I READ YOUR FANFIC! "Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles" Part 2 by proudhousewife

Friday, October 3, 2014 at 1:00 pm

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If you want to submit fan fiction for me to read, please send it - or a link to it - to toplessrobot-at-gmail-dot-com with subject line "Read my Fanfic!"

I now definitely think this fanfic is trolling. But it's not like I'd read it any differently if it weren't.

Title: "Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles" by proudhousewife

Logline: Harry Potter finds Jesus thanks to redneck Hagrid, and goes to prayer school. In this telling, Hogwarts is in the American South, and Hermione is Dumbledore's daughter, proving he's not gay.

Acts Involved: Prayer, prayer and more prayer for really frivolous stuff. Plus much talk of penises and masturbation...by my cameraman, not the fanfic itself.

Participants: Harry Potter, Hagrid, Hermione, Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall, Jesus Christ, God.

The Live Reading/Performance...

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TR Review: Left Behind's a Sermon Without Substance

Friday, October 3, 2014 at 12:00 pm

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Recent ads for the new Left Behind movie - about the Rapture and End Times - featured a quote attributed to Satan, exhorting people not to take nonbelievers to see it. If it weren't already plain, this made Left Behind's intent clear - it isn't meant as a fun film for faith-based families to enjoy, but rather a stealth evangelizing tool, aimed at...who? Fans of Nicolas Cage movies? Because speaking for myself as one of those, I can say we're pretty far gone when it comes to knowing good from evil.

That said, it's a much better film many times over than the 2000 version with Kirk Cameron...which is to say it's still a slightly below-average movie. It's a lot more subtle in its message - the Cameron version preached non-stop and in detail, while this new one only offers a vague message that believing in the Christian God is a good idea (a very kind, devout and peaceful Muslim character who prays to Allah is quite pointedly among those left behind, which is about as political as things get). The idea here, perhaps, is that it starts conversations about faith rather than bludgeoning you with an argument you aren't permitted to challenge.

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CGI Martians Invade Actual WWI Footage in The Great Martian War

Thursday, October 2, 2014 at 5:45 pm

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According to Wikipedia, this ran on BBC America this summer, but if so I certainly missed it. Canadian-made for the UK History Channel, it's a mock-doc about the World War we had with invaders from Mars back in 1913.

Let's skip straight to the sizzle-reel, shall we? A montage of the doctored archival footage set to completely anachronistic techno music makes about as much sense as the rest of it...

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An 8th Grader Turns His Math Homework Into Star Wars

Wednesday, October 1, 2014 at 5:30 pm

Reader Bob S. writes in: "My son's homework was to make an algebraic expression into a word problem...this is the end result with zero input from me."

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That the 13 year-old kid knows his Shadows of the Empire references is what impresses me the most.

Twilight to be Revived...by the Aptly Named Mr. Burns

Wednesday, October 1, 2014 at 4:00 pm

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Yes, the vice-chairman of Lionsgate is named Mr. Burns. And he is just as nefarious as his alter-ego, having greenlit five Twilight short films that will be debuting on...Facebook.

"This is the just the beginning -- a template, if you will," Mr. Burns added. "You can probably guess what might be coming next."
I sure can. You'll twiddle your fingers and go "Ehhhhhxcellent." Then you'll block out the sun.

Smithers will enjoy seeing more of Edward Cullen, though, I'm sure.

I Saw Some of Ridley Scott's Exodus, and You Didn't Miss Much

Wednesday, October 1, 2014 at 12:29 pm

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We've got the new trailer for it below, so you can just skip ahead if you don't want any spoilers on the Moses story everybody in Judeo-Christendom pretty much knows backwards and forwards. But yesterday, I got to see quite a bit more, including scenes from throughout the entire film.

I'm not exactly on the edge of my seat waiting for the rest...

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EXCLUSIVE: Talking Stop-Motion and Story With The BoxTrolls Directors

Friday, September 26, 2014 at 2:55 pm

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That's Graham Annable on the left, and Anthony Stacchi on the right. Together, they've brought you The BoxTrolls, a slightly edgy stop-motion family film that keeps Laika animation three-for-three when it comes to quality (okay, Elle Fanning's English accent is a little weak, but that's it). Set on a strange, crooked mountain town where the elite merely wish to eat cheese all day, it focuses on the strange creatures who hide in boxes and underground and who have - as the film starts - been unjustly accused of kidnapping children (in fact, they've adopted one who needed their help). Their shy nature and unique language keeps them from speaking up for themselves, however and the prospect of capturing them gives some evil opportunists ideas about reward money and class mobility.

The directors were most enthused to speak to me about how they did it...

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I READ YOUR FANFIC! "Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles" by proudhousewife

Friday, September 26, 2014 at 11:30 am

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If you want to submit fan fiction for me to read, please send it - or a link to it - to toplessrobot-at-gmail-dot-com with subject line "Read my Fanfic!"

This week, because of the immense popularity of the Harry Potter rewrite that's allegedly by a Christian mother, we take a break from the Optimus Prime statutory rape saga to bring you some Holy Hogwarts. Despite my wife's highly vocal objections, which you'll hear.

Title: "Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles" by proudhousewife

Logline: Harry Potter finds Jesus thanks to redneck Hagrid, and goes to prayer school.

Acts Involved: Prayer, rejection of the pagan celebration of birthdays, gay characters choosing not to be and getting married.

Participants: Harry Potter, Hagrid, the Dursleys, Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall, Jesus Christ, God.

The Live Reading/Performance...

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Here's Christopher Walken as Captain Hook

Wednesday, September 24, 2014 at 1:33 pm

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I wasn't paying much attention to the production of NBC's Peter Pan Live!, because honestly, why the fuck would anybody do such a thing?

Why, indeed.

Dammit! They had to go and cast Christopher Walken, and make him look like a plastic surgery nightmare. DAMN YOU NBC! Now I have to pay it some attention, and desperately hope everything else about it won't be terrible, even though it probably will be.

Were you expecting a more mature, reasoned assessment from me? NO! I WON'T GROW UP! Appropriate, right?

Image via Neil Meron

A Look at the Children's Book the Satanic Temple Can Now Legally Hand out in Florida Schools

Tuesday, September 16, 2014 at 2:30 pm

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Due to a recent lawsuit to allow equal access to all religions into the public schools of Orange County, Florida, the Satanic Temple will now be handing out The Satanic Children's Big Book of Activities, among other materials.

I wrote to the Temple's publicist and asked if we could have a look. We can indeed. After doing so, I'm convinced the devil may indeed have the best sense of humor...

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