Just kidding. Wil's cool.
As a parent, it's almost second nature to feel that your shortcomings are reflected in your children. A phone call from the principal's office regarding my eight year-old fills me with more anxiety than the handful of trips I made myself to the Judge Dredd of the elementary school. No one wants their children to be a failure, but worse yet, the biggest nightmare a parent can have is the idea that their child could be evil (unless you are Dr. Evil, in which you would actually encourage said evil behavior).
There have certainly been some memorable mothers in science fiction and fantasy, and it's this time of year in which all mothers are heralded for their sacrifices in the name of raising their offspring. But this is Topless Robot, and as much as we love our moms, it's time we take a few of them to task for the sins of their spawn. In celebration of Mother's Day, we present to you nine fictional mothers who should have taken inspiration from the angelfish, and consumed their kids.
9. Mrs. Pamela Voorhees - Friday The 13th Series
One of the few mothers on this list who would be encouraging of her child's behavior would be Mrs. Voorhees, the mother of the immortal, serial-killing hockey fan with whom I share a first name. Jason's one man crusade on pre-martial camp sex, if left unchecked, could have destabilized the population of Sussex County, New Jersey.
Sure, he couldn't move fast, but he could smell unsuspecting, horny camp counselors from miles away, and had a hell of an axe hand. That, coupled with that whole immortality thing, made him a monster most fictional mothers wouldn't want their fictional children to encounter. I just need to have him on standby for when my daughter starts dating.
I can understand why Pamela would encourage her baby boy's behavior, I can't, however, imagine how horrible Voorhees tastes, though with the amount of beatings he's taken, he's sure to be tender.
8. Susan Harris - Demon Seed
When Alex Harris decided to create an artificial intelligence, he has no idea it will start eyeing up his human wife. The supercomputer, Proteus, gets Alex out of the house and proclaims that he wants to make sweet robot love to Susan in the hopes of having a Cylon boy of his very own.
In a trippy sequence that looks borrowed from 2001, Proteus knocks up his human counterpart - of course, his super-efficient robot sperm allows her to carry the baby to full term in a matter of a month. When Alex figures out what is going on and tries to rescue his wife, Proteus realizes the jig is up and self-destructs just as the baby is born. Upon opening, it reveals a horrific metallic creature, apparently only a shell for what looks like a human child. That is, until she speaks with the voice of Robert Vaughn.
It's implied that robo-Robert Vaughn Baby will likely take over the world. If only they hadn't left her in the incubator for five days. Would AI-created babies be made of artificial meat?
7. The Bitch/The Alien Queen - Aliens
The other mother on this list that would be proud of her devilish children would be the massive, multi-jawed and very likely gooey Queen from James Cameron's Aliens. The Bitch, as she is so affectionately called by her nemesis, cares only about propagation, a task her children are well suited to help her complete.
It doesn't take long for a handful of her spawn to either carve up or capture a squad of Colonial Marines, the so-called toughest hombres in the universe. In amazing defiance of the laws of physics, she manages to stow away on the dropship that is carrying away her foil, squeezes out a few eggs somehow for future face-raping, then confronts her nemesis Ripley after making Bishop half the robot he used to be. Her kids, though, are a collective menace that could ravage the galaxy if unchecked. A son ripped apart a prison, a daughter burst out of the chest of Ripley, and a clone of said daughter created a whole new brood of bad-asses.
While the rest of the mothers on this list wouldn't ever consider dining on their offspring, the Alien Queen is likely the only one on the list who would partake in a meal of Xenomorph; that is, as long as she could keep her ass out of an airlock long enough to. Is cooking with alien acid blood considered molecular gastronomy?
6. Katherine Thorn - The Omen
Out of all of the mothers on this list, poor Katherine is likely the most tragic. Granted, she technically isn't the mother of the Antichrist from a biological standpoint, but if love is the deciding factor in parenthood, then Mrs. Thorn certainly has earned the title. She's also the most tragic of mothers on this list, receiving Damian unknowingly after her son is stillborn. Saying his birth mother was a dog wouldn't be much of a stretch.
For all intents, Damian seems like a normal child. His reaction to going to church for the first time is likely the same reaction I had or Sunday mornings, and haven't all of us had nannies who hung themselves at our birthday parties?
Sadly, Katherine didn't live to see the little demon spawn reach his full, evil potential. His first act of malevolence was to ram his pregnant mother with a tricycle (see why we don't ride bikes in the house), causing her to miscarry yet again. His nanny Mrs. Baylock finished the job by chucking poor Katherine out of the window of her hospital room. It took two sequels before his reign of terror came to an end, a reign perpetuated by the almost unconditional love of all of his caregivers, especially his mother. She should have followed the example of the rabbit instead of ending up like Charlotte.
5. Theresa Wiggin - Ender's Game
Let's face it: most parents in their right mind wouldn't particularly want their children going to a high-tech military school hell-bent on training their youngsters to be great military commanders. When her first son Peter is kicked out for being too psychotic, the pride of the family falls on the sweet and innocent daughter Valentine. When she is too much of a pacifist, the Wiggin family extends their ranks once more for a final shot at getting a child into Battle School, hence the titular Ender.
For all of his good intentions, Ender is essentially bat-shit crazy. Fed up by bullies, he essentially goes Incredible Hulk on their asses, not stopping until he is assured that they will never bother him again. Little does he know that most of his former bullies occupied body bags after their encounters.
Manipulated into causing a genocide, Ender is at least repentant for his actions. While he's out annihilating the buggers, his sister and psychopath brother are doing their best Pinky and the Brain impression, successfully taking over the world. Granted, it was more his brother's influence on Ender that turned him into a killer rather than his mother's, but it's likely the universe would have been a much safer place without the Wiggin family.