Robotic Gaming Monthly #1 – Kinect, Kinkiness, And Various Kicked Asses

[Editor’s Note: this is the second new column that I alluded to when turning the Weekend Hangover into a list. Kyle’s column will be monthly…just as soon as I can figure out what time of the month I want to run it.]

Artwork by CitrusKing46

For you, the day Topless Robot debuted a new monthly column for video games was the greatest day of your life. But for me…it was Tuesday.

…

…Okay, so it’s Monday, and this didn’t debuted on the day I had planned. But our viewership goes up whenever we make that joke, so why the hell not?

Anyhow, welcome to the first edition of Robotic Gaming Monthly, Topless Robot’s new monthly feature devoted to the world of video games!! Featuring a look at both old and new highlights from the gaming world via trailers, retro lookbacks, editorials, and possibly more as time goes on. It is my solemn duty to indeed attempt to take an in-depth and serious look at the world of gaming culture and reflect upon it.

…And that’s why this debut article shall feature BOOBIES!!

…Or titties are what we’ll eventually get to discussing. Oh, we’ll still get to them, but first we need to address the big black juggernaut that suddenly started jumping around and making a ruckus a little while back. I refer, of course, to Microsoft’s recent announcements this month regarding the Xbox One.

So yeah, finally giving in to fan demand (or as Microsoft calls it, “delivering more choices”), the Xbox One will now have an optional model that does not include the Kinect and is $100 cheaper, will now offer free games to Xbox Live Gold members, and will no longer require a paid Gold membership in order to use apps like Netflix or HBO Go. Basically, Microsoft gave the people everything they had asked for, and we responded mainly by mocking the hell out of them in online comments. Not that I’m trying to defend Microsoft or anything, but I kind of get the feeling that we as a gaming community tend to come off at times like that bitchy girl you date who won’t shut up about how her other lovers did everything better.

Admit it, you’ve behave like this on a message board more than once.

But I digress, because the focus here should be on the part about the Kinect being entirely optional for the Xbox One. And it basically has to be the focus, because no one will shut up about it. Headlines have been popping up everywhere bearing titles such as “Is Microsoft Abandoning Kinect?”, “Kinect Is Being Ditched”, “Our Kinect Are Now Useless”, and “MICROSOFT SAYS ‘DROP DEAD’ TO KINECT!” with the same frequency as the evening news reporting about a new drug or bad habit that your kids…are doing (but really not). Then again, it doesn’t help that Microsoft is now retooling the Xbox One’s interface to fit this new change, or that they only gave a vague response of “a little later” as to when optional Xbox One Kinects would be released.

So since I’m contractually obliged to ring in on this as well now, I guess it’s time to answer the question “Is the Kinect dead?” or more likely “Should the Kinect die?” And I guess my response to that would have to be…No. I really can’t say that the Kinect deserves to die. Because having thought about this for quite a bit, I can say that while I more than likely joined in on laughing at Microsoft’s claims that the Kinect would be integral to the Xbox One, I have come to realize that maybe it really is integral…but possibly in a different way than we initially thought.

And not just as an integral way to showcase obvious Stepford families in awkward poses, I mean.

See, you might have noticed that once you remove the Kinect and add in the free games and apps, you get something a bit familiar. Namely, a PlayStation 4. Look, Microsoft, I know competition is fierce and you have to match your rival’s level of service in nearly any way you can, but deciding to have the Xbox One basically become your competitor’s console is not the way to go. I already have a PS4, thank you very much, I don’t really need two of them. You see, what the Kinect gave the Xbox One was something a video game console truly needs to stand out amongst the rest: Identity.

Yes, I’m aware Microsoft also has a stable of original television content lined up for the XBone as well that looks alright (for now), but here’s a shocker: I purchase video game consoles to play video games on. I’ll admit the entertainment features are snazzy and jumping between menus with voice control is fun, but it’s all secondary to the actual games. And without the Kinect to help allow for some unique games that the PS4 might not be able to do, what you have instead is two consoles with minor differences and a few exclusive titles that actually creates a harder sell for your console. And I kind of feel confident in saying that nobody wants all of our gaming platforms to conform into some sort of hive mind where they all think and act exactly alike. As I mentioned before concerning Nintendo and the Wii U, variety is the spice of life, and also an essential part of survival in the marketplace.

Speaking of Nintendo, what we seem to have here is a problem similar to that of the relationship between The Big N and the Wii U’s gamepad: Not fully knowing what to do with what your peripherals. Things like voice support additions for existing games are nice, but what the Kinect needs is more games like SWERY’s upcoming D4 (side note: when the eff is this game actually coming out??): A Heavy Rain-style sit-down adventure game controlled via a combination of controller-based gameplay and interactive hand and head gestures to allow for just the right level of immersion. The type of game that shows off the potential that the Kinect actually has. Yes, Steel Battalion: Heavy Armor was a botched example, but don’t let one company’s failure to create a working game discourage you. Or maybe even more games like The Gunstringer would do, as in simple arcade-like shooters and such where the Kinect nicely duplicates light gun-style controls. Or even something like the upcoming Fantasia: Music Evolved rhythm game where you get to play conductor, which will hopefully end up making quite an impact at E3. You just need more people who can be more creative with the Kinect is all I’m saying. So more games like that, and notably much less dancin’ Han Solo.

NEVER AGAIN.

So yes, I do think the Kinect is kind of an essential part of the Xbox One, and no, it doesn’t deserve to die. We just need more people who actually give a damn about creativity to work with it, to get some more gamers to get rid of the mentality that technology like this is a gimmick solely to be used for “casual” games and such that pander to easily-impressed folks. Or failing that (which is sadly quite likely), a price cut if possible. Because even if you’re mostly indifferent towards the Kinect, I think we can all agree that nobody wants a stagnant gaming market. Especially if it just leads to more dicks on the internet having nothing to argue over but pointless graphics stats for each preferred platform. So here’s hoping the Xbox One still finds a way to use the Kinect, and hopefully E3 shall show how they plan to do it. [NOTE: Since Microsoft’s E3 press conference will probably have happened by the time you read this, please insert the appropriate response of “Woo-hoo!” or “Ah, f***.” to that last sentence depending on how things went.]

Do NOT let me down, magic candle…deer…thingy.

And now that we’ve tackled a look at the Kinect that I’m guessing most of you skipped over to get to the promise of titties, let us now turn our attention to the slightly racier stuff. Namely the announcement that the Japanese tactical RPG & visual novel Eiyuu Senki will now be heading to North American shores for the PS3, and the recent release of Monster Monpiece for the PS Vita. Don’t know what Eiyuu Senki is? Well, let’s turn to the official description…

“In this fantastic adventure, the player finds themselves in an alternate world populated with famous characters of history and legend – who also all happen to be beautiful maidens – and must fight their way to world domination.”

Soooo…yeah, basically imagine Risk + your history textbook + Rule 63 and moe anthropomorphism. So for those of you who ever wanted to a see a big-boobied, gun-toting Christopher Columbus, your time has come.

It makes sense when you realize Columbus represents America in this game.

I should also point out that Eiyuu Senki was originally an “eroge”. What is an eroge, you may ask? Well, I asked resident TR anime/questionable content expert Timely-Tardis-Lego about it…

“As for eroge, Porn game? Covers both categories of hardcore and softcore. Though a hentai game is what the simple browser based flash games tend to be called in my experience, an eroge is a full scale game with many settings or something along the lines of a visual novel.”

…Yep. Mind you, I’m guessing any naughty bits (and there are indeed naughty bits; I checked at the cost of my browser history) will eventually be edited out or toned down for an American release. As for Monster Monpiece, it’s a virtual card game that also features moe anthropomorphized characters – in this case, various monsters – but with the twist of…um, let’s just just go to the video…

Yeah. That.

This all honestly feels to me like an increasing trend of more…um, explicit Japanese games getting released over on this side of the pond. Not that we haven’t had any before, but they seem to be more frequent now. I mean, in the past year or so alone we’ve had (or will have)…

– A game about ludicrously big-breasted ninja schoolgirls beating each other up while getting stripped down to their underwear (Senran Kagura Burst)

– A game where the character has to strip the clothes off of demons in order to defeat them (Akiba’s Trip: Undead & Undressed)

– A game about straight-up baby-making with a harem of schoolgirls (Conception II)

– At least half a dozen mobile card games along with Monster Monpiece centered around Rule 63 where other famous historical figures, mythological figures, and monsters are featured as notably busty women that you can collect (Ayakashi Ghost Guild, Devil Maker: Tokyo, Valkyrie Crusade, etc., though some notably add in some Bish?nen as well)

– A game about high school students forced to flat-out murder each other (Danganronpa, which doesn’t sound that shocking compared to the others, doesn’t involve fanservice, and I think I just wanted an excuse to mention Danganronpa, but still)

– A dating sim where you’re the only human high school girl in a school full of pigeons that you try to hook up with (Hatoful Boyfriend, which I think is also relatively tame (except for that one scene), but that is just messed up right there)

…Now, I’m not ragging on these games for being bad (hell, I’ve heard critics say that Monster Monpiece and other examples here are really good games despite their content). Nor am I condemning fanservice, especially since I don’t want to seem hypocritical given that I’ve spent previous Weekend Threads on TR posting Japanese cartoons of notably busty women (I still say Gashi-gashi’s work kicks ass, dang it). But it’s just that when there appears to be such a notable surge in this type of content, I can’t help but take notice (um, for other, less obvious reasons, I mean).

But why the sudden rush of these games? Well, “fan demand” seems to be the number one response given when asked why any of these games are coming to America (number two possibly being desperation for a Japanese gaming industry in trouble). And okay, I can obviously respect companies catering to the fans that request certain games. But the thing is, are we demanding these games for the right reasons (and subsequently, are Japanese gaming companies really giving them to us for said right reasons as well)? Is this “fan demand” coming from people who legitimately believe that these will be interesting games that are fun to play, or because they just want to see the risqu? subject matter?

I mean, there IS an actual game behind this…I think.

Look, I know we aren’t exactly the type to have high moral standards around here, what with the cramming, manicorns, and possible cramicorns. But dammit, we should at least have standards when it comes to quality. If you want to see Eiyuu Senki and more games like it because you’ve heard good things about it or just plain think that it could be a good game, that’s cool. If you want games like Eiyuu Senki simply because you want wanking material, then hang your head in shame, because that kind of obvious shallowness is something we need less of if gamers of the world are ever to gain more of a positive image. Also, fer chrissakes, the freaking INTERNET exists. Please don’t tell me you seriously needed an imported Japanese video game solely to get turned on by when you can just click a button and immediately invoke Rule 34. You may as well just watch a Let’s Play if you needed that.

Heck, this kind of thinking even seems to extend to older games as well, even without the boobies. Recently it was just announced that a potential re-release is planned for the infamous Sega CD FMV game Night Trap, the one that was a key player in the 1993 Senate hearings on video game violence (despite being as violent as a PG-13 slasher flick). We’ve also seem the obscure ultra-violent, un-PC adventure game Harvester find new life on GOG and Steam, and the then-controversial, shocking shooter Postal 2 ended up being one of the first games to be (re-)released on steam via their Greenlight process. All of these happened thanks to fan support, and additionally, as someone who grew up when all these games were released, I can also confirm that NONE OF THESE GAMES WERE ACTUALLY GOOD. Who the hell actually wanted to see these games make a return??

Someone actually this released back into the wild. They must pay.

Somehow this lust for blood disturbs me more than a lust for boobs. Look, I know we have a natural, morbid curiosity about these kinds of games, the ones that were either “shocking” for their time or deliberately tried to be as shocking as possible. But we know they weren’t quality games. We have proof, reviews, testimonials. Do we really need them sold to the general public again? Do we really want to send out the idea that we’re still willing to pay money for crap like this, and encourage the possibility of even more cookie-cutter shockers making a comeback? It would definitely mean something much more if all of this was attached to some more quality games, but between the blood and the boobs, I’m starting to feel slightly afraid that we may be regressing back to the stereotype of ’90s-era gamers craving nothing but ultra-violent and racy nonsense (and we’ll get to that era soon).

Remember, don’t let THIS…happen to you.

So to sum things up quickly, demanding fanservice-y Japanese games or blood-soaked interactive entertainment for their gameplay = good, demanding them solely for titties, panty shots, and/or guts and mayhem = bad. Of course, there’s logically no reason you can’t like a game for having both solid gameplay and notably explicit content, that would definitely be great. Just remember that given the sheer amount of moe anthropomorphism out there, beware as to what you can get turned on by…

If you ogled this for even a second too long, your soul is theirs to torment now.

Oh, and before we move on, there was also something this month about Nintendo losing a ton of money and suffering through a bit of a PR nightmare concerning gay marriage (which they thankfully apologized for), but none of that mattered because OOOOH LOOK POKEMON RUBY AND SAPPHIRE REMAKES LOOKIT DA PRETTY REMAKES OOOOH REMEMBER THOSE GAMES HOENN 4EVER YAAYYYYYYY

Ugh, I’m certain those will still end up being good remakes (& the new Mega Evolutions are neat, I guess), but the online reaction to them made it seem like this was the second coming as opposed to just simply enhanced remakes of the Pokemon games that people liked the least anyways. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s people cheering on Nintendo for releasing flagrantly obvious nostalgia bait to try and desperately win over a crowd.

Coming up next in Robotic Gaming Monthly: Flagrant obvious nostalgia bait!!

…And now for something a bit more different, it’s time to take a look back at a (somewhat) random issue of an old-school video game magazine from years past. Which is totally different than any of Sherilyn’s Starlog lists because…um…because screw it, I say so.

Actually, I’ve always had a large affinity for video game magazines, particularly the classic ones from my youth, and I’ve always wanted to give them a proper tribute or highlight, so way not start here? Anyhow, this month we’re travelling back to that magical time of September 1993 courtesy of Electronic Gaming Monthly, which I still say was the greatest American video game magazine ever made. And seeing as how I named this column what it is as a tribute to them, it felt quite appropriate to start by featuring some of their work. Notably, this issue featured a revamp in several areas of the magazine, one that lasted a whopping…year and a half. Well, it was exciting while it lasted.

– This being the early-to-mid-’90s, it was pretty much the law back then that every other cover of your video game magazine had to feature a fighting game, be it a Mortal Kombat game, a Street Fighter game, or a game you could bill as competitor to either Mortal Kombat or Street Fighter. In this case, the big story du jour was Super Street Fighter 2, Capcom’s latest update to the arcade hit that included several upgrades in gameplay and four new characters. It was great, but Capcom was mocked routinely back then for releasing nothing but trivial updates to the same game over and over again for desperate cash grabs, leading to one of the first “The more things change, the more they remain the same” moments you’ll see here.

– We open with a letter from the editor (Ed Semrad) about how Nintendo had disappointed him by talking a bunch of hot air, failing to deliver any cutting-edge content, and disappointing in the console market (again, we’ve come a long way). In this case though, it was Nintendo postponing the release date of “Project Reality” (the early code name for the Nintendo 64) that ticked him off, especially in light of Nintendo’s past failed promises to work with next-gen technology. Ultimately, Ed asks why he should bother waiting around for Project Reality and stick playing his musty old Super Nintendo while the Sega CD and the soon-to-be-launched 3DO will usher in a new future of game. So yeah, Ed was kind of an idiot there.

– Now taking a look at reader mail, we see EGM’s relatively new feature “Psycho Letter of The Month”. Suffice it to say, the name says all. This month’s winner came from a reader who addressed those complaining about the lack of blood in the Super Nintendo version of Mortal Kombat by pointing out that the SNES already had one of the goriest games ever…Mario Paint. And of course, he made sure to include photographic proof to back his statement up. And as per tradition, his debauchery won him a t-shirt.

– On to EGM’s Review Crew, where Super Bomberman easily won Game of the Month, earning straight 9s across the board. A well-deserved win, but notably 90% of its victory came from its four-player multiplayer mode. In fact, the majority of the crew pretty much seemed to only sing the praises of how awesome the game’s multiplayer was (one even said the single-player mode was just “above average”). So the next time you’re wondering how we ever got to the point where multiplayer and co-op modes are forcibly wedge into any triple-A game that comes along…well, feel free to blame guys like them. Except for Sushi-X: he kicked ass. Other award winners this month? Plok!, NHL ’94, and Final Fantasy Legend III.

– The readers then get to sound off on their top ten games of the month (alongside the editors and a list about video game box art that shames the hell out of what we have today), and here’s a shocker: The entire top five spots are devoted solely to various versions of Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter 2. At least Mega Man was able to sneak into the bottom half, albeit with the weakest game in the Classic series. And how did the readers get to vote on their favorite games? Why, with one of America’s drugs of choice back then, the 1-900 hotline! And now I’m wondering if any kid actually spent money to call in just to say that the friggin’ Atari Lynx version of Shadow of The Beast was his favorite game…

– The Gaming Gossip column comes next, manned by the one known as Quartermann…whom I realized while revisiting this magazine is kind of a massive douche (or at least the persona the writers gave him is). Basically, imagine a video game news outlet written by Linkara’s previously-noted ’90s Kid, and you have the basic gist of his style. Not to mention the fact that he spat out so many blurbs of rumors per month, the odds of getting things both right and wrong were pretty much equal. This month he speculates that the Sega Saturn would be backwards compatible with the Genesis and cost around $400, neither of which were true. And god, if I ever begin to sound like him, please put a bullet between my eyes. We’ll come back to him soon, though…

– And now for a look at the newest cutting-edge technology, EGM reports on Atari revealing the new next-gen console powerhouse that is the Jaguar!!…Yeah, those of you with even basic knowledge of gaming history know how this turns out. Even EGM were skeptical back then, noting that the two games they were able to play weren’t very impressive. Needless to say, it wasn’t a good sign…although I guess that Tiny Toon Adventures Jaguar game was a better sign. Shame it was never released…

– The section on arcade game coverage takes a look at the then-new 3D Sega brawler Virtua Fighter (referred to back then as Virtua Fighters), and…well, let’s just say that simply by reading the article, you can tell that we were very much an easily impressed species when it came to polygons back then.

– So we move on to the “Tricks of The Trade” section (you know, where you went for cheat codes and secrets before GameFAQs existed), and it’s here where this particular issue of EGM became a bit (in)famous. See, this issue contained the first-ever publicized sighting of Ermac, the much-rumored secret hidden character in the first Mortal Kombat game. In reality, Ermac was just a combination of a glitch and a shortening by Midway of the term “Error Macro”, but the lone screenshot here basically made him into the video game equivalent of Bigfoot. EGM and other gaming mags were then swamped with either questions about how to find Ermac or false hints on how to find him, and after a flurry of rumors, Ermac was finally made into a playable character in 1995’s Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3…at which point no one really cared about him.

– I should probably mention the actual cover story on Super Street Fighter 2, if only to provide more proof that Quartermann was secretly just ’90s Kid working under a different name. His list for additions that he would’ve liked to see in SSF2 included such dignified features as “More Blood”, “Fatalities”, and “More Babes!” as more examples of the quality he brought to gaming journalism.

– Now for some previews, and since again, this was the early ’90s, your gaming magazine was also required by law to feature at least one cartoonish 2D platform game starring an anthropomorphic critter in addition to at least one fighting game. Hence why the previews lead off with a look at Ardy Lightfoot, a well-received if now-forgotten platformer for the SNES. But since it was also preferred that the critter in the platformer have copious amounts of “‘tude”, notable attention was also given to Awesome Possum for the Genesis. And despite having more ‘tude and an eco-friendly message (clearly a winning duo), Awesome Possum has since been remembered as one of the more embarrassing Sonic The Hedgehog cash-ins, one notably far less awesome than today’s upbeat pop songs would unintentionally have you believe.

– EGM also had a pop culture section around this time as well, catering to the other needs of gamers as well. And as if to date this magazine coming from 1993 even further, we have the big news from Comic Con actually revolving around comic books, people who were actually optimistic for the upcoming release of RoboCop 3, and Apple’s launch of the Newton, their crazy idea for a tablet-like device that would let you take notes, send and receive messages, and access on-line services, among other things. Those silly bastards and their wacky imagination, am I right?

– Finally, buried in the back underneath eight pages of black-and-white ads for various mail-order video game services was a look at the Nintendo Shoshinkai, an expo held to showcase various games coming soon for Nintendo consoles. Amongst those was a little game called Fire Emblem for the Super Famicom. It was Nintendo’s first 24-megabit cartridge and the third game in the series, but it was a mere blip on the radar for most of us over in the West back then, hence why the game’s coverage here consisted only of one screenshot and a single blurb. But after a little game called Super Smash Bros. Melee introduced the franchise to the rest of the world, we finally got to experience the Fire Emblem games for ourselves as Nintendo began to release the games worldwide. And nearly twenty years later, EGM gave the latest game in this once-ignored series, Fire Emblem Awakening, their prestigious Game of The Month award, beating out the likes of Metal Gear Rising and The Walking Dead. Quite an honor indeed…that was rewarded with one screenshot and three slightly larger blurbs!

…Well, it’s still progress.

Before we move on, I would like to give a grand amount of thanks to Retromags, the non-profit site devoted to archiving classic video magazines that helped make this possible. So shockingly enough, I suggest you support them and check out what they have to offer. And yes, you can check out the rest of this issue of EGM right here.

But now it’s time to move back to the present, so let’s move on to some current trailers to potentially snap you out of any nostalgia-induced trances that may have occurred…

And now, a look at some of the most notable trailers and upcoming games revealed in the past month or so…and sorry for any lack of an attempt at a clever intro there, because this is sort of self-explanatory. Although there won’t be a lot of E3 trailers…if only because we’re saving that for the rest of this week.

– Sumoboy

So leading off the highlights from this month’s trailers is SumoBoy, an indie adventure game billing itself as a story-driven anti-bullying game with heavy doses of Japanese culture and mythology. Maybe it’s the fact that I was a victim of bullying myself up through high school, and thus this kind of strikes a chord with me, maybe it’s the gorgeous art style, maybe it’s the type of game kids could use more of these days…or most likely, all of the above and more. So yeah, I heartily support this game, and if you want to as well, feel free to donate to their Kickstarter campaign.

– Superhot

Despite a name that sounds like a quote from Ted Wassanasong (one for the few of you out there who are King of the Hill fans), what we have here is actually an intriguing first-person shooter where the catch is that time only moves forward when you move forward, leading to several intense scenes where you have to avoid slow-motion bullets flying towards you, kind of like the great Matrix game we never got (as opposed to the mediocre ones we did). The game has since skyrocketed past its initial Kickstarter goal, but you can still donate to it if you want or play the original prototype here.

– Witchmarsh

And with what I swear is the last game here in this crop to have a Kickstarter campaign, we have Witchmarsh, a 2D action-RPG set in Massachusets during the Roaring Twenties that involves a supernatural mystery. So basically, expect notable amounts of old-school meets Eldritch horror. Also, you can play with classes such as Gentleman and “The Moose”, which earns bonus points simply by sounding like the best cop show never made.

– Sunset Overdrive

…Well, I just spilled an impressive amount of latte all over the keyboard. I don’t want to say too much about this baby right now, since I expect to go into more detail next month as more info gets released come E3, but drink in all of that color, action, and essence of pure fun. Also, you apparently get to use a big-ass bowling ball cannon at one point. Frickin’ sweet.

– Never Alone

Back to something a bit more serious, Never Alone is an Alaskan-made 2D puzzle-platformer developed with the help of actual Alaskan natives, designed for the purpose of teaching the culture and folklore of the I?upiat people while also delivering a message about the importance of passing on stories from one generation to the next. And because I don’t have anything snarky to say about that again because that just sounds kind of awesome, let’s move on (after you take it all in, of course).

– BattleCry

Bethesda enters the free-to-play multiplayer combat arena with an online PC action game set in a world where gunpowder has been outlawed, setting the stage for some giant steampunk wars. And considering the internet’s contrasting default reactions to the terms “free-to-play” and “giant steampunk war”, I’m guessing this game might end up causing more than a few confusing boners. Still looks intriguing, though, to say the least.

– Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare

…This trailer is kind of confusing me a bit. See, for the longest amount of time my biggest complaint with the Call of Duty has been that they need to stop being/pretending that they’re so damn serious and realistic. And now here’s a trailer showing that the latest game is pretty much going to go full-on sci-fi, and yet unlike Titanfall, I still can’t bring myself to care about this series, despite the presence of Kevin Spacey. Maybe because they’ll still find a way to make it dull as hell?

– Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel

One word: “Godzilliondier.” Another word: “Argyle.” Four more words: “Frickin’ moon dance sequence.” Six words that definitely add up to one hyperactive, kickass trailer for the latest installment in the popular loot-and-shoot franchise. And those six words are all you need t know, dang it (well, that and “joy puke”, of course).

– Fantasia: Music Evolved

Yep, it happens to have a new trailer as well, go figure. A trailer that features an entire neighborhood full of singing vegetables and M.I.A. tunes, which may seem like a far cry from Walt’s classic film…and it probably is, but this trailer also came with the news that Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy the Silence” from the great album ever, Violator, would be included, so screw the weird vegetable people, I’m still excited.

– Dying Light

Dying Light, you may look like a good zombie game, but since this is also coming from the same people behind one of the most deceptive trailers ever for a zombie game, you’ll have to understand if I’m a bit wary of any trailer you put out I mean, how do I know that I’ll really be able to chop a zombie in half with one swipe from an electric axe?

Retro Game Showcase: Dynamite Headdy

Well, we may as well cap things off with a highlight of a classic hidden gem of a game from days gone by…that just happens to feature a main character obsessed with bananas. That would be the titular puppet star of Dynamite Headdy, the Sega Genesis platformer from Treasure released in the Fall of 1994. Now, this was a banner year for the platform game genre, a year that gave us Sonic & Knuckles, Earthworm Jim, Donkey Kong Country, and the like. But somehow, Dynamite Headdy was the game that grabbed by attention the most. The vivid colors and jaw-dropping graphics, the unique level design and aesthetics where all the world is literally a stage, the mind-blowing HOLY S*** LOOKIT THE SIZE OF THAT THING bosses, the variety of head-themed power-ups, the perfect level of challenge with a good chunk of extras to uncover (You got a secret bonus point!), the sense of humor…it was just a terrific game all around, one that deserves more love compared to some of the bigger stars of the day. This may have been where my somewhat-annoying tendencies to root for the dark horses in gaming began, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

…And thus this wraps up our first-ever edition of Robotic Gaming Monthly (and hopefully not the last). I would like to thank anyone who read this and gave it a chance, and if you have any opinions, thoughts, or suggestions for future content (oh yes, we have plans), feel free to let us know in the comments! Enjoy E3 (& our coverage of it), see you next month, and remember, having that boner for a sexy genderbent Genghis Khan is okay as long as you respect her brains. Bye!