You Must Be This Evil to Purchase This Lightsaber

Tuesday, August 7, 2012 at 8:57 am

First there was Droids... then there was Troops. Now, the folks at The Warp Zone bring you Vendors, the adventures of a couple of retailers in the Star Wars universe. The first episode details the problems a Sith can have when attempting to purchase a lightsaber... or when trying to commit acts of heinous evil, for that matter. Evil is hard work, you know. You can't just wake up in the morning and expect to acts of horror and atrocity to just come along. You have to work at it. 

Ultimate Spider-Man's Gonna Make You Watch It Whether You Want to or Not

Monday, August 6, 2012 at 4:07 pm
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It goes without saying that Ultimate Spider-Man is a terrible cartoon. I mean, just look at the picture above. WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN GOING ON. I don't want to know. Anyways, a few weeks ago I gave Ultimate Spidey a modicum of respect for briefly turning into Peter Porker, the Spectacular Spider-Ham. That's pretty awesome, and I felt it should be recognized, even if it didn't quite get me to actually watch the damn show. But this upcoming weekend's episode... fuck. Here's the official synopsis:
"Damage" - When Spider-Man and his fellow teenage super heroes cause too much damage in a super villain fight, Nick Fury assigns them to work with the super clean up company, Damage Control, but Spidey's clean up duty uncovers a villainous mystery.
Damage. Fucking. Control. Animated. In a Sunday morning Marvel cartoon. ...I don't even know how to process this. It's like Jeph Loeb has been trying to make me eat this shit sandwich for months, and now he's telling me if I eat it, Kate Upton will give me a full body massage, too. It's still shit... but it's also Kate Upton. Is it too much to ask that Kate Upton give me a full body massage while I watch Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes? Yes, I guess it absolutely is. Thanks to Kenny h. for the tip.

FFF Special: A Salute to TR's Erotic Fan Fic Laureate, Dr. Abraxas

Friday, August 3, 2012 at 2:29 pm
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As I mentioned a few weeks ago, Dr. Abraxas -- the terrifying yet lovable fan fic writer who's been with TR ever since I featured his massive and far too detailed Breeding Manual for Snarves, The Esnovelotoris Amateuris, has decided to put down his erotic fan fic-writing pen. Now I've avoided featuring his stories on FFF since he's joined us, as it just didn't seem right. If you remember some of he guys who used to make bad movies on purpose, just to get them featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000, you may know what I'm talking about. Not that Abraxas' tales weren't perverted and terrifying, but by getting to know him -- he's also perverted and terrifying, for the record -- but they were just too difficult for me to make fun of, knowing that his stories may have been written with a TR audience in mind.

That said, I couldn't let this momentous event pass without some kind of celebration of the person most responsible for making everyone believe I have a hard-on for Joss Whedon (sigh). And the best way to do that, I thought, was to feature not one, but two of his most wretched stories. Consider it a going away party, a roast, or whatever -- but make yourself a stiff drink all the same. And please note that the image above has nothing specifically to do with our Abraxas, other than it came up when I did a Google Image Search for "abraxas" and I found it too hilarious not to use. 

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The 10 Worst Cartoons Spawned By Videogames

Thursday, August 2, 2012 at 8:02 am
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The 1980s was a golden age of videogames, with the advent of the video arcade, the rise (and fall, and subsequent rise again) of the home gaming market, and the beginnings of videogames being accepted into the popular culture. This was also the era of Star Wars, and its behemoth marketing campaign that essentially made it common and acceptable practice to sell absolutely anything to children. It wasn't long before the videogame industry realized Lucas had the right idea.

It started off rather innocuously, with things like Pac-Man t-shirts, lunch boxes, plush toys and one-hit wonders. But in a time where arcades were often considered seedy dens of debauchery where delinquents hung out while ditching school; parents weren't likely to allow their children to spend time in their local electric coliseum. With the home gaming market taking off in the early '80s, it wasn't long before the videogame industry targeted youth with what could be considered crack cocaine for '80s kids: Cartoons. With the large amount of cartoons that were produced in the '80s both here and abroad, the quality of some of them was bound to be questionable -- for every The Real Ghostbusters, Centurions or Robotech, you had a Turbo Teen. But when it came to cartoons based on arcade and console classics, it's pretty safe to say that the majority of them were total crap. The following are some of the absolute worst cartoons that originated from videogames. More >>

The Dark Knight Returns, Er... Returns, I Guess

Tuesday, July 31, 2012 at 10:31 am
Did someone say something about the first clip from part one of DC and WB's Dark Knight Returns direct-to-DVD animated movie? No? Oh. Well, this is awkward. Not as awkward as Peter Weller's flat, emotionless line readings as old man Wayne, though. It's not even gruff sounding, just... perfunctory. Like Batman were standing in a recording booth all day and couldn't wait to get out of there to go get shit-faced drunk somewhere. You know, to throw a scenario out there completely at random. (Via MTV Geek)

The 11 Nerdiest References in Regular Show

Tuesday, July 31, 2012 at 8:04 am
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Cartoon Network has devolved from a channel devoted to the cartoons of yesteryear and today to a cesspool of lowbrow and obnoxious programming that even a neanderthal would take as an insult to their intelligence. Still, upon closer inspection -- obviously not too close --- you'll find two gems among the unwatchable turds. Namely Adventure Time and, its very close second and focus of this daily list, Regular Show. Created by J.G. Quintel, Regular Show may seem like any other cartoon with an arbitrary cast of characters and insipid humor when taken at face value, but anyone who watches the show will tell you that kind of sentiment couldn't be any further from the truth. Like Ren & Stimpy and Rocko's Modern Life before it, Regular Show pushes the envelope in respect to the subtle innuendo and bizarre humor that have become a hallmark of the series, sometimes surprising Quintel with how much network censorship overlooks.

But the one quality of Regular Show that has gained the hard-earned admiration from the nerdy masses (the greatest and most sincere kind of admiration given that we're such a discerning bunch) is the series' penchant for making references to nerd culture. Grab a Grilled Cheese Deluxe from Cheezer's, sit back and check out the 11 nerdiest Regular Show references! Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm... More >>

TV News Trifecta: Battle Royale, Dr. Horrible, Beware the Batman

Monday, July 30, 2012 at 3:13 pm
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• The CW is thinking about making a TV series based on Battle Royale, the Japanese books and movie about a class of high school kids tossed on an island and forced to kill each other for reality TV. It's going to be terrible. Just fucking terrible. Seriously, there's no way this is going to end up anything but awful. Thanks to Bruce C. for the tip. (Via LA Times)

• The CW is going to air Dr. Horrible on October 9th too, because The CW thinks airing five-year-old webseries is another brilliant idea. (Via MTV Geek)

• In the wake of the Aurora shooting, WB Animation is changing the guns in the upcoming Beware the Batman cartoon series to be... uh, guns, but like with square barrels instead of round. It's one of those weird, kneejerk things the entertainment industry does after these sorts of tragedies that are completely meaningless, but ultimately benign. I mention it only because Batman is a hero you can pretty much count on not to glorify gun violence, except that Beware the Batman Batman fights crime with a gun-toting Alfred by his side. Changing the shape of the gun barrels is really rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, don't you think? thanks to Dallas P. for the tip. (Via IGN)

Here's 50 Shades of Grayskull to Fulfill Your Fan Fiction Friday Needs

Friday, July 27, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Although you guys are pretty terrific, it's not always easy being the substitute teacher. Especially on Fridays when you were expecting to get down with some FFF nastiness. But just like comedians shouldn't go on stage and take material from their peers, I believe that Fan Fiction Friday is strictly Rob's thing and I would be doing him, this site and myself a disservice by posting some. But Thanks to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, I can present to you something almost as unnerving -- the Masters of the Universe reciting dialogue from 50 Shades of Grey. Try to enjoy it as much as you would the soul-crushing material you usually do around these parts on Friday afternoons.

Marvel's All Winners Squad Assembles...Or Something

Friday, July 27, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Having already featured episodes of the wonderful Japanese Spider-Man series on their website, Marvel.com further ventures into the arena of showcasing interesting online content with All Winners Squad. The Flash-animated web series features characters from the company who never really caught on like Squirrel Girl, the Walrus, Frog, Unicorn and the awesome --and completely underused within the Marvel Universe -- Hypno-Hustler. The biggest thrill to me about this is the appearance of Howard the Duck, although my hopes that the series would return the maligned mallard to the greatness of the Steve Gerber era were quickly dashed by some obvious jokes about the character's failed feature film. (At least Howard got a bit more respect in a recent appearance on Ultimate Spider-Man). Because I obviously have a chip on my shoulder about the duck's treatment here, I'll reserve judgment on the rest of the toon. Check it out to decide for yourself if it is fair or fowl. See what I did there?

Finally, the Dark and Gritty Popeye Reboot We've All Been Waiting All Our Lives For

Thursday, July 26, 2012 at 10:01 am

This isn't the first trailer for Genndy Tartakovsky's 3-D Popeye movie, just a little fan-made thing showing the surprisingly stacked sailor man kicking a few asses without the aid of his traditional spinach. But it's also an indication that maybe, just maybe, an updated Popeye wouldn't be a supreme waste of Genndy Tartakovsky's talents. Of course, it's also all the updated Popeye I personally need, so if Genndy wants to skip Popeye to do something else, that'd still be totally fine with me. (Hey, sorry I overslept, folks. I'll make up for it.)