GoT Milked: Oh Hi, Sparrow!

Monday, April 27, 2015 at 6:30 am

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(As your host has missed several seasons of Game of Thrones, please excuse him if any of the questions asked in the following recap have glaringly obvious answers to the loyal fan.)

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First Two Chapters of Clive Barker's Hellraiser Sequel The Scarlet Gospels Are Online

Thursday, April 23, 2015 at 12:36 pm

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Crossover of preexisting characters who haven't met before...check.

Retconning of established lore that fans don't like to make it cooler...check.

Disgusting descriptions of abortions and anal rape with hooks and chains...check.

You know, if I didn't know Clive Barker's work as well as I do, I'd swear this was fan fiction. But if you want to read about how Pinhead killed most of the world's secret wizards, read on.

DC and WB Launch "Super Hero Girls" Product Lines, Because Inclusion Is Hard

Wednesday, April 22, 2015 at 2:08 pm

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You can read the whole thing, but I'll focus on the parts that seem key.

Developed for girls aged 6-12, DC Super Hero Girls centers on the female Super Heroes and Super-Villains of the DC Comics universe during their formative years--prior to discovering their full super power potential. Featuring a completely new artistic style and aesthetic, DC Comics' icons such as Wonder Woman, Supergirl, Batgirl, Harley Quinn, Bumble Bee, Poison Ivy, Katana and many more make their unprecedented teenaged introduction. Each character has her own storyline that explores what teen life is like as a Super Hero, including discovering her unique abilities, nurturing her remarkable powers and mastering the fundamentals of being a hero.


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New Jurassic World Trailer - "An Asset out of Containment"

Monday, April 20, 2015 at 9:42 am

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Gotta love those corporate euphemisms for "escaped dinosaur eating people."

And pteranodons snatching up kids? Colin Tervorrow is already venturing where I'm not sure Spielberg would dare. I hope there aren't any more trailers, because I feel like this teases every good bit, and more would just be overkill.

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GoT Milked - Your Weekly Game of Thrones Recap Thread by a Dummy

Monday, April 20, 2015 at 8:00 am

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(Reminder: I have watched only the first six episodes of Game of Thrones, and last week's episode. The goal is to see if I can make any sense of it with all I've missed.)

Right, so we get a few real-life political lessons this week. Fair trials for your enemies will make people accuse you of being unpatriotic, bribing your ministers usually works, poor people in regions where slaves are freed will remember slavery fondly because at least they weren't goddamn slaves, and third-party candidates can totally be spoilers.

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The Game of Thrones Toilet Turns Porcelain Into "Iron"

Tuesday, April 14, 2015 at 8:00 am

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The king shall doo-doo as he likes, with a custom-built head that's far more menacing than Sean Bean's. In the latest Super Fan Build video, George R.R. Martin's Iron Throne becomes a true seat of power for the monarch who gives a crap. Never mind the White Walkers - it's the Brown Floaters you have to watch out for now.

And while we're flush with puns, just watch the thing...

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Game of Thrones SPOILER Recap by a Guy Who Hasn't Watched Since Season 1

Monday, April 13, 2015 at 6:30 am

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I'm not pulling a Witney here, I promise. I just legitimately have not had room for HBO in my budget, but right now, the free preview the cable company is giving us has yet to end, so I'm taking advantage.

I saw the first six episodes of season 1 on screeners, and found them so densely exposition-heavy I wasn't necessarily inclined to run out and keep track, though of course they stopped just as things were getting interesting. In the meantime, I've absorbed the broader strokes through pop-culture osmosis: people die en masse at weddings, Sean Bean lost his head, whiny little bitch boy-king died of choking, some giant dude named the Mountain killed some other dude, dragons hatched, Jason Momoa got killed off and became Aquaman, a fella named Hodor keeps saying "Hodor," etc.

So I watched the season premiere last night. Let's see how I kept up.

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Teenage Lois Lane Will Star in New Young-Adult Book Series

Thursday, April 9, 2015 at 11:07 am

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It will never not be funny to me that DC is better at marketing alternate-reality versions of its characters than their actual, true-to-comic versions.

Lois Lane is starting a new life in Metropolis. An Army brat, Lois has lived all over -- and seen all kinds of things. (Some of them defy explanation, like the near-disaster she witnessed in Kansas in the middle of one night.)
Ah, so THAT's how we tie in Superman-before-Superman.

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Let's See How Desperate Nic Cage Is: Left Behind 2 Is Crowdfunding

Tuesday, April 7, 2015 at 12:30 pm

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Producer Paul Lalonde may not believe it, but the only reason anyone paid attention to his Left Behind remake was Nicolas Cage - the true believers already had a version made by more faithful folks. And Nicolas Cage does stuff for the money, as his entire recent career shows. So you think raising $500,000 on Indiegogo is gonna get the job done?

I suggest you start fitting Gary Busey with a black wig instead. Or maybe Nic Cage really will take anything. I suspect we'll find out soon.

Oh, here's the best part of the Indiegogo - the $75 perk:

With direct access to the people who are making the movie, you'll advise us on casting decisions, plot development, artwork decisions and more!
Translation: because we have no idea what the fuck we're doing, and literally anything you say to us will be smarter than what we'll come up with.

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Sesame Street Spoofs Game of Thrones, in Possible Sign of the Apocalypse

Monday, April 6, 2015 at 11:25 am

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People on the Internet mashing up Sesame Street to gangsta rap - give it up. Actual Sesame Street has you beat for adult-themed incongruity, again.

Make no mistake - this is a wonderful parody.

It is also full of coded references to all the incest, poisonings, murders and so on that any parent who watches GoT will get. So I have to ask - when do we get Fifty Shades of Green with Oscar the Grouch? (I would be completely unsurprised to hear that it exists and I missed it.)

i also fear that in this world of "Chesteros," a mortal feud is about to begin, due to House Grover hijacking Count Von Count's function as the counting guy.

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