9 Comic-Based Sexual Situations Too Bizarre or Risque for Marvel to Put Onscreen

Wednesday, February 18, 2015 at 5:00 am

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So the big news back in October of last year, is that Marvel finally decided to stop teasing us with hints of what they're going to tease us with regarding future movie plans, and have officially started teasing us with actual future movie plans. All sorts of awesome movies are coming up the pike, and a lot of them are gonna rake in the dough. Money, as we all know is one of the top two driving forces in the human condition. The other driving force? The one and only driving force that out does money? SEX! Pretty much every major decision in an adult's life comes out of our quest to find a mate, or our decision to step out of the mating pool. Even those of us who don't equate sex, love and procreation generally like to have orgasms. This all powerful motivating force even affects the lives of superheroes, though a movie viewer who doesn't read comics can be forgiven for not knowing that.

Superhero movies have largely been pretty reserved in their portrayal of romantic urgings. Bruce Wayne and Talia Al Ghul having sex in The Dark Knight Rises is the only noteworthy sex scene I can even recall off the top of my head in a superhero movie from the past decade or so. The closest thing Marvel has to compete with that would probably be a scene in Iron Man 3 where Tony Stark and Pepper Potts are sharing a bed together. Nothing jaw-dropping today, but something that would seriously have caught attention a few decades past. Comic books, however, go into a lot more risqué - if not outright lustily perverted - territory. I'll be focusing on Marvel for this list, mostly because I think they seem to have the cleaner reputation these days, what with being owned by Disney and not going all grim, dark and grit-toothed like DC does. Perhaps if there's enough interest I'll do a follow up focused on DC comics and movies.

TRIGGER WARNING - Some of the storylines that will be discussed involves topics like rape, domestic violence, slut shaming and exploitation. If you'd rather not read something like that, proceed to the second page, which has a lighter tone to it.


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The 7 Worst G1 Transformers (and Their Best Variants) [UPDATED]

Tuesday, February 17, 2015 at 5:00 am

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Real talk: Transformers were (and for some of us still are)where it's at as far as action figures are concerned. It's like two toys in one, with an awesome engineering conundrum between states.

Even-more-real-talk: Some of the original G1 (a term we may be using a little loosely) figures suck pretty bad. Part of the reason is because of the original Japanese toyline blah blah blah I want a car that's a goddamn robot and it needs to look cool as balls! As we know, cool is measured it balls (in the metric system at least) so let me guide you around the less-than-spectacular G1 line and point you toward the coolest goddamn versions of your old favorites. And I want to give a big shout-out to the crew at Seibertron.com for letting me use the amazing photos they have on their site. Thanks guys!


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The 26 Coolest Things at Toy Fair 2015

Monday, February 16, 2015 at 5:00 am

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For someone who's used to comic cons, Toy Fair is disorientingly bizarre. Gone are the heaving masses of sweaty Cloud Strifes, jabbing you in the junk with their Buster Swords as they bend over back issue bins, negligent to the space they occupy. Instead, it's filled with math. It's a bunch of people haggling over exclusives and minimum purchases and quality of resin casts. What the hell do you call places where those things happen? Oh yeah. It's a trade show.

Weird for me, but also incredible. The biggest trade show might not be an opportunity to churn up a room full of fanatics, but it is a place for toy makers to show off the best stuff they have for the next year. Be sure to check out our Facebook page for all of the photos we took from the floor (warning: some of them are super crappy), and now behold the 26 coolest things we saw all weekend...

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The 7 Least Romantic Video Game Romances

Friday, February 13, 2015 at 5:00 am

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Video games and love have a long and often awkward history. There's the classic quarter-century courtship of Mario and Peach, and games like Mass Effect and Dragon Age have (generally) well-written romances. But then there are couples that make you cringe just thinking about their relationship, whether it's Tidus and Yuna from Final Fantasy X bonding by braying in each other's faces like angry sheep, or Sonic the Hedgehog falling for a human princess twice his height and zero times his species in the Game That Shall Not Be Named. It's hard to condense complex emotions and years spent together into a 30 hour game, so let's be generous and say that these next 7 titles... struggled.

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The 33 Stupidest Things About Fifty Shades of Grey

Thursday, February 12, 2015 at 5:00 am

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"Why cover this movie at all? It's not nerdy!"

Good question, Mister (or Ms.) hypothetical commenter. Although not really. The answer should be obvious: since day one, Topless Robot has been associated with fan fiction. Both I and my predecessor have gradually become well-versed in terrible things created by hardcore fans whose biggest problems with their favorite movies and cartoons are that there isn't enough perversity in them.

Now, with the highest-profile movie ever to be based on fan fiction about to come out, tell me: how many of the other people writing about this film will have voluntarily read tales of McDonald's Happy Meals raping people and forcing them to lactate McFlurries, or My Little Pony characters who give birth to baby spiders at the behest of Cthulhu? I'm betting none. It is not only my duty, but my inherited calling, to take this movie on, on your behalf.

TOTAL SPOILAGE follows, but it's not like anybody's going to go see the movie for the plot anyway. Here are the dumbest things you can see - and drag queens will soon enough be reenacting - in Fifty Shades of Grey, the movie.

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9 Things Fox Got Right With Their 1996 Fantastic Four Script...That We Never Got to See

Wednesday, February 11, 2015 at 5:00 am

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Most of us remember the '90s. If you don't, there's a good chance you don't understand a lot of what we talk about on this site. But if you do, think back to 1996. Batman and Robin was about to come out, ending an era and making room for our current generation of comic book movies. Marvel Studios had formed a few years earlier, but at the time they were being praised for overcoming bankruptcy by selling their characters to other studios around Hollywood, five of which went to Fox. We know how Daredevil and X-Men turned out, but at the time there was also an early Dr. Strange script, as well as an Iron Man film set to star Nicolas Cage. Fox had also successfully retained their Fantastic Four license thanks to Roger Corman, and in 1996 writers Michael France and Chris Columbus had a script that would evolve over the next decade into what we saw in theaters. France would be credited as co-writer for the 2005 Fantastic Four film, while Columbus would stay on as executive producer for the series.

The Fantastic Four films from 2005 and 2007 were fun for what they were, but that's being generous. No matter how many redeeming qualities you can find, the misinterpretations of Doctor Doom and Galactus are inexcusable. The limited space of a modern city as opposed to a true outer space adventure was also a letdown for many fans. Of course now we have seen our first peek at Fox's latest Fant4stic attempt, and a popular opinion seems to be: "Why can't it be like the comics: fun, spacey, and featuring a real version of Doctor Doom?" We wanted to know if the script for the late '90s version of Fantastic Four was any closer to the mark. Indeed, while it contained several similarities to what we eventually got, presumably Michael France's contributions, this early incarnation featured plenty of elements that would have made the first film a little more fantastic. Here are nine of them.

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6 Ways Netflix's Live-Action Legend of Zelda Series Could Be a Disaster

Tuesday, February 10, 2015 at 5:00 am

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via Pikawil

So in what kind of took the world by surprise, Netflix suddenly announced last week that they're working on a live-action Legend of Zelda series, an adaptation of one of gaming's biggest legends. Aside from the fact that Nintendo has had their troubles adapting to modern social media, Internet services, and the like in recent years, the idea of a live-action television series based on something as coveted by gamers and nerds as this raises more than a few flags, things that feel a bit iffy and ways that it could go wrong.

...Of course, there are also a number of ways this could turn out to be a good thing as well, but positivity hasn't been paying the bills around here recently, so we're going to go Lou Bloom on this mofo instead. So why be cautious about all of this? Well...

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Weekstarter: Oculus Rift Porn, Monstrous Births, Rhino vs. Buffalo and More

Monday, February 9, 2015 at 5:00 am

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Ancient sex trips for monsters, a temple to the "real" Thor, Oculus Rift porn and a few other stories you may have missed over the weekend are collected below for your enjoyment, compiled with an assist from Kyle LeClair.

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10 Important Fashion Lessons We Can Learn From Anime

Friday, February 6, 2015 at 5:00 am

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The Anime Gallery

It's an age old question I have always asked myself: is Japan fashionable because of anime or is anime fashionable because of Japan? This thought haunts me at night - I prefer my version to the famous "chicken or egg" question.

If you have been living under a rock and/or in some sort of alternate dimension, then you don't know that Japan is probably one of the most cutting edge fashionable first world countries out there. There are entire subcultures wrapped up in the identities of the way people dress, from Lolita to Decora to Fairy Kei to Shibuya girl. This concise and amazing obsession with style has transcended to their greatest export since Sashimi: anime. As a wee one learning to dress myself, I "closet cosplayed" constantly - putting together emulations of my favorite character's outfits from thrift stores and department store racks. And now I have a fairly popular fashion blog - because I learned how to dress myself from anime characters.

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The 11 Biggest Mistakes In Robotech's History

Thursday, February 5, 2015 at 5:00 am

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With its 30th anniversary right around the corner, and talk of a live-action adaptation surfacing again, Robotech's continued popularity is increasingly difficult to explain. Very much a product of its era, the Robotech franchise is outdated and unnecessary today: fans now have easy access to three shows originally used to create the series (Macross, Southern Cross and MOSPEADA), so why bother with the edited version? Today, the Robotech narrative seems to be one more of successive failures and missteps, rather than multi-generational intergalactic war. Harmony Gold, the company behind Robotech, is persistent in its attempts to maintain and promote the series with new sequels and merchandise. To the dismay of fans, these efforts almost always transform any initial optimism into disappointment.


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