I READ YOUR FANFIC! "Harry Potter: Forbidden Love"

Wednesday, April 16, 2014 at 8:00 am

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If you want to submit fan fiction for me to read, please send it - or a link to it - to toplessrobot-at-gmail-dot-com with subject line "Read my Fanfic!"

Title: "Forbidden Love" by Darkmoon 2222

Logline: Ginny Weasley and Draco Malofy lie naked together, and then a bunch of other characters tell them off.

Acts Involved: Disappointingly, just the lying nude together and getting yelled at. No oral, vaginal or anal sex, nuthin'. But we have fun with it anyway.

Participants: Draco, Ginny, Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks, Mad-Eye Moody, Minerva McGonagall.

The Live Reading...(Featuring Greg Jones Jr. and Francis the Cat, plus a really badly placed light)

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George R. R. Martin, Wedding Planner

Monday, April 14, 2014 at 12:00 pm

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If you want your nuptials livened up - and then littered with a body count - he's your guy! (This would have made a much better movie than that one where Jennifer Lopez had the same job. Especially if Martin still gets to fall for Matthew McConaughey.)

No specific spoilers here, but even I know that nobody in Westeros should ever get married publicly.

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Weekend Hangover: Superhero Furries, Spider-Politician, Sharknado 2 and More

Monday, April 14, 2014 at 10:00 am

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While I am certain - not - that most of you were either partying at Coachella or gettin' down to the MTV Movie Awards, many of your fellow readers were scaring up the usual mess o' stories that we didn't have room for last week. Compiled from the weekend thread with the help of Kyle LeClair, here are your weekend highlights of hilariousness.

Tipsters include: donnaryoko, Anyone00, SlyDante777, Dr.Gonzo82, Gallen_Dugall, Citrus_King, troi, andre_morello

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TR SHOWDOWN! Game of Thrones Theme - Smooth Jazz, or Screaming Goats?

Thursday, April 10, 2014 at 8:00 am

UPDATE: Goats win. It wasn't even close.

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A while back, some of you suggested you'd like to see "who would win" style nerd battle articles. Many of them, pitting one hero against another, seemed to me like things that had been done already, but when two particular tips came in, I decided they'd be perfect for this new feature.

[I'm also open to better names than "TR Showdown."]

The Battle: Which cover version of the Game of Thrones theme is better?

The Combatants: Screaming goats from other viral videos versus Dave Koz and Postmodern Jukebox's "smooth jazz" version.

Let's begin...

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Where's Waldo-Style Poster of Characters From Every MST3K Movie

Tuesday, April 8, 2014 at 4:00 pm

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Artist Steve Seck watched every episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 in chronological order with his wife, and has drawn up a poster featuring at least one character from every episode "from Torgo to Trumpy, Mitchell to Puma Man, Gamera to Krankor, even the mythical and vague Sampo! (Oh yeah, and you can also search for Tom Servo, I think.)" If you buy the poster, it also comes with a character key in case you forgot who's who, or you just want to cheat regardless.

As a prostitute might say, Seck's work is glorious.

Game of Thrones Honest Trailer Deserves the Extra Love

Thursday, April 3, 2014 at 5:00 pm

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I tend to assume that most of you know about Honest Trailers, and it'd be redundant to call attention to every single new one, but they've outdone themselves on Game of Thrones. From separate spoiler and non-spoiler versions to the nudity montage (with conveniently placed black bars) and name confusion, they've nailed both the good, the bad, and the WTF elements in equal measure.

You might say the gauntlet just got Throne down. Oh, snap!

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I READ YOUR FANFIC! Garfield vs. Kill La Kill

Wednesday, April 2, 2014 at 8:00 am

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If you want to submit fan fiction for me to read, please send it - or a link to it - to toplessrobot-at-gmail-dot-com with subject line "Read my Fanfic!"

This week's episode once again features special guest "victim" Greg Jones Jr.

Title: "Garfield vs Ragyo" by Sailarkiller

Logline: Garfield is earth's last hope against Kiryuin Ragyo's plan to take over the world.

Acts Involved: Cartoon cat on anime character violence, implied sex and nudity, uncharacteristic violence, beastiality, furries.

Participants: Garfield, Ragyo, Satsuki, Ryuuko, Inumuta, Sanageyama, Nonon, Mako

The Live Reading...

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Fanboy Flick Pick: Noah Movie Is A Powerful PTSD Parable

Friday, March 28, 2014 at 8:00 am

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Broadly speaking, there are two groups of people likely to go and see the movie Noah.

In group 1, we have those for whom the story of Noah's Ark is a parable at best and a flimsy fairy tale at worst. To you I say this: whether or not God is real, within the reality of the movie there is no doubt. If you can believe in lightsabers and the force for as long as it takes to accept a story in the Star Wars universe, you can accept, for two and a half hours, that a divine being who wants to drown His own primary creation is very real inside the world of this film.

In group 2, we have those for whom the tale of Noah is holy writ, and possibly even the literal history of mankind. To you I say this: EVERY movie about history takes liberties. All are staged interpretations, and none are 100% exactly as they actually happened. Before they were written down and codified, it isn't hard to imagine that the various fireside oral tellings differed from one another. That does not invalidate the final moral.

Knowing that, then, how do we judge Darren Aronofsky's Noah?


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New Edge of Tomorrow Trailer Feels Like I've Lived Through It Already

Tuesday, March 25, 2014 at 3:46 pm

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Hi, Tom Cruise. I don't hate you like a lot of people I know do. Your primary modes of "intense focus" and " big laughter" work for the roles you get, and I'm all for your support of sci-fi.

But seriously, don't make it so obvious that you insist on riding a motorcycle in every movie, no matter how germane to the plot it is. And once you've done one movie in which multiple clones of you get killed, maybe following it with one where you die again and again isn't quite so interesting as it might otherwise be. I know you have weird beliefs about souls, but they don't have to be manifest in every single project.

Just lookin' out for ya, man. When it comes to what to do with some of your default impulses, one might even say All You Need Is Kill...

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Fanboy Flick Pick: Shailene Shines in Otherwise Adolescent Divergent

Wednesday, March 19, 2014 at 1:00 pm

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At the heart of Divergent is an extremely adolescent metaphor, one that may seem deep to its target audience, but less so to those of us for whom the teenage years are but a nasty memory. In this world of the future, children of a certain age must choose to be in one of five major factions: Dauntless (the jocks), Amity (hippie-dippy farmers who love everyone, so basically the stoners), Abnegation (willing servants, the wallflowers), Candor (brutally honest, the student council types), and Erudite (honor students). Once you choose, you are defined as that thing forever, but every once in a while, somebody comes along that is just so special, such a deep thinker, that s/he simply cannot be, like, a conformist, man! His/her mind "goes in a million different directions"! This person is a Divergent, and a grave threat to the established order. Also, the immediate surroundings (Chicago, in this case) are the entire world. Nothing exists outside of it.

The future is high school. And nobody grew up. If Twilight, as has been theorized, is the fat girl imagining what it would be like to be romantically pursued by the hunk, Divergent is the hot girl wanting people to characterize her by more than one trait.

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