12 Role Predictions for Star Wars Episode VII

By Jason Helton in Daily Lists, Movies
Wednesday, April 30, 2014 at 6:00 am

7. Adam Driver as Darth Angst/Jacob Solo/Jacob Skywalker

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The product of a forbidden, Targaryen-style romance between the two most powerful Jedi in the universe, Jacob Solo was brought up believing that his father was instead Han Solo. A powerful Jedi, he was the most gifted student Master Skywalker ever trained, never knowing his true origins. A mission to hunt down the evil Sith Lord Darth Ming along with his mother led to the truth being revealed to him and his defection to the Dark Side, adopting the name Darth Angst.

He attempted to kill his mother out of rage, eventually getting defeated and maimed by his mother. Leia returned to the Jedi temple alone, keeping the truth hidden from both Jacob's biological and adoptive fathers, instead telling the story of their son's death at the hands of Darth Angst. The new Sith apprentice, gravely injured by his mother, is encased in his grandfather's armor which was apparently fireproof.

The following is a leaked scene from the Episode VII script:

MASTER SKYWALKER HAS FINALLY FOUND DARTH ANGST. A SHUDDER MOVES THROUGH HIM AS HE RECOGNIZES HIS FATHER'S ARMOR ON THE SITH LORD. THEY FIGHT, CULMINATING IN LUKE LOSING HIS LEFT HAND THIS TIME.

ANGST: Leia never told you what happened to your son.

LUKE: She told me enough! She told me you killed him!

ANGST: No...I...am your son!

LUKE: No....that's not true...that's IMPOSSIBLE...and vaguely familiar.

8. Domhnall Gleeson as Edward Solo/Calrissian

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The black sheep of the Solo family, Edward Solo is at a crossroads. While his mother and uncle encourage him to join the Jedi Order, his "uncle" Lando left him his Slusho franchise of liquid-meal fast food restaurants, and the lure of fast food and faster women is more tempting to the youth than the Dark Side.

While he is strong in the Force, he is equally stronger in business thanks to his ability to influence weak minds combined with the business sense of his true father. Leia, devastated by the loss of her son, fell into the arms of the galaxy's most successful entrepreneur and family friend: Lando Calrissian.

Edward accepts his destiny just as conflict erupts across the galaxy, but rather than taking up the lightsaber, he uses his legal and clandestine business sources to provide the necessary infrastructure to the Republic, an action which attracts the attention of the Sith, and his half-brother Darth Angst.

9. Max Von Sydow as Darth Ming

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Cast aside by Darth Sidious, Ming traveled the universe, seeking out the lost mysteries of the Sith. While Palpatine was corrupting governments and waging wars, Ming learned incredible lost powers, including the blinding ability of the Lens Flare. Ming rallies the forces of evil across the universe in an effort to once again wipe out the Jedi and corrupt the remaining into accepting the ways of the Sith, but even he knows the only way to destroy the Jedi is to destroy Skywalker, and he knows the only one capable to do so is Skywalker's own son.

10. Anthony Daniels as C-3P0 (Along With Mitchell Hope, Cameron Boyce, Cole Sprouse and CeeLo Green)

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Irma Micanovic

C-3P0 will once again provide the voice of reason and translation to the heroes of the New Republic. With his voice damaged in an accident, Disney casting agents (in an effort to cross promote) will have several of their young male stars as well as recording star CeeLo Green vocalize the protocol droid. Additionally, 3P0 will gain a new ability, providing several musical and dance numbers to lighten the tone of the film in darker times and ensure large numbers of album sales to tweens.

11. Mark Hamill as Jedi Master Luke Skywalker

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Bryan

The hero of the first Star Wars trilogy is troubled. The stress of rebuilding the Jedi order is daunting, and the Sith threat is always in his thoughts, especially after the death of his son. As war engulfs the galaxy, Skywalker will have to face down the only enemies more terrifying than his father: his son, and the millions of fans who thought his portrayal of the Joker was inferior to Heath Ledger's. I mean, come on...Heath Ledger played the Joker once. Mark Hamill was the Joker for twenty bloody years through multiple series, video games, movies, toys, the works.

11. John Boyega as Field and Daisy Ridley as Clover

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This two-being team is the most powerful weapon in the Jedi arsenal. Clover, a two-hundred twenty foot lizard creature, has the intelligence of a womp rat, while Field is super intelligent yet extremely weak. When called upon to do battle, Clover inserts Field into his ear giving her direct access to Field's intelligence while granting him her strength. The combined force, Cloverfield, can rain destruction on Sith forces. They carry a lightsaber the size of a submarine, and will be seen in combat cleaving an Imperial Star Destroyer in half with a single swing.

The downside to this monstrous team is fatigue. Field and Clover can only be combined for a total of forty-seven minutes before the exertion kills them both. They are a weapon of Jedi last resort sure to sell a multitude of action figures.

Previously by Jason Helton

Seven Superheroes We Can Be Grateful Ben Affleck Won't Be Playing (Now That He's Batman)

The 5 Best Things About Clone Wars Season 6 (and 4 Lingering Questions)

Science Fiction's Top 10 Alcoholic Beverages

11 Things We Can Expect in the Future According to Buck Rogers in the 25th Century

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