I have gone on record as being for Japanese toilets in general, and their washlet function -- a small water sprayer that cleans your butt far more effectively than toilet paper ever could -- in specific. I understand many folks think the idea of getting anally power-washed is weird, but I'd suggest trying to clean your asshole with dry paper is far weirder (think about it -- if your pet shits on the floor, do you try and clean it up with nothing but paper towels? Of course not).  I wish they'd catch on here.

I bring this up because the Japanese TV show Toribia no Izumi performed an experiment recently... and that being what would happen to a person if a normal toilet washlet was replaced with a fucking fire hose. They got a toilet, a local fire department and a mannequin of a young boy, put it all together, and this is the result:

I'm not going to lie; I think I could watch that dummy get shot off the toilet forever. And no, I have no fucking clue what the dude in the creepy moose-man outfit is supposed to be. (Via Japan Probe)

Man. I've been so caught up in post-NY Toy Fair madness that I totally forgot to mention that Sega's Aliens Vs. Predator game came out yesterday. Since I've been posted at least one video a week of its alien-on-human-on-Predator violence -- and yes, that's another one up above, looking at some of the deathmatch gameplay -- I feel I should have mentioned that the game came out. Can any Topless Roboteers out there confirm or deny the game's awesomeness?

​
I'm a Mac lover. I'm sure this appalls many of you, but I'm not a big tech guy, and Macs are right in my comfort zone. I love my MacBook and my iPhone, but even I couldn't give less of a shit about the new iPad (since it's an off amalgamation of the two Apple products I currently own). That is, until I saw Gizmodo's article on Panelfly's upcoming iPad-specific comic book app, which looks like if it isn't the future of American comics, it should be.

Seriously. It's got a big color screen, an easy interface for flipping through books, and it'll be easy to navigate. There'll be no printing cost, prices can go down from $4 a goddamn comic (seriously, that's absurd) and likely more people will get into Marvel and DC titles when they're only $1 or $2 a pop in an easy-to-browse iTunes-like store. Seriously, assuming that the iPad has 1/4 of the success the iPhone and iPod have had, if Marvel and DC don't get on this thing immediately, they're crazy. All the small publishers should already be begging Panelfly to be a part of this thing.

What? Did you say you wanted another terrifying fake baby? You got it!

Yotaro here isn't a traditional horrifying robot baby because 1) it's stuck in a crib (although it has motorized nubs to simulate movement under it's blanket [and goddamn if that's not the weirdest fucking sentence I've ever written]) plus it's more than 50% head. But that's not even close to the only reason why Yotaro wll haunt your nightmares tonight, as it also:

• Can be cheered with a rattle
• He can be petted, which seems very wrong
• Can cry, actually producing tears and leaking fluid from his nose
• Gets paler in areas where pressed, which cannot possibly have any useful purpose, and if anything will teach people to press babies in the face

JAPAN, STOP MAKING FAKE BABIES. GODDAMMIT, I SWEAR YOU'RE TRYING TO DESTROY THE HUMAN RACE ON PURPOSE. (Via Japan Probe)

​Well, it's officially the future. We've passed the first decade of the 21st Century and are now moving forward into the years that much of science fiction speculated about. Of primary concern are robots (science fiction is pretty much 95% robot-related stories, and 5% giant insects).

As our technology in robotics continues to improve, there's pretty much zero chance we'll avoid creating a robot that will kill humans -- the only two questions are 1) will we do this accidentally or on purpose, and 2) how many humans will these robots kill, some or all? I think there's a good chance in the coming decade that some robots we are working on right this very minute will become dangerous and commit several brutal human murders, if not bring about humanity's grisly end. Here are 10 robots currently in existence that are likely candidates to do either.

So some dude built a phaser. Like, a real one. From bits of a Blu-ray player, an old Playmates phaser toy, and some other stuff. I don't think it could kill anyone, but it would certainly stun them if you shot them in the eyes with it -- since they'd be painfully blinded, possibly for life. However, it can certainly kill the fuck out of some balloons, as this demonstrative video shows. You can read about how he made it here if you want to murder some balloons yourself. and if we ever find a planet inhabited entirely by balloon people, we are fucking set. (Via Gamma Squad)

No, not like that, thank goodness. But now there's a video of someone -- assumably World's Creepiest Friend Doublas Hines -- discussing Roxxxy's benefits at the Adult Entertainment Expo. Now, a lot of you defended Roxxxy yesterday, pointing out that she could offer companionship to people who genuinely can't function in society and are desperately lonely; it's a noble thought, and indeed, Hines says himself in the video (before someone dubs over it and makes fun of the thing) that it's the companionship that's is Roxxxy's greatest asset, which is why she has five distinct personalities for the desperately lonely to choose from.

Unfortunately, this is bullshit. Seriously, guys, I wish you were right and Hines was telling the truth, but please:
• Roxxxy has been designed with three functional orifices. These are not needed
• Two of her five "personalities" include "S&M Susan" and "Young."
• In fact, all the "personalities" are based on sex. Also, "Young" is not a personality.
• She's showing off the Adult Entertainment Expo, not CES, a robotics conference, or the World Personality Symposium 
• This quote from Hines, which still makes me shudder with disgust:

"She can't vacuum, she can't cook but she can do almost anything else if you know what I mean."

So... yeah. It was a noble thought. But Roxxxy is for humping, not for helping. Sorry.

​And speaking of robots with sex organs (from AFP):

Billed as a world first, Roxxxy the sex robot made here debut in front of adoring fans at the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas. The life-size robotic girlfriend comes complete with complete with artificial intelligence and flesh-like synthetic skin.

"She can't vacuum, she can't cook but she can do almost anything else if you know what I mean," TrueCompanion's Douglas Hines said while introducing AFP to Roxxxy. "She's a companion. She has a personality. She hears you. She listens to you. She speaks. She feels your touch. She goes to sleep. We are trying to replicate a personality of a person."

Roxxxy stands five feet, seven inches tall, weighs 120 pounds, "has a full C cup and is ready for action," according to Hines, who was an artificial intelligence engineer at Bell Labs before starting TrueCompanion.

The anatomically-correct robot has an articulated skeleton that can move like a person but can't walk or independently move its limbs. Robotic movement is built into "the three inputs" and a mechanical heart that powers a liquid cooling system.

Roxxxy comes with five personalities. Wild Wendy is outgoing and adventurous, while Frigid Farrah is reserved and shy. There is a young naive personality along with a Mature Martha that Hines described as having a "matriarchal kind of caring." S & M Susan is geared for more adventurous types. Aspiring partners can customize Roxxxy features, including race, hair color and breast size. A male sex robot named "Rocky" is in development.

People ordering the robots online at truecompanion.com detail their tastes and interests much like online dating sites but here, the information is used to get the mechanical girlfriend in synch with her mate. "She knows exactly what you like," Hines said of Roxxxy, noting that Rocky will also come with personalities."If you like Porsches, she likes Porsches. If you like soccer, she likes soccer."

Roxxxy will chat with her flesh-and-blood mate, and touching her elicits comments varying according to personalities. She is wirelessly linked to the Internet for software updates, technical support and to send her man email messages. People can customize "true companion" personalities and then share the programs with others online on the company's website, according to Hines.

"Just think about wife or girlfriend swapping without actually giving the person to someone else," Hines said. "You can share the personality online."

Well. That all seems very high tech and perverse. It's a shame you can't have a robot this advanced not look  LIKE A SHAMBLING HORROR FROM SLUT HELL. Jesus, I wouldn't put my penis in this thing if you paid me $7000. But would you like to hear the worst part? And when I say "worst," I mean the most awful fucking thing you've heard in your entire life?

Inspiration for the sex robot sprang from the September 11, 2001 attacks, when planes crashed into the World Trade Center in New York City, the Pentagon and an empty field in Pennsylvania.

"I had a friend who passed away in 9/11," Hines said. "I promised myself I would create a program to store his personality, and that became the foundation for Roxxxy True Companion."

Well. I'm sure your friend is resting easy -- what possible legacy could be greater than inspiring your pervert buddy to make ugly robots people can hump? ARRGGH. Sir, I hope to hell your fuck-bot's vagina shorts out and you die via electrocution of the penis. Although you deserve far, far worse. Thanks to Nicholas and Jason for the tip.

If there is seriously a use for Microsoft's crazy-ass Surfacescapes tech besides Dungeons & Dragons, I have no idea what it might be. Admittedly, I'm not a major tech guy, but the only times I ever hear about the Surface is when it's debuting some new D&D functionality, which I think is both hilarious and awesome. This new video demonstrates the combat, rolling dice, and most importantly, the Dungeon Master's screen (i.e., his laptop, connected to the surface). God help me, I could watch this shit all day. (Via Kotaku)

Beer, made from wheat, that was grown in space -- it's times like this that I remember Japan's insanity can be used for good as well as evil. Unlike Imperial Stout Trooper, for a sip of which I would sell my dearest loved ones into the white slave trade (White slavers! Email me!), I'm not to worried about having a space beer. Sure, I'd like to have one, but I'm not going to go crazy if I don't. Why? Well, possibly because it's such a limited edition brew anyways, and because I have no plans to go to Japan any time soon. And because I can't help but think it probably tastes like hell. It's wheat grown in space, man. I don't what it tastes like, but if it tastes like regular wheat we should all consider ourselves lucky.