Ask Luke’s Mother-in-Law: Threesomes Etiquette, Arena Football and Clown-Nose Guns

In which ex-cop/crazy cat lady/mom-in-law Martha Boyd answers your questions from the coziness of the Joshua Tree desert.

Hey de ho, everyone. Well, this weekend is Valentine’s Day. If you have forgotten and have a sweetie or need to get some points with someone, it is Saturday. You have 3 days of advance notice to get your collective acts together. I am surprised with the holiday approaching I did not get any questions this week on the subject. So here I go with some helpful hints on what you may want to be doing this weekend as it has possibly been forgotten. The standard fallback is allways flowers – traditionally a dozen red roses. However, I was never traditional, so getting something that was just going to die and look like crap in a couple of days was never a yea moment. Also, how much effort is is really to get some flowers from some you see at the freeway on ramp every day? Candy – okay, if your honey is not on a diet. If no diets are involved then buy good quality chocolate. Something from the grocery checkout lane is only ok if you are unemployed or under 18. It might pass if you personally craft a candy bouquet with your own two little paws. As my husband was not artistic, crafty etc this type of gift would have been a REALLY big deal as he would have had to take a lot of time and effort to put it all together.

Some other fun things might be a movie and dinner out, hot air balloon ride, a spa trip or even an hour at a spa, clean the house without being asked to do it; for the ladies, wash his car without being asked. Be creative and put some thought into it. The gift does not need to be expensive to mean a whole heck of a lot. So get hopping: it is 3 days and counting.

This week I took the January bottle and ice bucket down from the holiday wreath by the front door. We just have Valentine’s on the wreath next up St. Paddys Day and Easter. Got to start finding where I put those items from last year. We have an Easter egg hunt most years at my house. Funny thing about the desert – you have to do it early so the choclate bunnies and eggs don’t melt. One year we started around 10 a.m. – bad timing and everything melted. Most of the chocolate now if we are doing one has moved to the interior part of the hunt rather then go find it somewhere on 2.5 acres of land. I get a lot of small toys at the dollar store and put coins in plastic eggs for the exterior round.

Pretty soon all of the desert flowers will be coming out. Most think of the desert as just barren and brown. Well, a few weeks every year it is really pretty and green. The grass – yes grass – in my yard is starting to sprout. It does not get long enough or last to have to mow, but it sure is pretty while it is out. All of my trees are getting green. This is also the time of year when I have to start working on getting the pool up and running for the summer.

Well, this week the questions I got were pretty good, so here we go.

Witney Seibold:

Do I stay the night after my first threesome with a new couple?

Well, that depends on how well it went and if they invited you to stay. It may even be best to address this issue up front. Especially with this type of date, it might be good to know the upfront rules and expectations.

Matthew King:

Is a museum a good place to take a date?

Not a bad choice, and then maybe lunch or dinner included. Especailly if there is some sort of museum that you like. Space and or discovery museums are generally pretty fun places with a lot of fun things to do with the hands on exhibits. Also say your date is a big Hello Kitty fan and you just happen to know that the Hello Kitty event is in town – this would get your a huge amount of points. A really nice one in the LA area is the Huntington Library. They have a beautiful tea garden which is great for a romantic walk.

Paul F:

What’s the best way to inform work that you’re leaving?

Well, the standard way is a 2 week written notice. This is good especially if you are hoping for a good recomemdation. If you are into drama and don’t give a you-know-what, slam doors and just dance on out.

Kyle A:

What’s the best way to come to terms with the fact that Chandler is going to be the one that kills you?
I know I’ve been frontin’ like it ain’t no thang (is that cool still/again/ever?) but it’s driving me crazy.
…wait… I was always crazy. Am I fine with this? .

Sorry, but I’m not sure who you are speaking about. The only Chandler I know is a character on Friends and he could not kill a fly. Ask again next week with a bit more data – thanks

Christopher H:

And going off what Paul said, who do you think would be best qualified to take over the Daily Show?

I would love to see someone like Jimmy Fallon or Craig Ferguson, but I doubt they would give up the shows that they are on.

dnjscott:

Is it really possible to kick in doors? Stuff I read seems to vary between it being trivial and really hard and only for movies.

Yes, it sure is. Most departments today use what is called a ram which is a heavy metal object that one or two officers hit against the door. Older doors and older locks are pretty easy to break open with a good kick or shoulder in the correct spot. The longer the throw on the dead bolt the better. Also, hollow core doors are fairly easy just to punch thru.

GallenDugall:

QUESTION! They recently came out with a new less than lethal option for pistols that is basically sticking a big orange clown nose on the end of a pistol. The first fired bullet carries away the big clown nose and gives it enough surface area that it can’t do more than bruise. My questions to you; do you think this means public schools will ban clown noses? Will police officers take exception to putting clown noses on their firearms? What colors would make this more likely to appeal to law enforcement? And any thoughts you might have on the subject would be appreciated.

Somehow I can’t see this happening in law enforcement. Every idiot here in the US know that cops are armed and they have no question that real bullets are shot. Besides, if you stuck this thing on a weapon you would also have to redesign the holsters. I have a feeling that this thing would hinder the draw. Also, we all know that the bad guys who shoot at people or use the weapon for other illegal use would lose the nose in a heart beat. I think we really need to get serious on the toy guns that are still out there and look real. I can still go to a toy store or online and find plastic guns that look real. Trust me, in a dark alley or in a split second you don’t have time to see a little orange dot on the tip of a gun. Yes, I have seen some where only the very end of the barrel has been painted. Toy guns need to look like toys – no real weapons are orange, yellow, hot pink etc.

I don’t think clown noses are endangered items at this point, but if they were I am sure the clown union would take some sort of exception and put the big floppy foot down somewhere.

No color would be acceptable to most police officers. I found the best way to keep the guys’ grubby paws of my pretty chrome 357 was to put on pink ramp sights. They stopped drooling over it as soon as that happend.

Nebula Jack:

I recently became aware of Disney having a short film called Frozen Feverthat will be attached to their live action version of Cinderella that’s coming out later this year. It feels as though the house of mouse has started running out of fairy tales and are retreading past glories (particularly with movies like Maleficent), but there’s gotta be more than can give us.

Yes, I agree. It seems like with more and more things coming out of any studio is a re-do of something. I know there are tons of good writers out there but they have such a hard time getting material in the hands of the studios. It seems it is just easier to redo something. Cinderella is a good story, but it has been so done. Even the play is back touring the country now. Cinderella trivia – Julia (Mrs LYT) was a mouse in the stage version once.

Question: What are some fairy tales you’d like to see given the Disney touch?

This is easy: NONE. Sorry, I like Disney, but they tend to put the Disney smile, smile, smile spin on everything they touch. They water down stories and sanitise time for the under 10 audience. Read the original Grimm Brothers work and then look at what Disney has done to them; it is like you are reading two different works. Fairy tales are no so pretty many times.

davelog:

Dear Luke’s MIL,
Last week, you mentioned “No more football for a few weeks, cry, cry.” – does this mean you’re a fan of the Arena league, which starts up their 2015 season in March? If so, what’s your team? I’ve had season tickets off and on ever since the Rattlers set up shop here in Phoenix back in the early 90’s, in many ways I prefer it to the NFL. You rock already, but if you’re into AFL, you rock even harder in my book.

Unfortunately where I live I don’t get cable and I don’t have satellite and arena football is mostly on cable etc. Once in a while they will put a game on regular TV, and if I see it, yes I watch. The shorter field is an interesting twist that I have seen. I get most of my TV with old-fashioned rabbit ears and not all stations come in. The closest teams to where I live would be the LA Kiss or the SanJose Saber Cat or maybe even your Rattlers. So I would love to watch, but it is not very likely – so have to wait for the NFL to come back on. If you know of where you can watch without satellite or cable let me know.. I do have an Amazon Fire can you get games with that?

GallenDugall:

QUESTION! When I first watched Star Wars (the original) as a very young child I was confused by one thing. Why did everyone call that old man “Grandma Tarkin”? Later I learned that Lucas made up the title “Grand Moff” and that combined with the British tendency to mangle the ends of words simply made it sound like “Grandma”, but don’t you think it would be better the way I heard it as a child? Not enough scary grandparents in film.

I agree. I don’t remember scary grandparents in the film at all. We need to better promote the scary ones.

The palm tree picture is in my front yard. If you look closely you can see the green on the ground – grass. But the palms on the top are looking pretty good. Luv bug and Pirate were cuddling at the window. Your sister makes a good pillow. Luv (grey one) looks like she is winking at the camera. Well, that’s about it for this week. Please keep the “cards and letters” heading my way. As always be good to each other this week and Huggs.

This column lives on your questions, readers, so let’s have them! Post your serious or silly queries in comments below. Anything will be answered…anything!