party just wondered why the hell there was a commercial about a guy wanting to fuck a bull.
6. Ping-Pong Playing Arnold Schwarzenegger Dressed as Bjorn Borg Talking Like Tommy Wiseau
Seriously, go to 0:36 in the commercial above and tell me he isn't doing a line from The Room.
7. Butterfinger Suggests a Threesome
It's not even a fair threesome, because the new guy in it only wants to pleasure the woman. Seriously. This is the product Bart Simpson used to pitch.