New Disney Short "Feast" Is Going to Make All You Pet Owners Cry. Just Give in Now.

Friday, October 17, 2014 at 10:00 am

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Look at the puppy. Look at the owner feeding him a french fry.

Look at the puppy eat more food.

Look at time go by, as the puppy gets bigger and starts eating nachos and spaghetti 'n stuff.

And ask yourself...is there any goddamn doubt this won't end with an old and feeble dog licking up the last drops of melted ice cream from a wrinkly hand, or some shit like that?

Maybe. But I don't see how. The short will premiere in full in front of Big Hero 6, and I suggest watching the clip below to get yourself prepared. Not that it'll work.

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Ex-Mythbuster Hired by McDonald's, Now Busting Myths in Their Favor

Wednesday, October 15, 2014 at 1:15 pm

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Yes, that's recently downsized Mythbusters star Grant Imahara in a McDonald's-funded video, proving to the world that the company doesn't use "pink slime" or eyeballs in their hamburgers. And you know it's legit because McDonald's would never lie, or cut corners to maximize profits.

Seriously, let's just assume Imahara is absolutely on the level, as we have no reason not to based on his track record. Do we really think that if he found bad stuff, McDonald's would put it in their videos?

Can we get the other Mythbusters to test the veracity of this myth-busting?

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The 18 Strangest Versions of Dracula

Wednesday, October 15, 2014 at 6:00 am

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Could Bram Stoker ever have imagined, back in 1897, that the character he created would one day be used for everything from pornography to breakfast cereal? It's hard to imagine that even Bela Lugosi could have guessed that the accent he gave Dracula would still be in use, more than 80 years later, spoofed by George Hamilton, or teaching kids to count, or marketing everything from car insurance to debt-consolidation loans ("because debt sucks!") to throat lozenges. Thus Dracula Untold, the title of the Drac movie that opened this past weekend, seems almost impertinent. Can there be a variation on the Dracula tale left untold?

Here are 18 strong contenders for the most peculiar takes on Count Dracula in popular culture. Note: These aren't just vampires in the Dracula mode; all of them had, at minimum, to have either the title "Count" or the prefix "Drac-" or the suffix "-ula" somewhere in their name.


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Friday Newsbites and New York Comic Con Weekend Open Thread

Friday, October 10, 2014 at 6:30 pm

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Keep following our Twitter all weekend - if news escapes, Jim'll catch it. Monday's morning list will be a recap of the best stuff he's seen - so that means no WeekStarter/Hangover list.

Before we begin, here are a few things we didn't have room for in other posts today:

-Secret Wars returns to Marvel. I'd expect toy tributes too.

-What's the matter with Kansas? Sriracha at Taco Bell.

-Cosplay proves that the U.S. is financially doomed.

-James Earl Jones is still Darth Vader.

-The new Star Wars arcade game looks badass.

-Imagine Pacific Rim as a video game in which both Jaegers and Kaiju get to eat the humans.

-Zombie-animal comic The Other Dead gets a TV series...on Animal Planet.

-Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs: The Prequel Series?

-Chinese Star Wars comic from back in the day is insane.

I READ YOUR FANFIC! Anthropomorphized "America" Gets Raped by McDonald's Happy Meals

Friday, October 10, 2014 at 5:22 pm

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If you want to submit fan fiction for me to read, please send it - or a link to it - to toplessrobot-at-gmail-dot-com with subject line "Read my Fanfic!"

Title: "America Goes To McDonald's And Never Comes Back (Part 1 of 2)" by Konata101

Logline: "America," a nation embodied herein by an overweight man with glasses named Alfred, investigates an empty McDonald's. Or so he thinks. It's full of evil, homicidal Happy Meals who proceed to have their way with him.

Acts Involved: Guro, oral rape, force-feeding, bone-breaking, anal violation, enema fetish, anal gang-rape

Participants: America, the McDonald's Happy Meal creatures.

The Live Reading/Performance...

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Week-Starter: Vinyl Guardians, Cowboy Game of Thrones, Bob's Burgers Porn and More!

Monday, October 6, 2014 at 6:00 am

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If you-ooooo-oooo...are hooked on the vinyl! Then there's a version of the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack for you.

Here are some other stories you might have missed, if not for the compiling assistance of Kyle LeClair and the tipster powers of Patch999, Gallen_Dugall, SlyDante777, skrag2112, RegularStormy, Rx79immigrant84, troi. Also, I'm experimenting with titles other than Weekend Hangover, just to see if they get better traction. Feeling like maybe positioning this as a kickoff rather than leftover might be more pro-active. We'll see.


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Super Terrific Japanese Thing: Figurines of Cats Wrapped in Sushi

Friday, September 26, 2014 at 10:00 am

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You know, I see these Japanese vending machine toys of cats as sushi, and all comedy suddenly escapes me.

What possible humor could I find in the notion of eating pussycats?

Where's the hilarity in pussycats smelling like raw fish? Pawing raw tuna?

Is it ironic that cats like to eat fish, and are now being prepared like fish? That seems like a silly reason to make such a juxtaposition! Wouldn't they get hair in your mouth?

There must be a joke there, but I just can't find it.

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17 Things You May Have Missed This Weekend, From KFC Keyboards to Hamster Hot-Dogging

Monday, September 22, 2014 at 6:00 am

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A 16-disc set of Matt Smith's Doctor Who tenure is coming - and that's but one thing that came up in conversation over the course of the weekend thread. Compiled with the help of Kyle LeClair, here are some of the other stories you might have missed.

Tipsters this week included Gallen_Dugall, SlyDante777, Anyone00, troi, Rx79Immigrant84, Citrus_King

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Japanese-Style Cat Cafe Seeks Kickstarter Funds to Open in L.A...Again

Friday, September 19, 2014 at 3:13 pm

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They're pretty common in Tokyo - cafes full of cats, where people with or without pets can feel like the temporary owners of a whole menagerie of purring, face-rubbing, string-batting cuties. Catfe wants to bring this concept to the U.S...but the first Kickstarter failed.

Now they're trying again, with a new stipulation that assuages the concerns of animal-rights folks - some of the cats will be adoptable right then and there. This also ensures that I WILL NEVER EVER GO THERE.

Why? Simple: I have a wife who would gladly adopt every pet she sees. I have an apartment with limited space. If we go to a Catfe where the cats are on offer, it is a near-certainty that I don't get to leave without one. I realize it may have been a requirement to get the necessary support, but I'm warning you single guys who don't know any better: take a woman on a date to Catfe, and you'll be choosing between looking like a callous asshole, or bringing home one or more of the four-legged residents.

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Fast Food Review: Little Caesars Pretzel Crust Pepperoni Pizza

Wednesday, September 17, 2014 at 4:00 pm

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Pretzel: 1. a crisp, dry biscuit, usually in the form of a knot or stick, salted on the outside.

2. a larger version of this, made of soft, chewy bread dough.

In other words, terms like "pretzel bun" and "pretzel crust" are utterly meaningless. It's just that "browned and salted" doesn't have the same hook. And in some cases, it's not even browned.

But let's back up...

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