It is a tumultuous time for Star Wars fans. Disney agents, striking from their hidden base, have finally released a cast list for the next entry in the Star Wars Saga.
During the press release, millions of fanboys flocked onto the Interwebz, to sites like IMDB and Wikipedia, to download the secret dossiers of the relatively unknown cast.
Disney, looking to distance themselves from GEORGE LUCAS, releases their ultimate weapon, J.J. ABRAMS, a writer capable of annihilating over 20 years of Expanded Universe content with a single stroke of a key.
TOPLESS ROBOT, never too good for a joke at someone else's expense, immediately set to work, trying to determine which roles these custodians of fandom would inhabit. Can this new generation of actors remove the stain left by Jar-Jar Binks and the rest of the prequel trilogy...
Or are they just jerking off?
1. Carrie Fisher as Leia Organa
Much has changed for the princess, who has not received her story book ending. She's lost much; her husband is estranged, her former lover dead, and she can't give up on the forbidden love that fills her heart. She's a prominent member of the New Republic government, though her secrets are beginning to catch up to her; secrets that will have consequences throughout the galaxy.
2. Harrison Ford as Han Solo
Solo has suffered much in his life between the infidelity of his wife and the end of the most hearwarming interspecies bromance of all time. As his marriage and friendship dissolved, he once again took to the stars with his new engineer Keenser, before a strange gravitational anomaly forced the Falcon to crash on a small island on a strange, uncharted world.
He learns he is stranded on an ancient world called Dharma, a world that holds the balance of the universe in its grasp. He learns the truth of the new evil threatening the galaxy, but before he can leave Dharma, he must stop the mysterious forces the planet holds, contained only by a set of strange numbers.
3. Oscar Isaac as Young Han Solo
While stranded on planet Dharma, Han Solo has nothing but time to think. Utilizing the power of the Abrams Flashback, Solo remember simpler times as a cadet in the Imperial Academy. The mystical properties of the planet allow him to travel in time and meet his younger self (played by Issac). The two Solos devise a plan in which they can rewrite all of history by killing a single boy: Anakin Skywalker.
4. Andy Serkis as Greedo Jr.
Greedo Jr. grew up with the dark stain of treachery on his family name. Word traveled fast in the wretched hive of scum and villainy that is Mos Eisley that the elder Greedo broke a cardinal rule of bounty hunting by attempting to shoot Han Solo at a cantina table. Greedo Jr, determined to clean his family name and take revenge on Solo, has spent the better part of thirty years pursuing the truth, and the head of Solo. Unbeknownst to the estranged Solo, Greedo Jr. is responsible for the maiming of Chewbacca.
As the galactic threat emerges, Greedo Jr. has finally picked up on Solo's trail, and the wayward smuggler will not only have to contend with the reborn Sith, but also a bounty hunter not interested in freezing him in carbonite.
5. Kenny Baker as Keenser nar Overcross
When the Solo family split up, Chewbacca's dedication to the children led him to part ways with Life-Debt partner Han to act as bodyguard to Leia and her younglings. Han, shattered by the revelations of his wife's infidelity, decided to return to his smuggling ways, along the way picking up a new side kick. Keenser nar Overcross is the new engineer of the Millennium Falcon, a stark contrast from the eight foot tall Wookie who used to keep the ship going; that is until it vanished.
In a startling casting move, Kenny Baker will not be reprising his role as R2-D2 who will
be replaced once and for all with CGI. Instead, Baker will don the little green alien costume previous filled by Deep Roy in the last two Star Trek films. While this change in roles seems drastic, this officially locks open the door between the Trek and Wars universes, first hinted at when R2-D2 appeared as a piece of Enterprise debris.
6. Peter Mayhew as Mecha-Chewbacca
Disney, inspired by the popularity of the Patton Oswald Star Wars Filibuster, traded the rights to the comedian's Spider Chewbacca for a two episode guest stint on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Like in Oswald's story, Chewbacca, maimed by Greedo Jr., is alive only thanks to technology, his head mounted on robotic chassis.
He is eternally devoted to the Solo children, which is ironic considering that none of the children with the Solo surname are actually spawned from the smuggler, and has sworn revenge against Darth Angst whom he believes killed Jacob. That devotion will be tested to the limit when he finally encounters the Sith.