Some of you have even more imagination than the county fair.
In order to win $130 worth of fast food gift cards, I asked you all to create your own dream fast food item, regardless of cost, health damage or feasibility. I said I would choose the one I liked the sound of the best, which gave the edge to those who've been paying close attention to my fast food reviews generally.
This was still a tough decision, even once I ruled out the redundancies (as I always say, look at your competition - if three people already submitted a Thanksgiving dinner sandwich idea, yours will probably not win).More >>
Meet the Kegerator, a.k.a. the greatest device in the world not to give happy endings (yet). It comes pre-loaded with 140 classic arcade games - the actual, original programs, so that all your old tips and tricks will still work - has built in MP3 software to create your own accompanying music playlist, and comes with a built-in fridge, cup-holders and three beer taps. As the press release puts it, "players never have to stop the action to refill their drink."
I don't know how you folks are with beer, but if a lot of it is being consumed, I can think of at least one reason the action might need to be paused. Unless there's a future model planned with built-in urinals.
Still, PS4 and Xbox One got nothing on this ultimate machine...er, except price. The Kegerator costs five thousand dollars. But it's not like you'll ever need to leave the house once you have one, so you can always sell your car.
I'm pretty terrible at taking care of myself, something you might have been able to guess by the fact that I'm obviously sitting in front of a computer most of the day. But even I would not normally subject myself to four of these things.
The Munchie Meal is basically Jack in the Box's attempt to make something even more crazily grease and carb heavy than its usual menu items, and considering one of their usual items is deep-fried, cheese-filled jalapenos dipped in buttermilk sauce, that's not just heavy - it's Chris Christie heavy. It's a good thing the hard liquor I drink probably thins the blood, because I think my arteries just quadruply constricted in the past couple of weeks.
Was it worth it? Read on and learn...More >>
Mushrooms are a fungus, like athlete's foot and and any number of itchy afflictions in your other moist areas. They are also grown in shit. So making them actually sexy...well, it's a bit of a challenge. Or so you'd think. But then the Japanese people don't tend to think like we do.
In a series of commercials by the Hokto mushroom brand, a woman preparing to buy, eat or cook mushrooms suddenly finds herself in the presence of a super-sexy dude with mushrooms for earrings, who gives her immediate orgasms solely from his amazing mushroominess. If this is how the Japanese view mushrooms all the time, it's no wonder Mario will go through all manner of tortures to get the girl. The effects would clearly be less fun on your own (for that, of course, we have lattes).
The ads don't have subtitles, but they don't need them. Just watch...More >>
When a spoof that's French!
Needs a skit that's good!
Who you gonna do?
Les Guignols de l'info (News Puppets) is a liberal-leaning French puppet show based on current events, though, as this skit shows (I think - mon francais c'est not so good), they're equally willing to take on Socialist president Francois Hollande, wondering in this skit if he'll melt faster than a giant block of Camembert cheese.
Though the appeal here will be in seeing the Mythbusters guys as fluently French caricatures, it's interesting to note that jokes about French cheese and spinelessness appear in even left-leaning spoofs of themselves. Embedding is disabled on this video because not everyone in France is soft, so hit the link to watch.
Lou Lou P's
Lou Lou P's Delights claim to be purveyors of edible art and "bespoke cakes." But I don't want this anywhere near my mouth. Or my stomach. Or my eyes, really.
But you know how this goes: I share terrible things with you because I can.
And it could have been worse. Like, Dom DeLuise worse.
In entirely unrelated but equally terrible news, a sequel to It's a Wonderful Life is happening. I suggest any movie theaters playing it offer the Burt Reynolds eclair as a snack, because anybody attending clearly just hates themselves that much already.
I eat the fast food and report back - you reap the rewards. In a giveaway you can really use in these tough economic times, I am offering $80 in Jack in the Box gift cards and $50 in Del Taco. All to one lucky individual.
Quesadillas. Jalapeno poppers. Cheeseburgers. Teriyaki bowls. Cheesecake. All within your grasp, many times over.
In case you're wondering, Jack in the Box has locations in Arizona, California, Colorado, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Louisiana, Missouri, Nevada, New Mexico, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Utah and Washington.
Del Taco has locations in California, Oregon, Washington, Michigan, Arizona, Colorado, Idaho, Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, Alabama, Utah, Texas, Florida and several U.S, military bases both national and global.
To win this, all you have to do is play fantasy fast food chef. First, make sure you have a registered commenter account with a valid email address (it's free and I don't spam you. Ask anyone.)
Second: in comments below, pitch me the ultimate fast food item you would create if you had unlimited resources and could magically make it non-damaging to my waistline in any way; and tell me which chain would carry it. The one that sounds the best to me is the one I will select as the winner. Feel free to elaborate with more than just a bare-bones ingredients description. The contest is open to anyone, but probably best for someone who lives near a Del Taco and Jack in the Box. Enter as often as you wish.
Get your circulatory systems ready, because someone's bringing home awesome grease! But unlike drive-throughs, this contest won't stay open 24-7 forever; make sure your entry is in by noon on Friday, Nov. 22nd, 2013.
I've been writing about fast food for five years, but only recently did the purveyors of said foodstuffs take an interest. Drive an hour and a half to be among the first to taste-test new Del Taco product? Hellz yeah, that sounds like something worthwhile. It was an interesting experience - part press conference, part life as a guinea pig. And at the end of it all I'm among the first to review stuff that won't be available to the public for another two days...and in some cases may never make it out of testing.More >>