...Well, as you may have guessed, we were kind of light on non-E3 trailers this month. Still, there were some surprises to be had, including notable amount of bullets and asses, so let's take a looksee!
- Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain
We may as well lead off with the trailer that's actually still making headlines, as the Metal Gear Solid V trailer has apparently been getting praise from the likes of major film directors such as Guillermo del Toro and Nicholas Winding Refn...which would probably mean more if they were praising, you know, the actual game.
Honestly though, the Metal Gear Solid V keeps reminding me of such works as Apple's "1984" commercial or the original trailer for the 1992 film Toys...all of them gorgeous, acclaimed, unique, well-constructed works of art that still end up telling you somewhere between jack s*** and the bare minimum about the actual product they're supposed to be selling. The game will quite obviously kick ass, and I'm not saying this isn't an impressive bit of video...just not one that I feel is as incredible as everyone says it is.
- Titan Souls
If there was a surprise hit at E3 that everyone was talking about afterwards that I sadly didn't see (largely because I couldn't get an appointment to see it), it was Titan Souls. The premise sounds simple: You are a lone hero trying to assemble the shards of the Titan Soul, which you can only do by eliminating several huge bosses that are the only enemies in your path. The catch? Titan Souls was created as part of a game jam with the theme "you only get one." So bad news: you only have one hit point. Good news: the bosses only have one hit point as well. Bad news: your arsenal only consists of one arrow, which you have to retrieve each time you fire it. Quite challenging and quite interesting, but those of you still unsure, let me try summing it up like this: Imagine Shadow of The Colossus if it were made in 1992. Now imagine more SoTC, period. So yeah, color me excited.
I still think the claim of this PS4 puzzler being a "4th-dimensional" game is BS, since that would probably have to involve time manipulation as opposed to just manipulating the environment to get your hero to notice things, but it still looks like a beautiful and interesting puzzler nonetheless.
- Heavy Bullets
A first-person shooter where you only have six bullets throughout the entire game that you have to retrieve afterwards...wait, that sounds familiar. Huh, turns out this is being published by the same folks publishing Titan Souls, go figure. So is "extremely limited ammo" another possible trend we're looking at? Anyhow, we're looking at a roguelike FPS here (because of course every hit indie game these days needs roguelike elements) with procedurally-generated levels (ditto) that apparently overdosed on neon and seems quite intense, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued, go figure.
- The Legend of Korra
Ugh. Another cheaply made churned-out licensed game that's just going to...
Wait...is that...Platinum Games? As in the Platinum Games behind MadWorld, Bayonetta, Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance and several other notably excellent action games? As in one of my favorite game developers? They're making this? Well then...this just got interesting.
- The Witcher III: Wild Hunt
...I'll be honest, I do not personally understand the appeal of the Witcher games myself. But a lot of you do, and it still looks like a solid game with stunning graphics, so here you go, have at it.
- Dreamfall Chapters
The first chapter of the long-awaited second sequel to the adventure game classic The Longest Journey is finally set to be released...though hopefully without the awkward combat sections that made the previous game a chore. But even then, at least we're finally getting to see more of this epic tale, so huzzah!
Just when you thought there was no way to truly put the "fun" in "funeral", here's a puzzle-platformer about hauling a dead king's funeral chariot containing his body of the appropriate resting place he wants! Wheee!! In all honestly, though, the bit I got to play was legitimately fun and challenging, looks damn promising, and was this close to being included amongst my list of the best games at E3. Still, more power to ya, guys.
God, I wish the trailers for this game were longer. I mean, we did get the news that this incredible Fleischer-styled action game is going to be a trilogy, so we're definitely going to get more of it, but man, is it being a tease. I understand not wanting to spoil everything, but come on, I can't subsist on the occasional 30-second clip alone...
- Action Henk
Gotta be honest, at least 50% of why I'm including this trailer is largely because of the phrase "glorious ass slides." The other 50% is because it also features said flaming ass slides in action.
A stunning trailer the expertly shows off...wait a second. Ooh, that's right! I only feature cartoonish looking piles of shit! Oh ho, silly me! Alright, let's see what we have that falls under that category...
- Kim Kardashian: Hollywood
Yes, this is an actual game that exists for iOS and Android. Yes, it is official as far as I can tell. Yes, it embodies the worst aspects of "social" mobile games, right down to microtransactions. And yes, we should all be ashamed of ourselves as a species for having let this happen.
Now, you might be questioning the actual absence of a trailer here. Oh, there is one, but embedding it here would mean having to view even microseconds of it before I hit pause, and in no way would I want to expose myself to such torture. Also, the trailer is apparently one f***ing hour long. Good lord. The trailer is located in the article here, and if you have actually seen it and lived to tell the tale, you are a braver man than me. And an infinitely more insane man. Anyhow, make sure to thank our troll friend on the way out for reminding me to including this type of drek that I apparently specialize in!
Retro Game Showcase: Simon the Sorcerer
So earlier last month while my while waiting around for my cable and internet to be reconnected (long story), I decided to pass the time by finally getting around to tackling some old-school adventure games I had purchased on GOG.com. Turns out some of them haven't held up that well. But I was finally able to play Simon the Sorcerer for the first time and dang, was I wowed. Not only does Simon share the same SCUMM engine that powered the adventure game classic The Secret of Monkey Island, it has a great sense of humor to match, except with a bit more of a British bent to it (particularly in the voice acting). Throw in a grand world you can freely explore filled with amazing visuals, a cast of fun characters, and some creative puzzles, and you definitely have have something from the golden age of adventure games not to be missed out on.
And so we come to the end of our sophomore effort in bringing you a monthly gaming column. We thank you for checking out the latest edition of Robotic Gaming Monthly, and hope you somehow come back for more! And remember, sometimes shooting a vinyl record into a pulsating mutant's crotch is the mature thing to do! See you next time!
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