6-9-14 Weekend Hangover: 17 Stories You Might Have Missed

Be honest, you miss her as Mary Jane…

It’s the stories you might have missed last week and over the weekend! Compiled with the aid of Kyle LeClair, this week’s list includes stories on sushi dating, Beavis and Butt-head, Ant-Man, giant ancient crocodiles, Spider-Man erections and more.

Tips submitted by the likes of troi, SlyDante777, Citrus_King, rkwsuperstar, Dr.Gonzo82, GreggoryBasore, NOT.DrAbraxas, andre_morelo, skrag2112, Gallen_Dugall.

1. No, Pink Panther – LIVE Ant. Live Ant. Live Ant Live Ant Live Ant.

Peyton Reed, director of Bring It On and Down With Love, will be taking over for Edgar Wright on Ant-Man. Fun fact – he was in talks to do Fantastic Four at one point, possibly as a ’60s period piece. Point being, at least he likes comics.

2. Settle Down, Bay-vis.

If Michael Bay made a Beavis and Butt-head movie…I can’t say I’d be entirely opposed to that particular rendition of Daria.

3. Calvin and the Strip Monk.

Bill Watterson secretly returned to the comic strip format to draw some Pearls Before Swine panels. How very Hobbesian of him.

4. In Soviet Russia Allegory, Books Color in You!

The Giver, based on yet another dystopian young adult novel, looks like a sci-fi take on Pleasantville.

5. Brain Food.

Zombie toothpicks presumably make your lackluster hors d’hoeuvre rise from the dead.

6. The Mirror Has Dos Caras.

Alberto Del Rio is one of several WWE superstars making sweetly out-of-character videos extolling the importance of fatherhood. Shane McMahon, who no longer works for Vince’s company, presumably could not be reached for comment.

7. Pitch a Tent? Please Believe Us/Spanking His Monkey Just Like Beavis…

…Look out – here comes the spider-boner.

Still a better Spider-Man than Andrew Garfield.

8. For Balrog, It Was Excavation Day.

An ancient giant crocodile fossil is found, and named after the Balrog from Lord of the Rings. Or so they tell us – it was probably named after the Street Fighter character, until some nerds got pedantic and argued that its real name was Mike Bison.

9. Jogging Your Memory Card.

A new USB shoe can charge a 400 mAH Li-ion battery in full by jogging for eight straight hours. The bad news is that you have to JOG FOR EIGHT STRAIGHT HOURS.

10. Add Ock Committee.

Dr. Octopus arms are now a very real possibility. So you can either attempt to kill Spider-Man, or use them to hold open the porn magazine while you masturbate with your real hands. No prizes for guessing which is most likely.

11. Player-Hater.

A guy turns his apartment into a retro video arcade, and is shocked to find his girlfriend leaves him. I know how he must feel – I myself am shocked to hear that an obsessive gamer is tone-deaf to the needs of his significant other.

12. The Very Model of a Modern JLA General.

DC Collectibles break down the articulation they put into most of their current figures. Who said Batman was inflexible?

13. The Empire Strikes Bat.

Mark Hamill reimagines a classic Luke Skywalker bit with the Joker replacing Darth Vader. The prequels certainly would have been better with Jack Napier.

14. Enter Dot Matrix.

She may look like a smaller version of the Spaceballs droid, but considering she’s Japanese, I expect a different use for her fully articulated hands will soon be put into practice.

15. “When I Said I Liked Golden Showers, I Didn’t Mean…”

There’s gold in them thar Montana faucets!

16. A Spicy Tuna Roll in the Hay?

if your date smells like fish, it could indicate poor hygiene. Or, in one Japanese video game, that they used to be pieces of sushi but are now handsome humans somehow.