10 Reasons David Goyer Must Be Stopped

By David N. Scott in Comics, Daily Lists, Nerdery
Thursday, May 22, 2014 at 6:00 am


6. He Wants To "Fuck" His Cousin


Then again, so did Elvis.

Does that sound over the top? Goyer believes "She-Hulk was the extension of the male power fantasy" and "She-Hulk is the chick that you could fuck if you were Hulk, you know what I'm saying?" Basically that she is some sort of perfect match for him and thus lonely male comic book fans imagine themselves being the Hulk, the only man who can satisfy the She-Hulk. Well, I bet a lot of lonely comic fans (yourself included) have had some improper thoughts about the She-Hulk, as many of us were reading comics during a very confusing time as far as hormones go. However, to imagine being Hulk being with She-Hulk has its own issues, namely that they are cousins.

Yes, to Goyer the ultimate fantasy woman is a tall and more muscular version of your cousin. I don't know Goyer's cousins, but this seems a little odd. My only conclusion is that either Goyer doesn't know that or he just doesn't care, apparently due to fear that knowing about comic book characters makes you a virgin. You decide: a mess of psycho-sexual issues or proud ignorance? Neither one is all that great, though if you and your cousin really have a thing going you can get married in the UK. I don't judge.

7. He Thinks She-Hulk Is a Porn Star


Angie Harmon knows more about She Hulk than Goyer.

I disagree greatly with this assessment. She-Hulk is an attorney and absolutely a bad-ass in her own right. She has escaped the origin of "girl sidekick" much better than Supergirl has and manages to strike approximately 90% less sexy poses than the women of the X-Men do in any given issue. I think it's really lousy to call the character out like that because she actually is quite smart and has been a strong solo character with a lack of cameos from her male counterpart.

She-Hulk has many cool aspects to her character. She gets stronger as her human version gets stronger, so she can work out for a summer and then be twice as strong. She also has been known for breaking the fourth wall and addressing the reader, though Deadpool has largely stolen this particular shtick. Reducing her to an accessory for the Hulk just because they have similar powers and skin color is not right, especially since the shared power is the power that 85% of all super heroes have, e.g. being strong and tough. This is not enough correlation to completely write off the character!

SheHulkLawyered.jpg
Marvel Comics
Lawyered.

8. He's Teaming up With Zack Snyder

Anyone who's seen Sucker Punch knows that the true secret to geeky feminism is making fun of male geeks for looking at attractive women in short skirts while sucker punching them with a movie where the women are all imprisoned and can only mentally escape life in an asylum by pretending to be sex slaves instead because that's a great idea, I guess. Feminism!

Also the only escape is to die saving another person, except it turns out they were really the protagonist the whole time. It was really their story. But then the new protagonist will at least escape, to be picked up by a magic bus. In the end she will only thank herself because our own minds are the sources of angels and demons, even though the first protagonist gave up her life to save the new one. Also the movie said she had checked into the asylum voluntarily but by now even the movie has forgotten they're at an asylum now and not a brothel. Feminism!

What's that, you say? This article isn't about Zack Snyder? Well, fair enough, but they're collaborating. I was counting on David Goyer to be the sane one of the two. So much for that.

9. This Is Wonder Woman's First Movie

As we all know, Wonder Woman was created by a sexual fetishist/inventor and used to spent a lot of the golden age in bondage (this is not a joke). Over the years, she's gotten away from that almost entirely. She's become a powerful and engaging character in her own right, much like She-Hulk. Still the connection is there, and it's a lot stronger than Hulk's alleged sexual longing for his cousin. She's also been known to run around in a bathing suit, basically 24/7. It's just a lot of fuel for weirdness on the writing side.

Maybe worse, you have all of Wonder Woman's weird background stuff: Nazi fighter, Amazon, invisible plane, magic bracelets and lasso. The best versions of Wonder Woman try to incorporate all of this into an interesting whole. I am now a little worried that these parts will instead be excised to make room for a hashed-over clone story, a la Martian Manhunter. After all, if being a Martian sounds "goofy" and it's enough to delete the character's origin, what will remain of Diana Prince, post-remake? If she's related to Superman or a clone of any kind, I want a refund.


10. Bonus Complaint!

That title, though. Who names a movie Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice? It sounds like the fifth volume in a Time Life Books Series. Do they still make those? Why can't they just call it Dawn of Justice? That would still be a little groan-worthy but passable; do they really need to name the protagonists? I seem to recall us all puzzling through The Dark Knight just fine without it being Batman: The Dark Knight. I also haven't seen many James Bond movies called things like James Bond: The Spy Who Loved Me. That series can call a movie Quantum of Solace and people still know what it is.

Can we just call this a Justice League prequel? Then we could at least pretend we would get to see a Superman movie about him and Lois and the Daily Planet and Lex Luthor. I know Luthor and Lois are signed up for the new movie, but with so many cast members it seems like they will get lost in the shuffle. We don't know anything at all about the new Batman, but we're jumping to him already being old and a veteran superhero the first time we ever see him, which means we have to watch Daredevil again and pretend like his costume is black. It's a little jarring, plus the parts about Batman being old before a magic leg brace cured him and made him able to beat up muggers again were already boring and out of place in The Dark Knight Rises. This sounds like more of the same.

Then again, maybe Daredevil got old and got a magic leg brace and now he's old (but in no way impaired by it) Batman. I can dream, right?

Previously by David N. Scott

10 Reasons You Should Be Watching NBC's Hannibal (Really!)

Eight Reasons You Should Care About the World of Darkness Reboots

Ten Things We Learned Attending L.A. By Night: The Grey Ghost Masquerade

10 Things Learned Shopping for a PS4 on Black Friday (At Midnight)

10 Things I Learned Running Game Demos at WonderCon

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