An 8th Grader Turns His Math Homework Into Star Wars

Wednesday, October 1, 2014 at 5:30 pm

Reader Bob S. writes in: "My son's homework was to make an algebraic expression into a word problem...this is the end result with zero input from me."

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That the 13 year-old kid knows his Shadows of the Empire references is what impresses me the most.

Twilight to be Revived...by the Aptly Named Mr. Burns

Wednesday, October 1, 2014 at 4:00 pm

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Yes, the vice-chairman of Lionsgate is named Mr. Burns. And he is just as nefarious as his alter-ego, having greenlit five Twilight short films that will be debuting on...Facebook.

"This is the just the beginning -- a template, if you will," Mr. Burns added. "You can probably guess what might be coming next."
I sure can. You'll twiddle your fingers and go "Ehhhhhxcellent." Then you'll block out the sun.

Smithers will enjoy seeing more of Edward Cullen, though, I'm sure.

I Saw Some of Ridley Scott's Exodus, and You Didn't Miss Much

Wednesday, October 1, 2014 at 12:29 pm

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We've got the new trailer for it below, so you can just skip ahead if you don't want any spoilers on the Moses story everybody in Judeo-Christendom pretty much knows backwards and forwards. But yesterday, I got to see quite a bit more, including scenes from throughout the entire film.

I'm not exactly on the edge of my seat waiting for the rest...

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EXCLUSIVE: Talking Stop-Motion and Story With The BoxTrolls Directors

Friday, September 26, 2014 at 2:55 pm

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That's Graham Annable on the left, and Anthony Stacchi on the right. Together, they've brought you The BoxTrolls, a slightly edgy stop-motion family film that keeps Laika animation three-for-three when it comes to quality (okay, Elle Fanning's English accent is a little weak, but that's it). Set on a strange, crooked mountain town where the elite merely wish to eat cheese all day, it focuses on the strange creatures who hide in boxes and underground and who have - as the film starts - been unjustly accused of kidnapping children (in fact, they've adopted one who needed their help). Their shy nature and unique language keeps them from speaking up for themselves, however and the prospect of capturing them gives some evil opportunists ideas about reward money and class mobility.

The directors were most enthused to speak to me about how they did it...

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I READ YOUR FANFIC! "Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles" by proudhousewife

Friday, September 26, 2014 at 11:30 am

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If you want to submit fan fiction for me to read, please send it - or a link to it - to toplessrobot-at-gmail-dot-com with subject line "Read my Fanfic!"

This week, because of the immense popularity of the Harry Potter rewrite that's allegedly by a Christian mother, we take a break from the Optimus Prime statutory rape saga to bring you some Holy Hogwarts. Despite my wife's highly vocal objections, which you'll hear.

Title: "Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles" by proudhousewife

Logline: Harry Potter finds Jesus thanks to redneck Hagrid, and goes to prayer school.

Acts Involved: Prayer, rejection of the pagan celebration of birthdays, gay characters choosing not to be and getting married.

Participants: Harry Potter, Hagrid, the Dursleys, Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall, Jesus Christ, God.

The Live Reading/Performance...

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Here's Christopher Walken as Captain Hook

Wednesday, September 24, 2014 at 1:33 pm

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I wasn't paying much attention to the production of NBC's Peter Pan Live!, because honestly, why the fuck would anybody do such a thing?

Why, indeed.

Dammit! They had to go and cast Christopher Walken, and make him look like a plastic surgery nightmare. DAMN YOU NBC! Now I have to pay it some attention, and desperately hope everything else about it won't be terrible, even though it probably will be.

Were you expecting a more mature, reasoned assessment from me? NO! I WON'T GROW UP! Appropriate, right?

Image via Neil Meron

A Look at the Children's Book the Satanic Temple Can Now Legally Hand out in Florida Schools

Tuesday, September 16, 2014 at 2:30 pm

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Due to a recent lawsuit to allow equal access to all religions into the public schools of Orange County, Florida, the Satanic Temple will now be handing out The Satanic Children's Big Book of Activities, among other materials.

I wrote to the Temple's publicist and asked if we could have a look. We can indeed. After doing so, I'm convinced the devil may indeed have the best sense of humor...

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First Full Hunger Games: Mockingjay Trailer Is All 'Splosiony

Monday, September 15, 2014 at 3:51 pm

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Well okay. They're not stuck in a damn arena again with hybrid baboon-dogs or whatever. I know pretty much everyone says this is the worst book, but at least onscreen the action will be large scale...unless this trailer is lying to me, like the first Catching Fire one that made me think it was all going to be about a victory tour.

Sadly, when Donald Sutherland gets all creepy about how "the things we love most end up destroying us," the first thing that comes to mind is heroin. RIP PSH.

And was that Elizabeth Banks with no makeup?

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I READ YOUR FANFIC! "The Quest for the Holey Grail Part 3" by KingAurthr2

Friday, September 5, 2014 at 8:00 am

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If you want to submit fan fiction for me to read, please send it - or a link to it - to toplessrobot-at-gmail-dot-com with subject line "Read my Fanfic!"

This is it. The final installment of the adventures of Gandalg, Argaron, Scoody-boo, Hairy Poter, Dcoctor Who, Indian Jones and Professor Snake as they take on the Drak forces of Voldemore, Sauraon, the Man Made of Blod and more.

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So, How Will the King David Side-Scrolling Game Feature Interactive Adultery?

Tuesday, September 2, 2014 at 1:44 pm

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Seems like a fair question if the plan is to base games on every single book of the Bible - at some point you're going to have to turn some of the more unsavory, sinful stuff into interactive levels. Coming from "the twins who trained 40,000 game developers" (did they train them well? That's left unsaid), this Kickstarter-funded game based on David is seeking a mere $35,000. And yet the pitch is almost completely secular (save a couple of faith-based endorsements), based on the notion that the Bible is simply a popular book. And none of the "episodes" mentions Uriah...

(Atlas Shrugged is also a popular book, but that didn't make the movies that have been based on it a good financial idea.)

I honestly wonder if the Tornado Twins have actually sat down and read the Bible cover-to-cover, because some of those books will be tough to turn into popular playable adventures. I'm looking at you, Deuteronomy.

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