9 Fictional Mothers We Wish Had Eaten Their Young

By Jason Helton in Daily Lists
Friday, May 9, 2014 at 6:00 am

4. Bella Swan/Cullen - Twilight Series

I know what you're thinking...another Twilight joke. And you'd be right, because Twilight jokes never get old, and apparently neither will Renesmee, the demon spawn created when a Vulcan and a Sparkly Vorvon get their freak on.

First off, the kid is already in for a tough one thanks to her name, which can only be spoken properly by Kristen Stewart or by beings with three tongues. When an accident starts labor prematurely, this demon seed decides to take a queue from Giger's Alien and proceeds to try to break out of Bella's womb like she's a famished John Hurt, leaving Bella dying from getting her ass kicked on the inside.

Aside from a weird name and trying to make Bella's pelvis explode Scanners-style (which might be looked upon as a good thing), what did she do to get on this list? She didn't kill anyone, doesn't have apocalyptic powers, and aside from being strange as shit, really hasn't harmed anyone.

Well, first she went all succubus on that werewolf dude who hates shirts, and somehow becomes his soul-mate despite the creepy 20+ year age difference. Next, she forever tarnished the good name of her race. See, Renesmee is a half-vampire, half-human hybrid, meaning she has all of the best traits of both races and gets terrific gas mileage. This cross breed being is also typically called a Dhampir. Some famous Dhampirs include Blade, Alucard, and D, all bad asses, all now forever associated with a creepy-ass, sparkly half-breed with the personally of plywood and a future hankering for bestiality. Somewhere, D or his funky face hand is weeping, wishing something could suck the blood out of that kid and the Twilight franchise. Unbeknownst to him, it's the Twilight series that does all the sucking in these parts.

3. Ellen Tigh - Battlestar Galactica

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When we're first introduced to the woman Cylon, she's not quite what we would expect for both the wife of Galactica's tough as nails, hard drinking XO and the mother of the Cylon race. She's boozy, flirty and conniving. She's not naturally bad, she's just programmed that way, thanks to her ill-tempered son John, aka One.

As the series progresses, we find that for the most part, the Cylons aren't as evil as they seem. Sure, they killed over twenty-eight billion people in the first episode, but by the time they get to the third season they seem to be at least slightly sorry for the whole thing, except of course John. In fact, John Cavil is likely the most depraved character of the series. He kills his brother Seven (permanently corrupting his code), nukes the colonies, orders Boomer to pop a cap in the Commander, pulls the strings of millions of skin jobs, fraks his mother multiple times, and wants to dissect a little girl, all before shoving a gun in his mouth when a short-lived treaty goes south.

All of the love (parental, that is) and compassion provided by Ellen seems moot, for nothing in the universe could cure this Oedipal robot of his acute case of douchebaggery. That being said, with near-limitless numbers of Cavil copies, the entire Cylon race could live almost indefinitely, so long as they resorted to cannibalism.

2. Shmi Skywalker - Star Wars Series

Sure, there are some of us who thought Luke Skywalker was a tad whiny, but he barely holds a candle to his father Anakin. Immaculately conceived by Shmi Skywalker, who little-knew that her small miracle would end up being the greatest terror the universe ever knew, and the whiniest Jedi ever to take up the lightsaber.

For a boy who just wanted to help people, he sure did a lot of killing. Sand People, Jedi, Younglings, and countless others fell to little Annie's energy blade, but for some reason Jar-Jar Binks was never eviscerated by him, an act which would have likely redeemed him in the eyes of fans. It's safe to say that Skywalker deserved to be Sarlacc food much more than Boba Fett, just based on his sand speech alone. You'd need to add a little cheese to that whine, though, to make him a complete course.

1. Cersei Lannister - Game of Thrones

Really, who else could we even begin to consider putting at the top of this list? At first glance, Cersei fills the role of a powerful and beautiful regent with absolute ease. She seems to be the pinnacle of maternal instinct, and raises daughter Myrcella and youngest son Tommen to be fine, upstanding young blue bloods. It's not long, though, before we see something is quite wrong with little Joffrey.

He shows his true colors only a few days ride down the King's Road, where his chickenshit whining causes the death of a baker's boy. His little-man syndrome, even more pronounced than that of his uncle Tyrion's, has him pushing the envelope of the aristocracy moments after getting that stag crown on his head. His lopping off of the head of the series' top-billed star causes an immediate civil war that costs the seven kingdoms immeasurably. His iron fist keeps him in control for a time, though he proves time and again that like Meryn Trant, skill and intelligence don't matter so long as you're properly equipped. Only in Joffrey's case, he's packing a crossbow, and a big fucking set of balls.

By the time he marries his disproportionately hot fiancé Margery Tyrell, all of Westeros is wishing that Cersei had baked his ass in the pie. I wonder if it would still be dry then?

Previously By Jason Helton

8 Observations on Surviving a Playstation 4 Midnight Launch

12 Role Predictions for Star Wars Episode VII

Daylight Scared the Piss Out of Me: Four Reasons Why It Was Worth It, Five Why It Wasn't


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