7 Disturbing Things from Japan's Weirdly Pervy (but Canonical) Transformers Kiss Players

By Abe Pat in Anime, Daily Lists, Toys
Thursday, June 26, 2014 at 6:00 am
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She's got the touch! She's got the power!
Ever since the live-action Transformers movies came out, fans have criticized many things, including the story, the character designs, the characters in general, Shia LaBeouf being in them, and the over-sexualization of the female leads. Well, that last one could have been worse. Much worse.


You're probably wondering just how much worse. Well, it could have been like Kiss Players.

Kiss Players is a Japanese franchise in Takara Tomy's Transformers universe that came out in 2006. It's not exactly canon to the stateside continuities, but they use the same characters. The project was spearheaded by a man named Yuki Ohshima, who was also the illustrator and writer for the Kiss Players manga. It was also a radio play and a toy line that featured figurines bundled with Transformers from the Alternators series.

It gets very NSFW at times...



The basic story is that Galvatron's body falls and destroys Tokyo after Unicron's attack in the 1986 movie. The Transformers are now hated because of this, and they get driven off the planet. As an act of penance, Rodimus Prime gives the Matrix of Leadership to Ultra Magnus. Meanwhile, the fallout from Galvatron's impact causes a spread of his Unicron-enhanced cells all over the world. These cells also have the ability to fuse with machines and some animals, which can create mutant creatures that have Megatron's face. Those mutants are called Legion.

To protect themselves, the Earth Defense Command creates its own transforming mech forces. They also discover that the cells have a unique reaction when they come in contact with certain humans, it makes it so they can fuse with robots by kissing them. But when the time runs out, they get spit out from inside the robot.

While naked, and covered in slime.

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Even if the robot doesn't have a mouth.

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The Kiss Players also had a sequel series called Kiss Players Position, where to improve public relations with the Transformers, the Kiss Players become singers and tour the galaxy.

No, really.

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There was also an added comic that was bundled with the collected Kiss Players manga. It was called "Information Administration Teletran 15 Go! Go!" It starred Teletran 15 and Teletran 10. They were two of the many robotic extensions of Teletran 1 who take on the forms of young girls in this continuity.

I'm also going to talk about that too, so hold tight. First let's discuss some other disturbing things about Transformers Kiss Players and calculate the likelihood of them appearing in the movie series.

7. The Art

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These are supposed to be adult women who are at least in their 20s, not grade schoolers. The artist behind them claimed to be doing the art in "moe" style, which is a term for art with cuteness in mind. I've seen moe style art. It's normally things like chibis, or things that look like they're from a Ghibli movie. These are neither.

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Pictured: neither. And also nether regions.

If you want to get a better idea of moe, think of those creepy statues of the tiny, big-beaded kids with the huge black eyes you can find in thrift stores.

But back to the topic at hand, the only person who looks like an adult is this woman, who's the Commanding Officer of the Earth Defense Command.

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I'm going to assume she's pushing 50, since all the others look 15-20 years younger than they should. I'm also going to assume she's a cosplayer who became commander because she was in military cosplay at the time Galvatron fell, and the higher ups decided to roll with it.

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I really don't see any other reason why a person would dress like it was the Feudal Era if she weren't into cosplay.

The likelihood of that happening in the movies?

Fortunately, there's no way something like this can happen in Hollywood, but if we learned anything from that Power Puff Girls variant comic a while ago, it's that disturbing things like this can happen in some form. Fortunately, Hasbro cares about its image, so anything even that close to disturbing will most likely be snuffed before the first poster is printed.

Probably...

6. Optimus Prime's Resurrection

Ok, this actually isn't that disturbing. It's a bit like Sleeping Beauty actually -- the Disney version, not the Grimm brothers version where the prince has sex with a comatose girl, causing her to get pregnant, give birth, and be woken up by the baby suckling on her fingers, which removes a magic splinter that caused the curse. Anyway, back to this. If you're one of the many children who had to be taken out of the theater when Prime was killed in the movie because you were crying a lot, the following bit will probably be disturbing.

And speaking of the movie, remember when Prime was killed? Ever wonder what happened to the body? Well, in Kiss Players, he ends up in the possession of the Earth Defense Command. We see that he's being transported to their base and a group of anti-government rebels attack with the intention of stealing his corpse. The rebels are led by a blond woman wearing what can at best be described as a bizarre fusion of chaps, a thong and catsuit.

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While they're fighting, an E.D.C mech goes haywire and begins to fuse with Prime's corpse.

The blond woman realizes that to save Optimus, she has to kiss him.

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That woman is called Marissa Faireborn.

If that name sounds familiar, it should, because she appeared in several episodes of the Transformers cartoon.

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Yep, that's her.

And this is her in Kiss Players....

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The kiss works, and Optimus Prime comes back to life with a new body! As it turns out, there's another reason Marissa wanted Prime back, He used to play with her when she was a child, and, according to TFwiki, was a bit of a father figure to her. Which adds another layer to the creepiness of this all.

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The likelihood of that happening in the movies?

Compared with the weirdness of the movie's Matrix of Leadership and the robot heaven Sam goes to for a few minutes in Revenge of The Fallen, I wouldn't call it impossible....

But fortunately, Bay already killed Prime off once. Killing off and resurrecting characters repeatedly can only fly in comics. Just imagine the backlash from critics if they brought back and killed Jean Gray in the X-Men movies over and over again. Though if it were a montage of her dying in silly ways, I'd probably buy a ticket just for that.

5. Tentacle Tongue Penis

No this isn't a name I'm suggesting for a band, but I'm still calling dibs on it. The following is an actual thing.

Now, if any of you have ever seen one image from Kiss Players before, it's likely this image.

People usually mention the tongue being phallic when they see this image. I didn't think much of it. I always thought it looked like a tentacle, but then there's the next page...

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There is no getting around the fact that this thing is obviously supposed to be a penis. I mean, it even has a urethra! How it looks, and the fact that it's dripping goo on a girl, knocks subtlety out the window, kills its dog, burns its house down, and successfully collects the insurance money before fleeing the county to retire in Cuba.

The likelihood of that happening in the movies?

I'm pretty sure this is one of the most unlikely things on this list due to current censors, though I'm sure some people would be more than happy for anything even slightly close to an official Aliens crossover with Transformers.

The closest I think we're ever gonna get is that Alice girl from Revenge of The Fallen who had a long tentacle tongue. And also from that movie, if we take into consideration the fact that Devastator had balls, I would not put it past Bay to try and put a symbolic penis object in the form of a lower abdomen-mounted laser cannon, just to have that Transformer get shot there for a cheap laugh.

4. The Genital System

Yes, that's it's name. You can laugh if you want to.

It turns out that the E.D.C.'s Commanding Officer figured out a way to resurrect her daughter who died in the cataclysm.

This is where the Genital System comes to the rescue.

The Genital System is composed of series of tubes hidden far underneath the E.D.C base. At its base, the system basically boils down to the following steps

1. Knocking a Kiss Player unconscious

2. Stripping her, covering her up with belts, and locking her up in a tube.

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3. Feeding her to a legion head.

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And somehow, this will resurrect the daughter.

I was actually a bit surprised by this scene, since on the previous page, there were several half-eaten dead girls.

Fortunately for the girl in the tube up there, she's saved by Hot Rod before the legion head can start eating her alive with its mouth tentacles. But before the two of them can escape this happens:

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This is where the manga cuts off, but what happens after that is they have mere moments to save themselves, so Hot Rod and the girl kiss.

Despite the both of them being tied up and unable to move.....

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This gives Hot Rod a power up so the two of them can defeat the legion heads and escape.

The likelihood of that happening in the movies?

The worst we'd probably get is a gory discretion shot about some dead humans the Decepticons were experimenting on.


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