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Fast Food Review: Taco Bell’s New Rolled Chicken Tacos


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Because the company doesn’t trust the entirety of the U.S. population to know what a “taquito” is, here come “rolled tacos.” Also, presumably, so that Taco Bell can make ads that say “That’s how we roll,” as opposed to “taquito me out to the ballgame” or whatever horrible, tortured semi-pun is even possible there.

The rolled tacos are heftier than your typical grocery store variant, but much of the heft is in the tortilla, which, like the “crispy fries” some places have that seem batter dipped, has extra crisp-ish stuff on the outside – for twice the crunch and probably four times the cholesterol.

The chicken inside – ah, that’s a nice surprise. It’s neither the shredded spicy chicken nor the bland, compressed chunks of “breast”, but a new kind of shredded chicken that tastes so much like actual chicken, you understand why it’s just a limited time item. Taco Bell can’t have real-tasting food in any establishment for too long, or it bursts into flames like a vampire in church.

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They come in packs of two, and you get one dipping sauce with each. These include salsa, nacho cheese, guacamole, sour cream and ranch. (Julia: “Who the f*** dips taquitos in ranch?” And she loves both taquitos and ranch.) Stick to the guac and nacho, I say – they are known quantities and will not unpleasantly surprise you.

The real test here was how my wife would react, as she generally hatehateHATES Taco Bell. And it was funny to watch; the first bite elicited a reflexive heave from her just at the thought that it was Taco Bell food, but when I asked her how it tasted, she said it was pretty good. She then ate all the guac without leaving me any. Sad face. When I asked her why she didn’t want the sour cream, she proclaimed “I don’t want to get syphilis.”

Ultimately, her verdict was “Best diarrhea meal ever.” For me, I still think the best Bell items are those with fake cheese as a key ingredient, but these rolled tacos are certainly agreeable, if decidedly unhealthy tasting. If you too have a significant other who won’t “run for the border,” this might be your chance to have him or her temporarily not despise the place.

Because…THAT’S HOW YOU ROLL.

UPDATE: Julia just posted on her Facebook…

“Please people, remind me to never EVER eat Taco Bell. Longest car ride to work ever!”