Adi Shankar's James Bond Fan Film Is Less Ambitious Than His Power Rangers.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015 at 8:00 am

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Having finally settled things with Saban and re-uploaded "Power/Rangers" with more specifically negotiated legalese, Adi Shankar has dropped his new "gritty reboot": a James Bond fan film starring an aging Sean Connery Bond in the present day. Part RED and part Hollis Mason death scene in Watchmen, it's done in animatic storyboard form, and features Bond pining for the old days when he didn't have to pay for sex and could kill with impunity. Decent Connery impression too.

I typed this late at night when this video went up, so I hope it still appears below!

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Seduced by Doctor Bigfoot Is Your Amazon.com Horror of the Day

Monday, March 2, 2015 at 12:30 pm

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There's really nothing I can say about this book that the synopsis doesn't:

On the eve of the biggest case of his life, attorney Mark Tucker gets some devastating news. The opposition has brought in a new lawyer, the notorious Nart Bulgok, who has never lost a case and is the mythical creature, Bigfoot, as well as a renowned doctor.

After completely botching his opening statement, Mark retreats to a nearby bar to nurse his wounds. But when Nart shows up to offer an olive branch, things take a turn for the unexpected.

Suddenly, the two of them find themselves wrapped up in a sordid night of erotic, gay desire, one that will change the shape of their hearts, and buttholes, forever.

This erotic tale is 4,200 words of sizzling human on gay bigfoot action, including anal, blowjobs, rough sex, and doctor lawyer love.

So who'll be the first commenter to pick "Nart Bulgok" as a username?

h/t Witney Seibold.

Double-Deckard! Blade Runner Sequel Is Official With Harrison Ford

Thursday, February 26, 2015 at 6:44 pm

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EXCLUSIVE! The new poster.

I've seen things you wouldn't believe.

Harrison Ford signing on to a sequel to something he did 30-odd years ago is not one of them. Prisoners' Denis Villeneuve will direct.

One of the reasons we've never gotten decent Blade Runner toys is that actor likeness rights aren't included in any licensing deal. If any of the rest of the original cast comes back, maybe we can fix that. I'm not sure much else good can come from this, though having the original co-screenwriter Hampton Fancher aboard is a good sign. But which cut of the movie is it a sequel to? They should shoot like five different versions simultaneously just to please everyone.

Do Bad Nerds Dream of Electric Sequels?

Director of 1996 Marlon Brando Island of Dr. Moreau Is Planning on Remaking It

Tuesday, February 24, 2015 at 11:02 am

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I am an unapologetic fan of the John Frankenheimer movie that came out, which works far better than it has any right to as a descent into madness that systematically kills off every character you care about (David Thewlis as romantic lead, in and of itself, is a ballsy, nutso casting move that I love). But when you see the documentary Lost Souls, about the making of it, it's clear that Richard Stanley's original vision was a million times MORE nuts, with stuff that was probably unfilmable in the mid-'90s, both for content reasons and effects limitations.

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In the Fight Club Sequel, See "Jack" and Marla Married With a Kid

Thursday, February 19, 2015 at 10:30 am

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Playboy has just debuted the first six pages of Chuck Palahniuk's comic-book sequel that's almost certain to be a movie at some point even if they end up recasting everybody (it seems like more of a sequel to the movie anyway - I always read the book's ending as the narrator dying, though you could conceivably interpret the film that way too). From it, we can glean a few things - the narrator now calls himself Sebastian, he has a son whom he has taught many of Tyler's tricks to, and Marla is still a tourist in woefully inappropriate support groups.

The tag line is "Some imaginary friends never go away," so presumably we're marking time until Tyler Durden shows up again and makes this something more than American Beauty with 12-step programs. What's he going to make of a world where people are more worried about owning anything any more, rather than being defined by needless purchases?

I am Jack's curiously raised eyebrow. I want to be his raging boner. But we'll see.

Gilbert Gottfried Reads Fifty Shades of Grey - Enough Said

Friday, February 13, 2015 at 2:00 pm

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It's too bad this is just a short funny video and not an actual book on tape. And a huge missed marketing opportunity - E.L. James could make a ton of money from the haters if she authorized something like this.

There would also be no argument, as there apparently was with the movie's director, about what the last words of the story should be. In this case, the only acceptable answer is "The Aristocrats."

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The 33 Stupidest Things About Fifty Shades of Grey

Thursday, February 12, 2015 at 5:00 am

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"Why cover this movie at all? It's not nerdy!"

Good question, Mister (or Ms.) hypothetical commenter. Although not really. The answer should be obvious: since day one, Topless Robot has been associated with fan fiction. Both I and my predecessor have gradually become well-versed in terrible things created by hardcore fans whose biggest problems with their favorite movies and cartoons are that there isn't enough perversity in them.

Now, with the highest-profile movie ever to be based on fan fiction about to come out, tell me: how many of the other people writing about this film will have voluntarily read tales of McDonald's Happy Meals raping people and forcing them to lactate McFlurries, or My Little Pony characters who give birth to baby spiders at the behest of Cthulhu? I'm betting none. It is not only my duty, but my inherited calling, to take this movie on, on your behalf.

TOTAL SPOILAGE follows, but it's not like anybody's going to go see the movie for the plot anyway. Here are the dumbest things you can see - and drag queens will soon enough be reenacting - in Fifty Shades of Grey, the movie.

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Huh. I'm Actually Kinda Liking the Man From UNCLE Trailer

Wednesday, February 11, 2015 at 5:27 pm

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It looks like the sort of movie that Kingsman: the Secret Service was only pretending to be (but more on that later). Henry Cavill and Armie Hammer have decent enough fake accents, and it doesn't look like they're taking things too far over the top of what the original series did (admittedly, that's a pretty high top).

Guy Ritchie was never a great fit to do Sherlock Holmes, but campy '60s-style action seems right in his wheelhouse. Consider this the first time in years I've been interested in one of his films.

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Fifty Shades of Buscemi Is the Movie I Wish Were Opening This Weekend

Monday, February 9, 2015 at 1:20 pm

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This is a very obvious, funny-lookin' in a general sort of way recut that could benefit from some digital cutting and pasting - and yet it nonetheless brilliantly turns a movie I don't care about into one that would probably be my favorite of the year if it existed.

Though given Buscemi's resume, he should be in Fifty Shades of Pink.

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TR Review: Seventh Son Can Play With Madness, but Never Fully Embraces It

Thursday, February 5, 2015 at 8:00 am

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It's not hard to imagine Jeff Bridges showing up to the set of Seventh Son on day one with the idea of pranking director Sergei Bodrov. The gag would be this - Bridges would pretend he'd pulled a Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will be Blood-level of historical research, and determined exactly how a drunken witch-hunter from the Middle Ages would sound. Then, on take 1, he'd bust out the absolute stupidest voice he could think of, predicting that Bodrov would first be angry, then laugh, and it'd be a great ice-breaker.

Except if anything like this did happen, Bridges neglected the fact that non-native speakers of a language can't really pick up on the differences between accents. So we must imagine Bodrov not only not laughing, but being cool with it...and Bridges forced to keep up the pretense that his idiotic brain-damaged-English-wizard-stroke-victim accent was what he meant to do all along.


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