4 Things the Porn Parody Doctor Whore Gets Right, and 3 It Doesn't

Tuesday, August 26, 2014 at 6:00 am

What it got wrong.

1. The Sound.

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I actually liked the music score in this; it felt Doctor Who, but only enough not to get sued. My actual issue is the audio itself. Listen: when watching porn, you're either lucky enough to have the house to yourself, or you've got someone in the house with you, be it family, friends, or a roommate. In these situations, you're gonna put it on mute, or put on headphones.

Since I had to watch this in the middle of the night, headphones were the only option, and it hurt a bit a bit when the intro music hit since it was a tad too loud compared to the rest of the audio. The movie is split into four parts, and I forgot every time each of the other videos started and was scrambling for the mute button every time. I just think that with porn, headphone friendliness should be an important factor.

2. The Story.

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It is not that much of a story, but it's also porn, so you have to be a bit lenient. That being said, it really doesn't make much sense.

The earth is in danger, and it's because the Doctor unknowingly helped the cybermen, er, cybersemen. The Doctor eventually realizes that the cybersemen put a cyber-STD on him, and that's how they managed to get as far as they have with their plans, which included the cyber-converting of Amy and Rory. But then Doctor thinks up a solution, and we switch to the 10th Doctor's timeline

Ten is on Platform One with Rose, looking at planet Queef, just before it explodes. They have sex, the screen fades to black and part four starts, which is the opening scene all over again. Only this time, the 10th doctor shows up alongside Eleven, and both Doctors say that they reverse engineered the cyber-STD, and this caused the cybersemen to shut down. Jack and Martha Jones enter the room and the cybersemen in the room activates, and shoots Eleven. The Doctor dies, and Jack drags a crying Martha to the TARDIS. Then, it's revealed that the Doctor actually regenerates into a woman, who starts preaching about how progressive it they cast the next incarnation as a woman instead of a man...

Yeah, this is very progressive - much more than the show - especially since she only talks for about 4 minutes before she's in a threesome with Jack and Martha.

In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic here.

The end.

Now you might be saying "So, they're having sex at the drop of a hat? That's normal in porn!" Well, not so fast; it should still be cohesive. If you have a plot point, explain it properly. The cyber-STD isn't explained, and the same goes for the cybersemen's goals. How will semen help them? Is it fuel? Is it a component in their systems? Do they need it to open up a hole between dimensions and bring the rest of the cybersemen over from Pete's world?

It just doesn't make any sense! Its such a convoluted way to tie it all together. If you ask me, a simpler idea would have been to just have Jack reminiscing in the TARDIS with the 11th doctor about about all their sexual misadventures. Don't tell me I'm not the only one more interested in that time that the Tenth Doctor mentioned that Queen Elizabeth's title of "virgin queen" was no longer accurate.

3. The Sex Scenes.

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Maybe it's just that I wasn't interested in it, but the sex scenes were so boring. They were full of over-the-top moans, and with the only changes being positions and actors.
OK, sex is sex, but it's still Doctor Who! It doesn't take advantage of all the lore and time travel stuff in Doctor Who. Jack didn't whore it up with everybody, River didn't get double teamed by both Doctors, Rory didn't get to fulfill his double Amy threesome fantasy (they would have needed twins for that, though), nobody used a sonic screwdriver as a vibrator, and no historical figures were involved like in the Doctor's usual hi-jinks.

But no, all we get is Amy and Rory, which is fine. Eleven and River? OK. Ten and Rose, on Platform One, instead of Nine? No. My nerdy perfectionism makes me hate this scene for having the wrong Doctor. All I'm saying is, if they wanted it on a space station, with Ten and Rose, it should have been the time ship thing from "The Girl in the Fireplace". It would have spiced it up with more Who-ness if they added Madame De Pompadour too. The most out there sex scene is the last one with Martha, Jack and the newly regenerated female doctor, but that aside, it's still a normal scene.

Also, the guy that plays Eleven doesn't even have sex. They go POV mode for his scene, and if you notice the little star on the guy's hip, you'll see it's the same guy that played Rory.

I know it's a lot to ask for, especially since it'd raise the budget to make it, but a little variation, even with what they had, would have made it more watchable.

Though the greatest missed opportunity is that the producer, April O'Neil, who also played the female Doctor, could have taken things further. Now, if you can't tell by her name, she's into nerdy things. TMNT is the most obvious, though, and because she's into nerdy things, she's probably the reason this movie was made in the first place. So how come there wasn't a Silurian gang bang scene, to ride off the TMNT movie hype? That's when people would most likely Google "April O'Neil gang bang."

Am I being too nerdy in my nit-pickery? Well, you can always watch it for free and then tell me what you think.

Previously by Abe Pat:

7 Disturbing Things from Japan's Weirdly Pervy (but Canonical) Transformers Kiss Players

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