6. Night of the Bloody Apes (NSFW)
Speaking of shitty costumes, there's Night of the Bloody Apes, which has makeup and wardrobe so fucking bad that the Oscars eliminated those categories for ten years as a period of mourning. It stars an ape-beast that's just a dude with a really horrible mask. Like, it's not even a good bad. It's a "you didn't even try" bad. And he makes cat noises.
Then it has a female luchador wrestling some people for no reason. Apparently, she figured heavily into the plot of the original, non-American version of the film. Also, the whole thing is interspersed with footage of a real open-heart surgery, because apparently they wanted something that wasn't bullshit in this trailer, but went way too far in the opposite direction.
Plus, the narrator says "orgy" a really uncomfortable number of times. (Three times. Three times is what it takes.) I kinda wanted him to tremulously mutter it in hushed tones one more time at the end. "...Orgy."
This is a movie about a doll who comes to life. You've seen that before. What you haven't seen is a magic dummy movie where Anthony Hopkins plays the performer and voices the dummy. In an American accent, no less. And the dummy looks like Anthony Hopkins.
This trailer gives douche chills so hard, it can burn off a cheeseburger's worth of calories. It's a shame, too, because it's apparently not a bad movie.
8. Four Flies on Grey Velvet
Speaking of movie trailers with weird dolls, this one is a fairly normal looking Italian horror film, except it also includes a doll who looks uncannily like Woody from Toy Story with glowing red eyes. You'd never, ever guess how horrifying that is until you actually see it.
Even if puppets/dolls/etc. don't freak you out, it's eerie seeing a trailer from forty years ago that has a character who looks almost exactly like one from a major part of many young people's childhoods.
The trailer also tells you exactly nothing about why the doll is in the movie.
9. Snuff (NSFW)
In this instance, the trailer isn't quite as insane as the story behind it. Like, the trailer itself is weird. The narrator keeps insisting that life is cheap in South America and so that's why they filmed it there, and I guess we're just supposed to accept that as a fact. There are a few brief flashes of people in blackface, which is always weird. Some ladies shoot a little girl who just kinda half-assedly falls over. That kind of stuff.
What the trailer doesn't get across to a modern audience is that Snuff was already kind of famous (it's hinted at in the opening crawl) because the filmmakers added a scene to the end of the American version that showed a woman apparently being killed for real. It was fake, of course, but it stirred up a load of controversy. The production company hired fake protesters and wrote fake press releases complaining about it before it even came out. So, of course, what the trailer was implying is that the movie was full of people who died for real. (No one died except for the concept of truth in advertising.)
Previously by Asher Cantrell: