Fan Fiction Friday: Balto in "The Hero, The Legend, The Rapist"

Friday, June 1, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I don't know how many of you actually remember the 1995 animated movie Balto, ostensibly a true story about a dog that helped save an Alaska town from a diphtheria outbreak in 1925. You don't really need to know anything about Balto in order to be truly horrified by this tale from author countrydog20101 (and sent in by Nick P.), other than it's exactly what you think a 1995 animated movie about a heroic dog would be, and also that Kevin Bacon voiced Balto. Shall we?

It has been several months after balto saved the town of Nome from the diphtheria crisis. With Jenna pregnant, he was left without any sex from her for the next 9 weeks. he knew he wouldn't be getting any from her anytime soon, so he decided to another way to satisfy his sexual urges. He was still very horny, and longed to shove his big long dogmeat into someone.

He decided to take a walk into town, as he tried to shrug of the ugre to plow himself into the first bitch he saw. He walking along when suddenly, he tripped over something, falling face first into the cold, wet snow . He turned to see that it was book buried under the white and substance. He was to pick it up, but as he did, as dark aura surround the strange book. There was a quick and instantaneous flash of light, that obstructed his vision momentarily. When he was able to see again, he saw a beautiful panther demon. She layed there in the snow, bound in chains, and vulnerable.

Oh lord. Has there ever been a decent story which included the phrase "beautiful panther demon"? I submit to you there has not. Unfortunately, the "beautiful panther demon" doesn't crack the top five problems of this story, as you'll see if you're fool enough to hit the jump.

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Weep for the Mega Man Cartoon That Might Have Been

Tuesday, May 29, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Surely most of us remember the awesome opening to the incredibly non-awesome Mega Man cartoon. It was an amazing piece of animation -- and a bitter lie to anyone who made the mistake of the watching the Mega Man cartoon proper, which looked like it was animated by one-armed drunks in some kind of Thai prison. Well, now the opening is even more awesome, as someone decided to recreate it in true 8-bit fashion. The results are fantastic... if a little depressing. Because seriously, if one of the dudes working on the Mega Man cartoon had just decided to film himself playing the NES games, the show would have been so much better. Thanks to SlyDante for the tip. (Via Destructoid)

The 10 Worst Episodes of Transformers

Friday, May 25, 2012 at 8:05 am
Transformers was one of those cartoon series with a general plot that was so simplistic yet original that you could kick yourself for never coming up with such a lucrative idea on your own. And because of this unexpected marriage between cosmic civil war and robots that transform into vehicles, the minds behind the show's creation saw dollar signs in their eyes for every one of the 98 episodes -- they really couldn't end the series at an impressive 100 episodes? -- that aired from 1984 to 1987; not including the 1986 movie that pretty much let the executives of Hasbro and Sunbow Productions buy party yachts. But with so many episodes and a movie having been produced within such a short span of time, it is safe to say that quantity over quality was definitely the mantra for the companies pulling the puppet strings behind the cartoon (which isn't to say that every episode was terrible, there were some really memorable ones). Some awful episodes were more tolerable than others, but which truly horrendous ones stand out from the rest? Find out in 10 of the worst episodes of Transformers! It goes without saying that Daniel and Wheelie make appearances on this list, yes? More >>

Star Wars, Starring Batman, Bender, Ren and Stimpy, Pinky, Bubbles, and More

Thursday, May 24, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Once upon a time, Star Wars: A New Hope was done as a radio play starring Mark Hamill. It was pretty good. It wasn't as good as this, as a video of famed voice actors Billy West, Tara Strong, Maurice LaMarche, John DiMaggio, Kevin Conroy, Jess Harnell and Rob Paulsen redoing the goddamn movie as their most famous characters. You're going to think that Kevin fucking Conroy narrating the movie will be the best, but then Bubbles starts in as Darth Vader and then Jake from Adventure Time is Princess Leia, and OH MY GOD THIS IS THE BEST DAMN THING EVER INFINITE THINGS TO THE CHU FOR THE TIP

Chip n' Dale's Rescue Rock

Thursday, May 24, 2012 at 9:02 am

If -- or rather, when -- the Chip n' Dale's Rescue Rangers theme gets stuck in your head for the rest of the day, you can blame The Human Tim. If it's any comfort, the Divine Gadget approves of your anguish. Thanks to Mike B. for the tip.

Oh @#$%, DC Is Animating Dark Knight Returns

Wednesday, May 23, 2012 at 11:21 am
I'll be damned. Apparently DC's next straight-to-DVD animated project after Flashpoint will be Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns. And the one after that, too -- because DC will be releasing it as two movies. And other than the news that Peter Weller -- Buckaroo "Robocop" Banzai himself -- will be voicing Batman, that's about all we got.

I'm kind of shocked, but I don't really know why. After Wonder Woman and other non-Batman/Superman movies failed to sell (sigh), DC has been focusing on their hits, and about the only thing bigger than DKR is Watchmen. Hell, I'm interested in seeing it, even though I know at best it'll be like the animated All-Star Superman -- a decent retelling of a story that was told much better as a comic. It was made in a time 1) before all comics had gotten all dark n' gritty, and 2) when Frank Miller was both insane and relevant, and you can't recapture a setting like that (which is the same problem with Watchmen, frankly). I wish DC had the balls to animated All-Star Batman and Robin. If there was ever a comic begging to be animated it's the one where Batman calls Robin a retard, fucks Black Canary on a filthy dock and runs around laughing insanely because it's so fucking awesome being Batman. (Via The Hollywood Reporter)

Oh, So That's Why Omega Supreme Is Called Omega Supreme

Wednesday, May 23, 2012 at 9:04 am

Remember that time when Duke, Scarlett and Snake Eyes accidentally wandered into the middle of a battle between the Autobots and the Destructicons? And then the Dinobots stopped by? No? Well, that's probably because you haven't seen this new video from Dr. Smoov yet, which chronicles this very thing. It's not exactly ILM level, but then the models and animation was all done by one dude. Meanwhile, I couldn't even photoshop all these characters into a single image, so I'm totally impressed.

The Eye of the Toonami

Tuesday, May 22, 2012 at 10:36 am
The best news I missed during my leave of absence was, of course, the return of Toonami to Cartoon Network this Saturday. But now there's actually some info: The schedule, courtesy of Anime News Network, will be:

12:00 a.m. - Bleach
12:30 a.m. - Deadman Wonderland
1:00 a.m. - Casshern Sins
1:30 a.m. - Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood
2:00 a.m. - Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex 2nd GIG
2:30 a.m. - Cowboy Bebop

Deadman Wonderland and Casshern Sins are both North American TV premieres, and the rest are things that have been running on Adult Swim for years now. Speaking of, I didn't realize that the new Toonami would be an Adult Swim block. Actually, it's just Adult Swim's normal, anime-laden Saturday nights, but with Toonami bumpers. Which is great -- I mean, a little Toonami is definitely better than no Toonami -- but I was hoping we'd get an after-school shonen block like in the good ol' days. Really, I think I was just hoping for Gundam Wing to re-air. Oh well. 

The Walking Dead Season 3 Is a Penis or Something

Tuesday, May 22, 2012 at 9:47 am
I was all set to show this behind-the-scenes look at the season 3 premiere of The Walking Dead mostly because it showed some interiors of the prison (no Michonne or the Governor, though) and given how much the show picked up in the last half of season 2, I'm really looking forward to season 3. But then Andrew Lincoln, who plays Rick Grimes, started talking about how season 3 will be "darker, harder, faster, deeper," and now I'm... perplexed. "Season 3 doesn't cuddle," I imagine Lincoln continuing. "It doesn't make love to us, it just fucks us. It's a fully erect, engorged season. You look at it and you don't know how the season will possibly fit inside you, but it does. And when the season leaves, you feel so empty -- until the season comes all over your back. Am I being clear here?" (Via Nerd Bastards)

Marvel Superheroes in "One More (Bad) Day"

Tuesday, May 15, 2012 at 5:00 pm

All right, admittedly, this short cart0on by Junaid Chundrigar doesn't represent any part of any actual  Marvel continuity -- it just shows the Marvel hereos at their most hapless instead of heroic. That said, I have decided on my own that this cartoon now represents the official future of the Marvel-616 universe. When the earth dies, it will be because a pudgy, listless Galactus floated by, and Earth orbited directly into his gaping maw. Hey, it makes more sense than Earth-X. (Via The Mary Sue)