8 Insane Things From the Never-Made Oliver Stone/Arnold Schwarzenegger Planet of the Apes

Thursday, July 10, 2014 at 6:00 am


In 1994, as Oliver Stone's Natural Born Killers was being released, his producers Don Murphy and Jane Hamsher were looking for the trio's next project. (Hamsher recounts these events in her book, Killer Instinct). Murphy was a lifelong fan of the Planet of the Apes series, and sort of haphazardly threw Stone into a meeting with a roomful of studio executives. As they were eagerly leaning in to see Stone reveal his master plan for Apes, he said, "Oh, I don't know, I watched the original films a couple nights ago and they are awful. I'm only here because of Don Murphy. You should talk to him." A roomful of betrayed executives glared at Murphy. Murphy started floundering and pitching the potential for Happy Meal toys, and was met with embarrassment and dismay. Finally, Stone stepped in and delivered an idea that Hamsher jokes was an acid flashback. "What if time were not linear, but circular, and there was no difference between the past and the future?...And what if there were discovered cryogenically frozen Vedic Apes who held the secret numeric codes to the Bible that foretold the end of civilization?" The execs loved it and cut Stone a check.

Thus begins the tale of the production of Return of the Apes. Jane Hamsher worked with Road Warrior/Beyond Thunderdome screenwriter Terry Hayes, and they were able to produce a screenplay that attracted Arnold Schwarzenegger to star in the leading role. Some bizarre pieces were falling into place, so we tracked down a copy of the script to see just how they would have landed.

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6-9-14 Weekend Hangover: 17 Stories You Might Have Missed

Monday, June 9, 2014 at 6:00 am

Be honest, you miss her as Mary Jane...

It's the stories you might have missed last week and over the weekend! Compiled with the aid of Kyle LeClair, this week's list includes stories on sushi dating, Beavis and Butt-head, Ant-Man, giant ancient crocodiles, Spider-Man erections and more.

Tips submitted by the likes of troi, SlyDante777, Citrus_King, rkwsuperstar, Dr.Gonzo82, GreggoryBasore, NOT.DrAbraxas, andre_morelo, skrag2112, Gallen_Dugall.

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Geek Apparel of the Week: Sailor Jerry Tattoo-Style Nerd Shirts

Tuesday, June 3, 2014 at 3:30 pm


When Caleb Paullus broke his left arm and in his right hand in a motorcycle accident, he decided to try to recuperate by drawing - and mashing up his favorite movie and TV properties with Sailor Jerry-style tattoo flash art.

His Kickstarter for the designs has already made more than seven times what it needed to, with 17 days to go, so rather than float some hypothetical designs, he sent over a few of the images that will now become real product, from Pokemon to Star Trek themes. And it's way safer to enjoy them on a shirt than on your skin - the former only hurts your wallet.

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Where's Servo Contest Winners: Your Best MST3k-Style Memes

Friday, May 23, 2014 at 1:00 pm

The beauty of an image contest, for me, is that it's visceral. I can appreciate your cleverness and creativity (and in the case of y2jbrak, your blatant attempts to curry favor by mashing up the Iron Sheik and M. Bison), but the judgment is simple: if it made me laugh out loud right away, it's in the lead.

There were many good entries, but the two that passed the instant-reaction test the quickest were by skrag2112 and Citrus_King.



Send me your info to claim your posters.

GIVEAWAY: MST3K/Where's Waldo Mashup Poster "Where's Servo?"

Monday, May 19, 2014 at 1:45 pm

Remember this?

Thumbnail image for wheresservo.jpg

Artist Steve Seck was so happy we posted about this print and responded positively to it that he's given me two of them to give away. As a reminder, it's a 13 x 19 in. print on 61 lb. matte paper.

So it's been a while, and we haven't actually had an image contest since we gained the ability to upload images in comments. In the spirit of Mystery Science Theater, here is what I want you to do to enter: find a screengrab or still from any recent movie, put a smartass comment on top of it, then upload it to comments below. The two I find the funniest will win. Contest closes this Friday at noon, and (sorry!) is only available to U.S. residents, due to the high cost of shipping posters. Enter as many times as you like, but remember that one good entry usually beats ten mediocre ones. You must be a registered commenter with a valid email account on your profile to win.

Get (wise)crackin'!

How the Gods Kill: H.R. Giger, Dead From a Fall

Tuesday, May 13, 2014 at 6:00 am


If he'd only ever designed the xenomorph Alien, and nothing else, ever, Hans Rudolf Giger would have solidified himself into the pop-culture pantheon. As is, he can also lay claim to the cover of one of my favorite albums (though he later sued Danzig over that), the design of Species and Troma's Killer Condom, the great unused proposals for Jodorowsky's Dune, the inspiration for various Batmobiles, and the signature "bio-organic" aesthetic that has graced many a tattoo and fired up the imagination of many a dark and brooding adolescent (this one included).

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Weekend Hangover: 17 Non-Star Wars Stories You May Have Missed

Monday, May 5, 2014 at 6:00 am


With May the 4th yesterday, the weekend was buzzing with Star Wars-related goodness - so much so that you may have missed a few things less Force-fully presented.

As always, we're here to rectify that. With the assistance of compiler Kyle LeClair, here are some of the stories you may have missed over the weekend. Tipsters include: Gallen_Dugall, SlyDante777, troi, Rx79immigrant84, jaganar, rkwsuperstar

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10 Things I Learned Running Game Demos at WonderCon

Tuesday, April 22, 2014 at 6:00 am

This last weekend, I attended WonderCon for the first time. In addition to general convention activities like observing cosplayers and wandering the Exhibit Hall, I was also con liaison for Steve Jackson Games.


WonderCon didn't particularly have gaming as a focus, but there was a sizable gaming area, part of which was reserved for the Steve Jackson Games demo team. It was an interesting and fun experience, so I'm sharing ten things I learned serving as a con liaison and miscellaneous convention attendee.

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Weekend Hangover: Superhero Furries, Spider-Politician, Sharknado 2 and More

Monday, April 14, 2014 at 10:00 am


While I am certain - not - that most of you were either partying at Coachella or gettin' down to the MTV Movie Awards, many of your fellow readers were scaring up the usual mess o' stories that we didn't have room for last week. Compiled from the weekend thread with the help of Kyle LeClair, here are your weekend highlights of hilariousness.

Tipsters include: donnaryoko, Anyone00, SlyDante777, Dr.Gonzo82, Gallen_Dugall, Citrus_King, troi, andre_morello

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Where's Waldo-Style Poster of Characters From Every MST3K Movie

Tuesday, April 8, 2014 at 4:00 pm

click to enlarge

Artist Steve Seck watched every episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 in chronological order with his wife, and has drawn up a poster featuring at least one character from every episode "from Torgo to Trumpy, Mitchell to Puma Man, Gamera to Krankor, even the mythical and vague Sampo! (Oh yeah, and you can also search for Tom Servo, I think.)" If you buy the poster, it also comes with a character key in case you forgot who's who, or you just want to cheat regardless.

As a prostitute might say, Seck's work is glorious.