The 14 Nerdy Things We Most Look Forward to in 2015

Thursday, January 22, 2015 at 4:00 am

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2014 ended three weeks ago, but our wrap-ups of 2014's best and worst ended yesterday. It's fair to say we consumed a lot of entertainment, enjoyed many things and had almost as much fun vocally destroying the things we didn't like so much. And as I hope was evident, not every Topless Robot contributor had the same ideas about what those things were.

Which is why, as we look to the year ahead, I've gathered together as many of our regular contributors as possible for this list, in which they all describe what they're geeked out about for 2015. From board games to RPGs, action figures to adaptations - and in one case, even the rumors we long to hear - it's a varied, insightful and excitable sneak peek.

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"My Logo on a Bootleg My Little Pony Giant Inflatable Sex Doll, You Say?"

Wednesday, January 21, 2015 at 12:30 pm

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Hongyi Toys

If we're suppressing our gag reflex long enough to think critically, this "Inflatable Pony Sexy Girl" isn't really a great sex toy. It's one piece and thus does not have the usual orifices.

Not that such a minor complication saved poor Rainbow Dash in the jar, mind you.

But while every other outlet reporting on this unusual (you wish) item is mostly feigning shock, my eye was caught by a very particular product detail:

We can add your logo, slogan or other message
Where, dear readers, would you suggest placement of the logo should be?

No, I'm not getting a TR blow-up pony. It's...um...strictly hypothetical. Yep.

h/t Anyone00 in the weekend thread.

First-Ever ROXY ROCKET Batman Animated Figure Is Coming

Wednesday, January 21, 2015 at 9:30 am

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I saw an image of this shared on twitter yesterday and figured it had to be a custom. No way Roxy Rocket was actually getting a figure, right? Especially at a higher-end price that included a vehicle?

Wrong be me. She's the first deluxe figure in DC Collectibles' 6"-scale animated line, clocking in at $39.95 suggested retail with a rocket that features working lights. The star of what Bruce Timm considered one of the most risque episodes of the animated series ever (it's likely no coincidence that when she made the leap to non-animated continuity, DC jacked up her cleavage quite a bit just because they could), this thrill-seeking stunt aviatrix is an archetype that probably does have more appeal to older collectors than kiddies.

Girls like that at least in this incarnation, she doesn't wear a cheesy, revealing outfit; boys like that she's riding a giant metal phallus half the time (her description boasts, in all caps, "ROCKET MEASURES 12.25" LONG"). Steampunkers and retro-aviation fans of all stripes probably just lost their collective shit.


So Many Ironies: Triple H Voices the Hulk in Botched Marvel Touring Experience Hated by Fans

Tuesday, January 20, 2015 at 3:30 pm

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WWE's Triple H was once rumored to play Thor. He has repeatedly fought a guy named Hulk. His most famous ex-girlfriend Chyna played She-Hulk in a porno. And now he gets to voice the Incredible Hulk - in the Marvel Experience interactive touring attraction (not be confused with the live touring stunt show Marvel Universe LIVE!).

You might think to yourself, why hire a guy who is hated by fans for being clueless to his viewers' desires and arrogant enough to assume we want to see far more of him than we actually do? Well, it's revealed as a pretty perfect match once you read the Yelp reviews of the show...

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"Hello. My Name Is Papa Smurf. You Killed My Franchise. Prepare to Die."

Friday, January 16, 2015 at 3:48 pm

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First, the terrible news: there's going to be a Smurfs movie reboot, and Mandy Patinkin will inherit the role of Papa Smurf from the late Jonathan Winters.

Here's the less terrible news: Raja Gosnell is not going to be directing, the movie will be completely animated this time, and is purported to be closer to the original Peyo comics. I hesitate to say we could actually get a good Smurfs movie...but we might get one without Guitar Hero references, or Neil Patrick Harris managing the unlikely feat of making us all hate him.

"Snoppen och Snippan": The Swedish Cartoon Genitals Song, for Kids

Friday, January 16, 2015 at 6:30 am

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As part of a children's show about health and the body, this Swedish music video depicts anthropomorphic penises and vaginas being friends - especially one old woman vagina who seems particularly happy.

The lyrics (which sound much, much better in Swedish) include lines such as "Here comes the penis at full pace", and "the vagina is cool, you better believe it, even on an old lady. It just sits there so elegantly".
And it seems that "snoppen and "snippan" are the Swedish words for the naughty bits, which could lead to a whole lot of misunderstandings - guys, suffice it to say that if a Swedish woman ever grabs your junk and says "Snoppen, snippan," she is probably wanting something good, and not necessarily planning to castrate you. Swedish dudes, vice versa - if an American woman says that to you, run the other way as fast as you can.

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The Lego Movie Is a Victim of Our Blinkered, Dumbass Disney Prejudice in Animation

Thursday, January 15, 2015 at 2:00 pm

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Philip Lord

Lego Movie codirector Phil Lord's response to the Oscar snub for Best Animated Film was perfect: he Tweeted the above image with the caption "It's okay. Made my own!"

My first reaction was to argue with colleagues of mine to whom I had to reiterate my many arguments about how the live-action scenes were integral to the theme, the characters were more feminist in realization than in so many other movies, and why it was just generally brilliant in every way.

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Mezco Will Have New Thundercats Toys at Toy Fair 2015

Wednesday, January 14, 2015 at 6:07 pm

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Thundercats.org

Mezco has confirmed with our friends at ThunderCats.org that they will indeed be showing new ThunderCats in New York in a few weeks. The question is what scale. Since they won't confirm any further details at this time, the obvious guess would be another of the 18-inch Mega-Scale figures, a line which still needs Tygra to round out the core members.

ThunderCats.org optimistically speculates that the new 1:12 premium format line featuring Batman and Judge Dredd could get a 'Cat or two, but that strikes me as unduly hopeful for now. Would you pay $60 for a Lion-O with cloth shorts?

Unlicensed Frozen Game Has You Deliver Anna's Baby by Caesarean

Wednesday, January 14, 2015 at 12:00 pm

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Do you wanna birth a baby?
Cut me, you've got a knife
You gotta freeze my belly first
This game's the worst
Its maker fails at life
You thought you were a gamer
Reconsider
This thing makes me wanna die
Really wanna birth a baby?
Slice me open for the baby!

Go away, game!

h/t The Mary Sue


Billy Dee, Billy Dee! The Real Lando Will Be on Star Wars Rebels

Monday, January 12, 2015 at 11:05 am

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Hell-lo, what have we here?

Let's face it: it wouldn't be a Star Wars-related show if it didn't try to find as many ways as possible to sandwich in familiar cameos. Because in the Star Wars universe, as we know, EVERYTHING that happens in the entirety of space centers around maybe ten different characters, tops.

Rebels takes place approximately seven years before The Empire Strikes Back, and Billy Dee Williams was in his young-looking forties then, so the timeline is totally plausible. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately - from a certain point of view - this also means pretty much any original trilogy character is fair game for gratuitous future appearances too.

I am always happy to see Lando, who used to be one of my favorite characters, and I've enjoyed the fact that Williams, like Anthony Daniels, has been game for anything involving his signature character, Mr. Calrissian, from the as-yet unaired Detours to The Lego Movie. But if we could NOT have Han Solo show up, that be great, thanks.

via Superherohype; screenshot by "Blue Leader")