7 Jurassic World Sequel Ideas I Just Pulled out of My Ass

Okay, so we know there will be another Jurassic Park movie, directly sequelizing Jurassic World, and that both Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard will be returning. That’s a no-brainer. But coming up with a surefire premise is more of a challenge.

See, the reason Jurassic World worked was because it showed us a version of the dinosaur park we hadn’t seen before in the three previous movies – as a fully functioning tourist attraction we’d love to visit, until the monsters escape. You can’t repeat the novelty of that, nor should you from a logical perspective, because why would anyone logically reopen that park again?

I can think of a few ideas. They may not all be winners.

1. Jurassic World War.

Any betting person would probably say the odds are on some version of this concept. A corporation weaponizing vicious animals for profit while wantonly endangering civilians is a central conceit that has worked for the Alien franchise, and nobody has original ideas any more, so why not crib from the best?

So here’s the pitch: the Secretary of Defense (Mark Duplass), having somehow ignored every single lesson of the past four Jurassic escapades, carpet bombs the island with knockout gas and has all the dinosaurs armed with remote drone-controlled armor and shipped off to Iraq to fight ISIS. To nobody else’s surprise, and despite the efforts of a noble Elizabeth Warren-type (Susan Sarandon) to defund the program, the dinosaurs in Iraq go rogue and start eating everybody, civilian and terrorist alike.

It’s up to Owen (Chris Pratt) to re-enlist and undergo desert military training with Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) so they can embed with special forces and enter Mosul, dodging both jihadis and velociraptors, to save the only American civilian contractors left there, as well as some cute local kids. Eventually the contractors will turn out to be involved in even worse stuff, and try to frame Owen for everything. A Pterodactyl will eat them at the last minute, allowing Owen, Claire and the cute kids to escape. Also, during the training sequence, Claire will fall flat on her face a few times as she insists on running the obstacle course in heels.

In a post-credits stinger, we will see a terrorist rigging up an apparently docile raptor with a suicide-bomb vest.

2. Euro Jurassic World.

Jurassic World had been around for a while before Indominus Rex messed it up. Do we really think InGen would stop at one park when there’s money to be made?

In this sequel, we look at the park that opened outside of Paris – a Jurassic World nobody attended because the French imagined it to be beneath them, a crass symbol of American subculture. Also, a Jerry Lewis theme park opened on the other side of Paris, and everyone goes there instead.

So even though Euro Jurassic World, like every dinosaur park before it, had security measures fail and carnivorous critters break loose, nobody ever noticed. They never emerged from the parks thick outer walls, and inside an entire new ecosystem formed.

Owen and Claire now have kids of their own, and figuring the French have it all under control, they decide to visit the European park where no disaster has ever been reported. And by the time they’re inside the gates, it’s too late.

While a headstrong, alcoholic French cop (Jean-Claude Van Damme) tries to enter the park to save them, Owen and Claire find their escape path cut off by demented, inbred dinosaurs. Will they escape? Of course they will. Because we have to have them return for….

3. Jurassic World: Serbia.

box art for “Jurassic City”

Any successful product gets a knockoff, and when damaged embryos are somehow smuggled out of the original Jurassic World, Eastern European scientists try to re-clone dinosaurs for a private park that a Serbian warlord (Rade Sherbedgia) has built from stolen gold to entertain his daughter. The resultant dinosaurs, whose DNA had to be severely augmented by existing animal DNA, are somewhat less than what big corporate science can do – in fact, they’re hybrids and mutants, kept in line by sadistic trainers with powerful stun guns who torture them into docility every day.

Owen and Claire, en route to a European honeymoon, find their plane hijacked by terrorists, there to kidnap Owen and bring them to their leader (Goran Visnjic) who is in league with a covert Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum, inscrutable) to try and sneak a hybrid male dino-hybrid that they’ve captured back into Jurassic World Serbia. See, they’ve contaminated its sperm cells so that it will render every female in the park infertile and stop the medical abominations from breeding. Owen must therefore not only get it back in the park, but make sure it mates with as many of the animals inside as possible, as their unstable DNA somehow – technobabble goes here – will ensure that the sperm works in all species.

But then the hybrid begins to develop an attraction to humans….

4. Jurassic V Westworld: Dawn of Congo.

Yes, yes, I know HBO is doing its own version of Westworld. The CW has its own Flash too, but that’s not stopping Ezra Miller.

With shared universes and spin-offs all the rage now any time something’s a monster hit, it’s time to reboot not just the Jurassic franchise, but every other Michael Crichton property at once. So in this one, Jurassic World takes advantage of the public’s short attention span, and reopens as Mega-World, of which Jurassic World is only a part, and Westworld is another.

Jurassic World is populated entirely by safe dinosaurs, with Owen and Claire supervising to make sure. But who is supervising the killer robot gunslingers?

SCHWARZENEGGER, that’s who. Now affordable thanks to the Terminator reboot going south, he’ll be boasting a gloriously fake American character name like “Jimmy Xerxes,” constantly going on and on about how robot humanoids could never terminate an actual tourist. Until they do. The trailer will feature an extreme closeup of him uttering a new signature line: “Oops. I goofed.”

Eventually, dinosaurs will fight robot cowboys. The robots will win, only to be beaten by a new computer virus called…The Andromeda Strain. Uploaded remotely by Ian Malcolm’s never-before-mentioned identical twin David Levinson Malcolm.

As the movie ends, Malcolm, Owen, Clair and Xerxes are approached by a female gorilla who gestures in sign language. Her name is Amy, and she wants to talk to them about the Timeline initiative.

5. Ice Age Park.

FunkMonk

Deep in Siberia, the Russian government – in a desperate attempt to distract the public from a failing economy and minor wars of aggression along its borders – creates its own counter-version of Jurassic Park: an Ice Age world that spreads across vast tundras, and features mammoths, megatheriums, sabretooths and other mammals that succeeded the dinosaurs. The implication, naturally, is that the Americans may have dinosaurs, but Russia has everything that drove them to extinction.

Only the richest oligarchs and foreign tourists can afford to attend, and Owen is sent in undercover, pretending to be the prince of a small island nation, to steal the secret formula for mammoth clonage. Wacky hijinks ensue when it turns out he speaks no foreign languages, and he has to make one up from scratch

All is going quite well until a tiny squirrel rat starts chasing a small acorn into the crowd, setting off a deadly chain reaction nobody could have ever anticipated.

6. The Even-More-Good Dinosaur.

in the interests of having at least one sequel pitch that targets women, I asked my specially selected female focus group – my wife, and three of her mom’s cats – what they’d like to see in a Jurassic Park sequel.

The consensus? “I want a dinosaur that’s nice, for a change. A pet dinosaur.”

Okay. So that rules out the usual conflict, if all the dinosaurs are nice. But what if they’re TOO nice? And a ruthless mad scientist (David Cross) hatches a plan to drive every parent in America insane by painting one of them purple, and teaching it to sing “I love you, you love me..”

Owen and Claire must stop transmission of the first broadcast before it’s too late.

7. Jurassic Poacher.

Jurassic World remains open, propelled to even greater success by the popularity of its newest dinosaur, Cyril the Triceratops.

Everything changes when a douchebag dentist from Minnesota (Steven Spielberg) visits the park, and is persuaded by the locals that if he has enough money, he can hunt a dinosaur as big game. They lure Cyril out of the island boundaries, to where he can be shot and killed.

Enraged, Owen uses all of his military training to log on to Facebook, and persuade all his friends to share an image of the dentist and dead Cyril. The man surrenders to the authorities the moment every image gets 1,000 “Likes.”

Yeah, I suppose this one might be too hard to believe.