9 New Clones That Orphan Black Needs Right Now

By Leslie Gornstein in Daily Lists, Nerdery, TV
Friday, June 20, 2014 at 5:47 am

5. The Replacement Seductress Clone.

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She's hot, but she's no good.

Think Tiffani Thiessen, trotted out on season 5 of the original 90210 to get the guys all hot and drugged up and bothered. She's not there to love you, fool. She's there to complicate the plot - usually with a mix of strategically placed lingerie scenes; confrontations with the Good Girl over Her Man; and maybe a little Mary Jane - and then move on to another series in need of her scheming ways. We would suggest Michelle Forbes, who so provided this type of service so brilliantly on True Blood a few seasons ago. Except she doesn't look like Tatiana Maslany.

6. The Fat Clone.

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Why do all of the Tatianas have the precise same body type? Is there not one clone who secretly crawls off the reservation to do some 2 a.m. shame eating? Is there not one clone who perhaps has a bit of a problem with stress and the belly-swelling cortisol that comes with it? Or does every clone in Canada happen to adore 2-hour Pilates workouts and brisk, 5-mile runs through the tundra?

We doubt it.

If they put Gwyneth Paltrow in a fat suit, they can put Tatiana in a fat suit.

7. The Penitent White Gangsta Clone.

When a show like Happy Days starts to feel more like Meh Days, what do you do? You bring in a character who did some barely illegal stuff, but feels real bad about it and just needs a big-sibling figure. Think shoplifting arrests and botched runaway attempts - - stuff that's naughty, not bad.

The ploy worked for Happy Days, which brought in camera-ready pseudo-deliquents Pinky and Leather Tuscadero in seasons 4 through 6. Not to be confused with ...

8. The Perpetually Performance-Ready Musician Clone.

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Adult Swim

Yes, Leather was always ready to strike up a tune at Big Al's. So were the various guest stars of Scooby Doo; if there was anything the gang from the Mystery Machine loved, it was solving a crime. And then jamming out to a hep tune from, um, Sonny and Cher.

But think bigger.

Think Johnny Tambourine.

9. The Streetwise Clone from Phluphia.

Full disclosure: I have no decent examples to offer. But is a character with an authentic Philadelphia accent too much to ask for, asks this writer from Philadelphia? One who hasn't seen a decent representation of a real Phluphian accent on a big or small screen since Rocky? The Silver Linings Playbook took place in Philadelphia and starred an actor from Philadelphia and yet no one sounded like they were from Philadelphia. It's embarrassing, people.

See the above video for edification.


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