Gentlegeeks, Star Your Fanfics: J.K. Rowling Officially Describes Harry Potter, Age 34

Tuesday, July 8, 2014 at 4:00 pm


The Pottermore website for Harry Potter fans has actually been steadily cranking out a series of satirical articles about the Quidditch World Cup, mirroring the real one and supposedly written by Ginny Potter, who, we can safely assume, is now a reporter for the Daily Prophet.

It's just the latest one - also reprinted at for non-Pottermore members - that has caught mainstream attention, because it includes a grown-up Harry and friends finally showing up, to support their old rival Victor Krum. Written by catty gossip Rita Skeeter, it gives us our first canonical look at how the Boy Who Lived is becoming the Man Approaching Middle Age...

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Asterix Finally, Inevitably Gets a 3D CG Movie

Wednesday, July 2, 2014 at 5:30 pm


When you grow up in Europe as I did, Asterix and Tintin graphic novels are an inevitable part of the fabric of your youth, to the point that the realization they aren't over here was quite a surprise. Tintin perhaps more so than Asterix, as it's set in a more-or-less "real" world, and of course it's the one that got a Spielberg film. Asterix, which depends more on punny names and a basic working knowledge of the history surrounding Julius Caesar, has been filmed many times but none have made it to the U.S., so I have no idea if casting Gerard Depardieu as Obelix was a good idea in live-action. My inclination, however, is to say that Asterix was never meant for live-action, and I'm glad to see that the folks with the movie rights are taking it back to a style that resembles the comics now.

For those who don't know, the premise of Asterix is that in 55 BC, the Roman Empire has conquered all of France except for one tiny village that holds out due to the locals having a magic potion that gives them super strength. Wise-yet-small Asterix and big, dumb Obelix lead the charge, fist-fighting their way through fully armed Roman legions on a regular basis.

The teaser below, which is in French, won't tell you any of that, but it seems to me to capture the tone fairly well...

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Cool Book Alert: Jeffrey Brown's Goodnight Darth Vader

Monday, June 23, 2014 at 8:30 pm

If you're a longtime Topless Robot reader, you'll probably well aware that I am a huge fan of the work of Jeffrey Brown. From his painfully honest autobiographical works like Clumsy and Every Girl Is the End of the World for Me through to the bitingly accurate Transformers parody The Incredible Change Bots, Brown established himself as a true comic original over the course of the past decade. Then something unexpected happened. In 2012, Jeffrey Brown released Darth Vader and Son, an officially sanctioned Lucasfilm release that was the perfect forum for Brown to hone the fusion of pathos, humor and an affinity for pop culture that has become his trademark. The book was a huge success, and was swiftly followed by last year's Leia-centric follow-up Vader's Little Princess. July 22nd sees the arrival of Goodnight Darth Vader, Brown's Star Wars-ified take on the kid lit classic Goodnight Moon on Chronicle Books. Judging by the above teaser, it appears to be shaping up to be another absurdly cute effort that will warm the heart of even the most jaded Star Wars fan (i.e. me). I look forward to checking it out and seeing what nighty night rituals are like in a galaxy far, far away.

Game of Thrones Season Finale SPOILER Thread

Monday, June 16, 2014 at 8:00 am


Time for those who haven't read the books to start speculating what'll come next - and those who have, not to reveal that much.

But last night's events? Fair game. Let's hear it.

Paddington Bear Licks Earwax, Sticks Head in Toilet in New Trailer

Friday, June 13, 2014 at 10:00 am


I'm sorry, but does every childhood book character have to be made gross for movies? Will the next Pinocchio film, whenever it happens, be all about him lying so that picking his nose is easier?

I'm not fond of this trend. But it may at least provide more fodder for the Creepy Paddington meme that has cropped up lately.

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Game of Thrones SPOILER Thread - We Don't Need No Thought Control

Monday, June 9, 2014 at 11:00 am


Hey! Martin! Leave Jon Snow alone!

All in all it's just a...nother fight by the wall.

(as always, TV spoilers only)

Mountains of Madness Movie: Dead to del Toro, Alive on Kickstarter!

Wednesday, June 4, 2014 at 5:30 pm


One of the great near-misses of cinematic geekdom, along with Jodorowsky's Dune, is Guillermo del Toro's H.P. Lovecraft's At the Mountains of Madness, which ultimately got nixed because even with Tom Cruise attached, the studio didn't think the budget could be justified on an R-rated film (the same reason Gore Verbinski's Bioshock never happened).

But an independent, animated version? Totally doable. No big names on this one, but with the aid of top casting directors and your donations, they expect to have a top-notch pitch that will secure full funding for a relatively cheap $2.5 million cartoon feature aimed at perverts older consumers.

So that's the catch - you could donate, this could hit its goals, and the pitch might never be picked up. But considering how nicely nerd-specific their video aimed at would-be donors is, I think there's a solid chance...

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TR Review: Tom Cruise's Life Is a Hard NES Game in Edge of Tomorrow

Tuesday, June 3, 2014 at 1:30 pm

trailer screencap by

Dear fictional military leaders of future wars,

In real life, most of the military guys I know read or have read sci-fi novels. Classics you may have heard of, like Starship Troopers or Ender's Game (there were also movie versions that you'd likely know about if you truly resembled real human beings). There's a popular concept in many of these books that you might want to consider if aliens actually invade your fictional future world. It involves the fact that if all the aliens look basically the same and act as one, it's because they are a collective. Fuck, all you'd have to see is the movie Aliens to imagine that aliens might have a queen. At the very least, it should not come as a mind-blowing shock that you never considered, until an unlikely hero explains it to you with the caveat that you're going to find it hard to believe.

[Readers, this is really a pretty minor spoiler, as they go. Don't freak out. You, unlike fictional General Mad-Eye Moody in Edge of Tomorrow, are well aware of the canon and will see that part coming.]

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New Dwayne Johnson Hercules Trailer Does Not Rock My World

Tuesday, June 3, 2014 at 9:34 am


Maybe one day we can get a movie about the son of Zeus that's accurate to the Greek mythology - which would start by calling him Herakles, include his possible gay relationships, and end with him dying from a vest soaked in hydra's blood.

This is not that day. But if you were hoping for an updated version of the Lou Ferrigno movies with better special effects, and Brett Ratner doing a Stephen Sommers impersonation as've come to the right place.

I guess I have to just embrace the cheese...again.

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Arnold Lobel's Frog and Toad Are Friends With Batman and Joker

Monday, June 2, 2014 at 5:45 pm


If you're anywhere close to my age, you probably grew up with the Frog and Toad books, and may now be reading them again to your own children - it was through them that I first remember encountering the subject of "will power," something that held me in good stead for many years of being dateless.

I assume Harry Bauer is close to my age, as, in reading these books to his son, he added in Batman and the Joker (and has even drawn them on top of the original pictures) along with his best impersonations of Mark Hamill and Kevin Conroy. It's not exactly Bat-canon, but, well...if you'll excuse me, I think something's in my eye.

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