The 10 Biggest Revelations in America's Zombie Defense Plan (and Their Real-World Implications)

Tuesday, May 20, 2014 at 6:00 am


Late last week, the Pentagon released to the public, CONPLAN 8888-11: Counter-Zombie Dominance Operations, Basic Plan. It highlights US military response to a hypothetical zombie uprising on American soil or abroad. According to US Strategic Command Media Relations Officer Lieutenant Colonel Stephanie Bounds, the document was the result of a training exercise meant for officers to build an operations plan for an absurd situation. The use of zombies as an antagonist allowed for out-of-the-box and creative thinking, rather than strict, by-the-book planning. She was very quick to stress that the document is not an official plan for use in any anti-undead action, but was rather just the result of some creative, unknown officers brainstorming a unique response to an apocalyptic scenario.

Regardless of its origin, CONPLAN 8888 provides a stunning look into the minds that protect this country from all enemies foreign and domestic. As fantastic as it may be, its measures for zombie defense could easily be applied to other, more realistic threats like viral pandemics or even cyber warfare. It also give a frightening look into what potential responses could be used during times of crisis that lead to times of desperation. Here are ten surprising things you may not know about what could be our nation's zombie response. Set us at ZOMBIECON 1.

1. Zombies Seem to Present the Biggest Hypothetical Threat to the Country

There are myriad outlandish antagonists that could potentially threaten the sovereignty of the United States; Space aliens, Godzilla, rogue comets and North Korea just to name a few. Apparently US Strategic Command doesn't feel these are anywhere near the caliber of threat that zombies pose. According to LTC Bounds, Strategic Command doesn't have any plans in place, hypothetical or otherwise, to deal with Kaiju or little green men. Comets and aliens will have to depend on the combined efforts of Ben Affleck and Will Smith. North Korea will of course implode when it makes the mistake of recruiting Alec Baldwin.

2. Max...Brooks....Savior of the Universe

CONPLAN 8888 states that "the more robust a science fiction scenario related to zombies is, the more useful it is for planning purposes - regardless of how outlandish it might be." Perhaps that's why the reference list includes not only secret documents, but also the trio of Max Brooks zombie-related books. Since there have been no reported cases of zombieism (aside from Chicken Zombies), fiction will be the only resource material in abundance. That being said, the military would be well served by adding The Walking Dead to its library, strictly so they can do the exact opposite of what Rick does. Then again, I doubt any soldier would be hobbling around yelling "CARL!!" for hours at a time.

3. The Five D's of Dodgeball Defense

It seems that the defense plan for a zombie outbreak is strikingly similar to the approach that would be used by military Cyber Command to counteract an attack via the Interwebz. The basic principle of zombie and hacker defense are the five D's: Denial, Deception, Disruption, Degradation and Destruction, and unlike the five D's of dodgeball, they didn't have to repeat one.

In reality, they are very similar. Computer viruses, particularly sophisticated ones propagate just like virus-ridden zombies. They both travel fast, prey on the unprepared, and can spiral out of control...kind of like herpes.

4. The Power of Christ (and Buddha, Zeus, Allah and Every Other Recognized Deity) Compels Them!

Of the eight classification of zombies mentioned in CONPLAN 8888, the one most likely to be immune to the firepower of our combined armed forces are what are referred to as "Evil Magic Zombies", or EMZs. These paranormal created undead could very well be immune to conventional weaponry. Thankfully, the US government has the support of not one but many gods in its fight against the spawn of evil.

According to CONPLAN 8888, in the case of an invasion by EMZs, the Chaplain Corps might be called into battle, as likely they will be the only defense against the unholy. This could potentially create a bit of a moral and ethical dilemma, as the Geneva Convention lists chaplains as non-combatants. Thankfully, in 'Murica, zombies aren't covered by Geneva, making the chaplain corps legally allowed and duty bound to start lobbing Holy Hand Grenades towards the walking undead.

5. Run to the Hills (but Not Your Local Military Base)

Zombie movies galore have shown us what happens when you try to make your way to a military installation during an outbreak of brain eaters. Most of the time bands of survivors are decimated by the time they arrive, only to find that the military suffered the same fate. On the off chance they make it to an operational fort, they will likely be conscripted into service; that is, the men serving the military and the women servicing the men a la 28 Days Later.

If any advice can be taken away from CONPLAN 8888 for civilians, it's to avoid military bases. Of all of the current American military outposts, only Offutt Air Force Base in Nebraska is a facility hardened enough to protect and support "personnel responsible for commanding and controlling a coordinated combat action against zombie forces." While other hardened bases exist, the document states that while they could likely survive for a short period of time, they would likely fall before the undead menace could be defeated. I guess I'm back to my plan of hiding out in a Dick's Sporting Goods.

6. Would We Possibly Defend the Zombies?

One of the constraints established in CONPLAN 8888 is that United States Strategic Command forces must "Remain postured to deter adversaries from attacking the U.S. or its allies with WMD." This policy could undermine any global efforts to halt the zombie advance.

For example, say a scenario similar to 28 Days Later takes place, with the United Kingdom infected with rage zombies. Russia, in an effort to sterilize the country, plans to nuke the site from orbit as it's the only way to be sure. According to this constraint, we would be obligated to deter Russia from attacking. Sure, it would begin with words and sanctions, but at what point would military force be an option, and at what point would Russia's plan be acceptable? The plan doesn't specifically document what limits are in place for the US when it comes to preventing a foreign power from taking the matter in their own hands, nor does it identify a point of no return where an attack on an ally would be acceptable. Likely such thoughts, as terrifying as they are, would be a much more closely guarded secret, as the political implications could be grave.

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