I'm sure they're tired of hearing us constantly say "The porn costume looks better!" That won't happen today. I do like the Gentleman Ghost's look, but other than that...[clip is SFW]

Also, Axel Braun strikes me as an actual comics fanboy. This, well - read the synopsis:

"The XXX Adventures of Hawkman & Hawkgirl: An Extreme Comixxx Parody" is tale of eternal love and unparalleled power. Through reincarnation, Hawkman and Hawkgirl continue to find each other over the course of thousands of years. In ancient Egypt, Prince Khufu fell in love with the beautiful Princess Chayara, making her his bride. Their passion was legendary until the Gentleman Ghost cut the princess' life short. Overcome with grief at the site of her body, Prince Khufu took his own life. Rather than finding peace in the afterlife, the lovers return to this world searching for each other. Now as the superheroes Hawkman and Hawkgirl, they use Nth metal and powerful wings to defy gravity and protect humanity, while battling their sworn enemy, the Gentleman Ghost, and his sexy accomplice, Black Canary.

Non-comprehensive highlights of the week in Blu-ray releases...

Jurassic Park 3D - Holy balls, that was fast! I literally just saw this in the theater last week. Holds up very well as a movie - after hearing Spielberg talk a couple of Comic-Cons ago about going through the making of E.T. with so many child actors and realizing by the end that he wanted kids himself, it's clearer than ever that Alan Grant's arc is somewhat autobiographical. And the great depth of field many scenes already had is enhanced nicely by 3D. A new nine-minute documentary focuses on the post-conversion process, but unless you have a 3D TV it's not really worth the purchase.

Thale - If you ever come upon a secret hidden laboratory in which lies a beautiful woman named "Eve," always assume it's an ironic biblical metaphor and she's looking to kill you and start a new species. Especially if she has a tail. This Norwegian horror movie flounders a bit with some awkward CG toward the end, but the plot manages some nice twists and the good old ultraviolence at the end.

Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes - Or, as I like to call it, "Heh-Heh! The Legendary Christopher Lambert, Lord of the Raspy Laugh." Before he was Highlander and Rayden, the freaky Frenchman was Tarzan, in a movie from Chariots of Fire director Hugh Hudson that attempted to return the character to his more literary roots. They still took quite a few liberties with Burroughs' original novel, but it's a step above "Me Tarzan, you Jane," or anything scored to Phil Collins songs. Rather hilariously, Andie MacDowell's Jane was overdubbed by Glenn Close when the former's Southern accent was deemed too broad.

Gangster Squad - You may recall I liked this movie quite a bit; history buffs could find it infuriating, but as long as you come to it not expecting reality - and hungry for an over-the-top violent and at times inappropriately comedic treatment of gangster violence, you'll dig it. It is truly from the director of Zombieland and 30 Minutes or Less, with the same gleefully morbid outlook. The Blu-ray contains numerous featurettes and a documentary on the real Mickey Cohen, played in the movie by Sean Penn.

And that's really about it in terms of my picks for this week; it's not a very loaded release day. As always, feel free to add yours.

Non-comprehensively highlighting the week's top picks in Blu-ray...

Repo Man - When I was younger, and couldn't see a vast percentage of the movies released in Ireland (many of which were rated the equivalent of NC-17 even if they were originally R or PG-13 here), my dad used to make sure that during our summer trips to the U.S., we crammed as many movies as possible in that I wouldn't be allowed to see once we got home (but that he thought, on grounds of their quality, I ought to see). When I was ten years old, one of them was this flick, a movie about a pair of repo men - played by Harry Dean Stanton and newcomer Emilio Estevez - tracking down a stolen car with radioactive aliens hidden in the trunk. Fully encapsulating the weirdness of Reagan-era Los Angeles, the movie featured a soundtrack with the likes of Iggy Pop and the Circle Jerks on it, and ends with (THREE DECADE-OLD SPOILER!) Emilio getting in the alien car and floating up into the sky.

Here's the thing that helps make that night memorable. We were staying in New York, and had taken the subway all the way across town for a late show. Once we got out, the dark streets were basically empty, but there was one bus, just parked, with the door shut. My dad tried to signal the driver, who made a vague, noncommital gesture, then took off around the corner. My dad said we should run, but he did it half-heartedly. I was a kid with energy, and went full speed.

When we got around the corner the bus was there. The driver let us on, then shut the doors and off we went.

"Were you waiting for us?" asked my father. The driver nodded his head. "Are you going to Madison Avenue?" Yes, he was.

Except he wasn't picking anybody else up. Even when they tried to signal to him. Were we going to fly into space like the movie never ended?

Nope. But he drove us right to our door.

Anyway, Repo Man's an awesome movie regardless of that. And the Criterion Blu-ray has not just the theatrical cut, but an edited-for-TV version that includes alternate takes, deleted footage and clean language. Pop open a generic beer, peel yourself a plate o' shrimp and enjoy.

Django Unchained - If you haven't already, you can read my review of this one. There isn't a whole lot more to add at this time, as the extras are pretty meager: featurettes on the costumes, stunts and production design, as well as promos for the soundtrack and the Tarantino XX box set.

Iron Man: Rise of Technovore - Some wondered what the point was of Marvel Studios getting back rights to the Punisher, since his prior movies haven't been huge successes. Well, now we know - it was to get him in an Iron Man anime-style cartoon! Also, he's voiced by Norman Reedus. Can I just skip this one and go straight to the spin-off?

Message from Space - A mid-'70s Star Wars ripoff directed by Battle Royale's Kinji Fukasaku, starring Sonny Chiba and Vic Morrow? Yes please! Even if it sucks, I need to know in exactly what ways it sucks. But how can it, really?

For All Mankind: The Life and Career of Mick Foley - Foley has had wrestling DVDs and Blu-rays put out before, so the match selection at this point might feel a bit more desperate, but the attraction here is the feature documentary about his life and career, which feels more comprehensive now that he seems genuinely retired from in-ring action (after several "false finishes," shall we say). Available with or without "Mr. Socko" sock puppet.

Those are my picks for this week. What are yours?

UPDATE: If I don't hear from winner "Lethargic Lad" by the time the weekend's over, I'm reassigning that prize.

I love when I can give away three prizes. Always an easier choice than just going with one. In this case, it wasn't too hard: the assignment was to describe a terrible reboot of a Don Coscarelli film. Since there aren't many of those, and a lot of you have a go-to well of terrible movie people - Nic Cage, Tyler Perry, Michael Bay, Rob Zombie and...Justin Bieber? - I could simplify things a bunch this time by picking the ones who made the best joke first.

As always, the honorable mentions come first.

I see what you did there, filmphilosophy69:

Bubba Ho-Tep remade by Don Coscarelli

List of terrible thing that could happen:

No Bruce Campell

The movie dives into Elvis's/Sebastian Hoffs past

The movie makes it clear that Elvis/Sebastian Hoff is Elvis

It stays in production hell

No black sidekick who claims he's JFK

A title that is not Bubba Ho-Tep

A movie that hops onto the vampire bandwagon instead of less seen monsters like the mummy

Elvis/Sebastian Hoff is not elderly

But seriously, from all the things I can discern from the imdb page, these issues are all a part of the Prequel, Bubba Noseferatu and as a horror/film nerd I'm seriously worried. Also I still need to see John Dies at the End. So I could really use that DVD.

VindicaSean's could easily be Dreamworks' next cartoon:

Beastmaster Remake

Director: Shawn Levy

Starring: Kevin James, Kate Beckinsale, Jayden Smith

Paul Blart himself stars as the eponymous ferret wrangler Durr (misspelled on purpose by me, purposefully by the studio to make jokes about his intelligence), with Kate Beckinsale in a very Racquel Welch-inspired leather cut-off bikini. The animals talk, and we the audience understand them. They make pop culture references and embarrass Kevin James whenever possible. They talk like the Chipmunks from that awful CG-laden abortion with Jason Lee. Christopher Lee sleepwalks his way through the movie as the villain, who has suspiciously borderline racist-sounding hench...things. Oh, and don't get your hopes up about Beckinsale. It's rated PG-13.

isaacjfeldberg brings the Cage with aplomb:

Beastmaster

Director: actor Nicolas Cage

Starring: Robert Pattinson as the Beastmaster, Kate Upton as Tanya, Nicolas Cage as Maax

Nicolas Cage opts to direct and co-star in a remake of The Beastmaster, believing only he has the creative vision and talent necessary to create a truly breathtaking reboot. He searches for celebrities with large fan-bases and, after seeing a double feature of Twilight and Cosmopolis, determines that Robert Pattinson has the look of Beastmaster. After signing the confused actor, Cage puts him on Taylor Lautner's fitness regimen and gives him a month to bulk up. Meanwhile, he commissions M. Night Shyamalan and Stephanie Meyer to co-write the screenplay, explaining, "It needed an air of mystery, mysticism and sexuality to it that the original Beastmaster neglected." After watching Kate Upton's 'Cat Daddy' video fifteen times (for research), Cage casts the beautiful young model, saying, "Have you SEEN this girl? And 'Cat Daddy' is an animalistic dance that only a true Tanya could pull off." Out of time and options, he casts himself as Maax, saying, "I can play any character. I am the greatest actor of all time, and Maax will be a welcome challenge." Cage notes, "I'm creating the hard-R Beastmaster. This is the movie that was meant to be. To communicate the bestial nature of the characters and story, all of the actors will be nude in every scene. Loincloths are restrictive and will not be permitted on the set. In addition, I find that Beastmaster is a timeless tale, and so I have chosen to set the film in present-day New York. I find that Beastmaster and Tanya are well-suited to the city atmosphere as characters. The final battle will take place on the SHIELD helicarrier and continue on top of the Empire State Bulding. I'm excited, you all should be as well." The film will hit theaters later this year, and industry insiders believe that the budget will be approximately the gross GDP of a small country, a budget Cage defends by saying, "The Beastmaster was made for 3D and Smell-o-vision. He cannot be contained."

MasterFlinter gets comic-booky:

MVL Productions bring their winning formula to The Beastmaster.

First up, you gotta hire a visionless director. After all, you can't have things like 'artistic vision' getting in the way of making the big bucks. Bonus points if she/he comes from TV to keep the salary down. Michael Cuesta, you're up.

Next you need to get the cast together. Anton Yelchin specializes in remakes that nobody asked for so he's a shoe in for Dar. Olga Kurylenko has the exotic looks and experience in action flicks to be Kiri, plus she doesn't have to get the girls out since it's going to be PG13! The WWE's Big E Langston makes his big screen debut as Seth. Christopher Walken brings his own brand of batshit insanity to the role of Maax.

In keeping with the Marvel ethos a few things need to be changed. Focus groups don't like on screen human deaths or the occult. The only characters that will 'die' are the formerly hooded beast-warriors who will now be animated constructs. Rather than being stolen from his mother's womb and birthed by a cow Dar will now simply be sent adrift down a river during a raid on his mother's village. The terrifying vampire clan who aided Dar on his quest will now be golden-haired elves.

Finally, the one golden rule of MVL Productions: the villain must be endowed with shittier versions of the hero's powers. Whereas Dar can speak to animals, Walken-Maax will only be able to mumble incoherently at them.

rpmarsh knows the Tyler Perry formula best:

Bubba Ho-Tep remade by Tyler Perry. Elvis would be Tyler Perry who after recovering from his coma finds out he is now old and fat. JFK would be Tom Cruise and the primary villain who summoned the mummy to feed off of the rest of the retirement home to keep him young. But all of this would be a side plot to the gripping tale of the retirement home's nurse: a beautiful, educated, professional black woman trapped in a troubled marriage with her own mummy (her aging husband).

monstermensch ropes in Brett Ratner:

Ok, this is a cheap shot, but we all know that Hollywood is thinking about this RIGHT NOW!

Brett Ratner will direct a reboot of "John dies at the end"

John (Eddie Murphy) finds a meteor filled with some strange black liquid in his garden. After he and his neighbour David (Ben Stiller) touch the liquid, they gain superpowers.
At first they use their powers (which include basically everything the kids in "chronicle" could do) to impress women and screw with some assholes in the neighborhood.
Finally they have to fight a strenage creature known as "Largeman" from a paralleluniverse, who wants to reign over earth. A final battle ensues, which will remind us of the glory that was "Howard the duck".
In the end our heroes win not only the fight for earth, but also the love of their respective women.

After Hollywoods experience with "john Carter", the producers decide that no one wants to watch a movie with the word "John" in it, also since its rated PG no one can die. So the title is changed to "David rescues the world".

Box office will put Titanic to shame.

perc2100 is creative, but I said to imagine a Hollywood remake, not an arthouse one:

In a move both heavenly and head scratching, Don Coscarelli's BUBBA HO-TEP are sold off and snatched up by renowned Denmark filmmaker Lars von Trier. von Trier's company Zentropa, known for making hardcore explicit pornography in a mainstream artistic way, decides to change the focus of the film from a battle between Elvis and the mummy to an NC-17 rated love affair. Von Trier further pushes the boundaries by casting a non-acting down syndrome afflicted 86 year-old Danish man as Elvis, who is constantly having violent sexual relations with not only a 101 year old man, but also with a dead fox (a returning character from von Trier's ANTICHRIST who again utters the "chaos reigns" catch-phrase).

The only legit actor cast in the film is Tyler Perry in the role of JFK. The audacious BUBBA HO-TEP wins the Palm D'or at Cannes, is hailed by critics, and becomes the cult hit of the decade. Bruce Campbell weeps publicly that he wasn't a part of the reboot.

and shadowoverportland comes up with a Michael Bay pitch that doesn't sound like parody - it sounds like something he'd actually do for real:

Oh, the worst remake would be Bubba Ho-Tep. Picture this.....

Michael Bay picks up the rights to the film. Of course, a rewrite is in order, as the original doesn't have enough explosions. So we start with the bus transporting the Egyptian mummy across Texas being hijacked by a cult out to restore the glory of the Ho-Tep dynasty. And they have access to several heavily armed helicopters, so a high speed chase ensue, as cars go flying through the air as they are shot full of holes and explode like mini nukes.

The cultist use the same flying suits used in Transformers 3 (because who needs something new in a Michael Bay movie if it looks cool), drive the bus off a bridge and use the suits to land safely by a nursing home.

The cultists allow Ho-Tep to absorb their souls, knowing the resurrected mummy would need more souls before being able to rule the world, and the nursing home will offer plenty of slow moving victims. But they didn't reckon on the kung fu power of The King of Rock and Roll, Elvis Presley. Played by Nic Cage, he's in hiding for his fans, loving life while playing hospital sex games with the hot nurse (Megan Fox) tasked with rubbing steroids on his junk.

The King discovers the mummy. but finds his kung fu skills can't best Ho-Tep and his minions of darkness. He turns to a man who might be JFK (Tracey Morgan), who has access to an arsenal of high tech CIA weaponry, including a rocket powered wheelchair with front mounted gatling guns.

Armed to the teeth, the trio set out to Dallas, where Ho-Tep has transformed into a towering being able to spit out little mummy minions that morph into various mystical beings. Fox brings her shortest shorts and cut off tank top, while Morgan acts more like Reagan in his later years than JFK, yet still takes out the mummy horde. And Cage gets to shout out lines like "I'm filing you in alphabetical order!!! A,B,C,D,E..." and "How'd you get burned, mummy bitch? How'd you get BURNED?!?!?!" And, what the hell, he punches out a mummy disguised as Pedo Bear. Hey, it's a Michael Bay film.

I'm not sure what to make of superdino19's idea - it scares me a little.

Movie: Bubbah Ho-tep

Director : Brian Henson

Actors: Jack played by John F Kennedy's corpse in blackface

Elvis played by Elvis Presley's corpse (note Kurt russell is an acceptable alternative if Elvis cannot be reached for filming, though Kurt may have to be knocked unconscious during filming)

Bubba Ho-Tep played by Boris Karlof's corpse, reprising his star role as a mummy

The entire movie takes place shot for shot the same, with the exception that Jack, Elvis, and Bubba Ho-Tep are all played by their real life counterparts. (Boris Karlof actually being a mummy is a scientific fact, look it up if you need to) The movie is changed in only one fact, that the three lead actors are wheeled around on their own dolly, and each of them are in stages of puppet, marionette, or a combination of the two (this is why Brian Henson is chosen as director, for his previous "Muppet" work)

The actors lines are voiced over to sync with the puppet work by executive producer Paul Giamatti playing Bubba Ho-tep, Don Coscarelli as Jack (he does not get payed extra for this), and Kurt Russell voicing Elvis regardless of if his unconscious body or Elvis Presley acts.

After the jump, your winners...

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...going to be named after we showcase the runners-up first. Because that's how I roll.

The question for all entrants was who Clara Oswin/Oswald is really and how she ended up in the Asylum of the Daleks. I noted that the most likely explanation was not necessarily the one that was going to win. It was very hard to choose - go with the funniest, or the nerdiest?

Points to Someguy for getting creative and doing a photo as his entry:

I love purely random humor, and I think sith92289 knew that:

she is batman and she becomes a dalek in a secret plan to secret plan to stop warner brothers from making a crappy justice league movie in a plan so complex that no mere mortal could understand it

prinnyraid was funny too, but in the end I thought picking this would do a disservice to people who really did spend time to come up with theories:

Clara Oswalt is really Jenna Louise Coleman and I am sure she got to the set of Asylum of the Daleks by some sort of motorized transportation

louieatrest put some thought into this one, which I'm not sure quite adds up for me but is nicely creative:

Someone is trying to change the future by removing people from the past. Clara comes up with an algorithm to use her temporal variants to replace the missing people until they can be restored...except they keep disappearing, and Clara is being stretched so thin that inevitably some of her temporal variants are dying. Her living brain cannot keep track of the algorithm (the values for its variables) with the past continuously changing, and since there are no time lords available, she inserts copies of her dead variants into Dalek bodies, the only other available being able to navigate the time streams, in order to keep track of who is missing, and preserving her present.

NewDil4EVER had a great geek-level answer, but didn't directly address the question at hand:

Victorian Clara was born on November 23rd, the same day the show first premiered, while the Modern Clara might have been born in 1989, specifically the end of the classic series: December 9th.

It's also interesting to know that Clara's mother died on April 5th, 2005, the same day the new series premiered on television. So, maybe the Doctor's return to the mind of British population has something to do with her mother's death. It was hinted that almost everyone's memories of the Doctor is slowly being forgotten, especially the Daleks, who are like personal relations to the show.

I believe that each Clara was born on a specific date on Doctor Who's history. So, maybe the Dalek Clara was born on May 1996 and since we have no specific date on when Asylum of the Daleks, we can assume it's in the not-too-distant future. Her denial of her new Dalek nature mirrors some of the fans who are devastated the TV movie's failure and escape through spin-off material, such as audio dramas and books.

So, I believe Clara is influenced by the BBC. Not directly, but whenever the BBC makes a critical decision for Doctor Who, something big happens to each Clara who exist in time and space. So, by the next November 23rd the Doctor visits, something unearthly and life-changing will happen to them. Can anybody say "The Fields of Trenzalore?"

EvilMonkeyPope used what we know so far about the 50th to posit what could be a simple solution:

Clara is not the same human appearing & dying in different points of time. She's actually multiple Zygon infiltrator agents using same human camoflage

starmanmatt should write for the show:

Clara is a Dalek trap, but not in any way that anyone has anticipated so far. Because Clara was not a human transformed into a Dalek who proved too strong-willed to be broken into the normal Dalek behavior. Clara was a Dalek who committed the most unthinkable crime in Dalek society - she became capable of empathy. This deviant Dalek actually developed such a sense of sympathy for it's captive that it BECAME the captive after her death/assimilation. When it became apparent what happened, The Dalek Emperor committed "Clara" to the Asylum and then embarked upon a plan to deal with several of the Daleks' worst enemies at once.

We know that many figures were involved in the Time War between the Time Lords and the Daleks but we don't know for certain that there were only two camps in that war. Supposing The Great Intelligence, which we know originally came from deep space, had fought The Daleks before?

To that end, the Daleks use their cloning and time-travel technology to locate the original Clara Oswin Oswald before her ship was captured by the Daleks and collect a DNA sample. They then arrange for clones of Clara to appear on Earth at key points coinciding with the activities of The Great Intelligence on Earth. And then they capture The Doctor and send him into the lion's den of their asylum, knowing what they know of him after years of conflict that The Doctor won't be able to stop himself from trying to rescue someone in need.... especially a cheery young woman.

The other thing The Daleks know about The Doctor is that he can't leave well enough alone when confronted with a good mystery. And the curiosity of an ordinary woman managing to resist being transformed into a Dalek will hook him like nothing else. After that, it's just a matter of trusting that The Doctor's natural ability to show up whenever something odd happens on Earth that would jeopardize the timeline would lead him to one of their clones.... and keep following that trail into the real trap.

A couple of similarly meta theories come from, respectively, hercubadger and ComradeDread1:

Clara is actually a character in some poorly written Fan Fiction authored by the TARDIS herself. Originally a pure Mary Sue, the TARDIS has so far attempted three rewrites of the story character. First, as a tragic "save me Doctor, I've turned into a Dalek!" scary SF character. Second, as a period piece after the TARDIS started watching Downton Abbey. Finally, as a more contemporary attempt to save on CGI budget for the eventual movie deal.

Due to some long term affect of the Time Vortex and over eager Tumblr commentators, the Clara character has developed a life of its own and now is trying to take over the place like poorly written fan fiction is so often prone to do.

The doctor believed that he could only regenerate 12 times, but he did not reckon upon the power of the internet and his obsessive fan base who continued to push for a new incarnation whenever the show runners tried to wrap up the series.

As time ground onward, a cult form. Within the cult, there were schisms as factions broke off over disagreements on who was the one, true Doctor and his most holy companion. The wars between Cult 10 and Cult 11 were particularly gruesome and involved a nuclear exchange which unfortunately claimed the life of the 62nd Doctor who was filming on location.

While the Cults called for a cease fire to convene a Holy Conclave and choose their own candidate to succeed the doctor, a producer of the show discovered a relic text from the Before Times, when the show was run by something called the BBC. In an act of defiance, he hired a candidate of his own choosing and readied the Tardis to send the 63rd doctor back to our time to warn the producers and end the show before the Cults overthrew the governments and destroyed the world.

He had tried to throw the Cult factions off by selecting the least likely candidate for the new Doctor, a woman. But the Cults had sprung from the Internet fan forums. As news spread, armies surrounded the studio chanting, "Rule 63... rule 63..." They breached the perimeter quickly. The producer was forced to sacrifice his life for the new Doctor, so she could escape.

Unfortunately, a cultist dedicated to proclaiming the Daleks the best Doctor Who villains, had sabotaged his homemade Tardis, sending it careening off to the Dalek Asylum, where it crash landed. The new Doctor had a significant knock on the noggin that erased her memories of future Britain (or Whovistan as it was then called.) As she emerged from the broken Tardis, she asked one of the local Daleks to clarify exactly who they were and where she was. The Dalek, broken and insane, did not understand her and thought she was introducing herself as Clara. The name stuck.

The winner after the jump...

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The next time a geeky guest embarrasses you, you can literally give them their just desserts; now, when people say this has become a cookie-cutter meme, well, they're absolutely correct. Said cutter is available here.

Please use quality ingredients, though, because when it comes to a treat that looks like Picard, you never want to make it so-so.

h/t Mark Harmon

Axel Braun usually gets attention for his porn parodies by either doing a superhero that hasn't been done in a mainstream movie yet (like She-Hulk or Wonder Woman), or by getting his version out around the same time as the film being parodied (like Dark Knight Rises).

So, uh, really? Iron Man only comes around now? Like, doesn't the very name "Iron Man" give you ideas right away?

I feel like this was a missed opportunity, especially since Braun usually gets good costumes, but that Mandarin is hideously bad. You be the judge, though - safe-for-work trailer is after the jump.

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Non-comprehensively highlighting the week's top picks in Blu-ray...

The Adventures of Merlin: Season 5 - The final season's out already? I guess Julia isn't up on all our DVR'ed episodes, or I'd have heard the tears by now that one of her favorite shows is over. Anyway, unlike Smallville, the King Arthur/Merlin origin show eventually incorporated the entire legend, albeit with everyone still being kinda young and dorky looking by the end. Yet they did make the tale more accessible to viewers who might not have otherwise been interested, so let us quote Nicol Williamson from Excalibur when it comes to the show's ultimate worth: "A dream to some...A NIGHTMARE TO OTHERS!"

Naked Lunch (Criterion Collection) - Peter Weller is William S. Burroughs, sort of, in David Cronenberg's attempt to film the unfilmable, heroin-infused stream-of-consciousness book. Been a while since I've seen it, but i remember insectoid typewriters, weird mutants and a rambling narrative that nonetheless coalesces into one of the best endings of all time. Maybe the commentary track by actor and director will explain more this time around.

The Fast & Furious movies with new matching slipcovers - These have already been out on Blu-ray a while, so knowing Universal I suspect "movie money" might be the lure this time.

Massage Parlor Murders - A lost 1970 grindhouse flick featuring one of the first performances by George Dzundza - Michael Douglas' schlubby partner in Basic Instinct. Um...sold?

Father's Day - Not the Robin Williams/Billy Crystal monstrosity, but if this fake grindhouse movie picked up by Troma had starred those two, it would have been amazing. Plot described thusly: "Ahab is a revenge-crazed psychopath/hero fresh out of prison for mistakenly slaughtering the ruthless monster who raped and murdered his father. But fathers are still being violated, dismembered with hacksaws and then set on fire. A teen hustler and a hot young priest search out the reclusive Ahab, determined to finish the job he started years ago and send this degenerate demon back to Hell, literally."

The Sorcerer and the White Snake - A man inadvertently falls in love with a thousand-year-old white snake, and only sorcerer-monk Jet Li can save him. This kind of thing used to happen all the time in China.

Anything major I missed? Have at it in comments.

I know, I know, there are a lot of giveaways this week. But there's not a one in the bunch that I felt I could turn down.

I covered Don Coscarelli's John Dies at the End pretty extensively when it came out; before that, Rob was a fan of the trailer. At the time, many of you expressed frustration that it probably would not be playing anywhere remotely near where you live.

And now, it doesn't have to. I am giving away three sets of the DVD and the original novel by David Wong. That's three winners who will take home both a disc and book apiece. I still feel this is the best movie released so far this year, a wild romp involving drugs, aliens, meat zombies, ghosts, alternate histories, masked nudists, caged demons and of course Paul Giamatti, all filtered through the always bizarre sensibility of Don Coscarelli.

Here is your challenge for entry: in comments below, imagine Coscarelli gets so desperate that he sells off the rights to all his movies. Hollywood does a big budget reboot of one. Which one is it, who do they cast, who directs it and how do they fuck it up the most?

As always, you have one week; contest closes April 9th, 2013, at 11:59 pm. Enter as often as you like, I reserve the right to reassign prizes if winners prove uncontactable, etc.

Marvel Cinematic Universe Phase One: Avengers Assembled - Got $150 for all six Marvel Studios movies, on Blu-ray and Blu-ray 3D in a replica suitcase with a glowing Tesseract? Sure you do - that's still less than the price of one Hot Toys figure. Delayed for the dumbest of reasons (Marvel failed to negotiate proper merchandising rights with the luggage company that designed the case!), this set is finally coming out just in time to pump you up for Iron Man 3...and some surprise glimpses of future projects are also rumored. If I have to sell you on this in any other way, I can't imagine you're a regular reader, but it is my fond hope that somebody initiates a Kickstarter to send copies of this set to everyone at DC Comics so they can maybe learn something after the first hundred viewings.

John Dies at the End - We may have done a post or two about my favorite movie of the year so far; stay tuned, because later today I'm going to give you the chance to win a copy of both the movie and the book it's based on.

The Bible: The Epic Miniseries - Well, that was a quick turnaround! Whether you believe it's literal history or not, the Bible is still an epic tale of love, war and powerful supernatural forces that has endured for centuries. (You don't have to believe midichlorians are real to enjoy Star Wars, either.) It's mighty ambitious to take on the whole thing, but what really puzzles me is the novelization of the miniseries that I just saw in my local grocery store. I kinda thought there already was a book version that was pretty popular.

Tormented 3D - The Grudge director Takashi Shimizu brings us a 3D horror movie about a dangerously mind-altering 3D horror movie. I appreciate the meta-level of it all, but won't be checking this out until I have a 3D TV, probably three years from now at minimum. And by then I'll have forgotten about it. Just being honest here.

Stitches - UK stand-up comedian Ross Noble makes his feature-film debut in this Irish slasher film about a burned-out birthday clown who accidentally meets a bad end when a bunch of kids keep playing annoying pranks that inadvertently turn deadly. Six years later, said kids are all hormonally driven teens, finally untraumatized enough to hold another party, and Stitches the Clown returns from the grave. It seems clowns are an ancient fraternity with voodoo powers, and if they leave a party unfinished, there's hell to pay. Particularly funny for kids like myself who grew up in Ireland and know the slang (those who didn't may need subtitles), it's a slow starter with some good gross-out kills, worth a watch but maybe not a purchase.

But since this is otherwise a slow week for geeky releases, after the jump I have some pictures from last night's Hollywood premiere of Stitches, featuring all manner of dangerous objects crammed up clowns' body cavities...

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