Topless Robot

R2-D2 Is a Terrible Role Model

Tue, 13 May 2008 15:59:46 -0800

Valued and ruggedly good-looking TR reader Highway Gimp sent me this gem, which I can't believe I haven't seen before. A Star Wars anti-smoking ad makes sense, but to have R2-D2—the most kid-friendly character in the original trilogy and a goddamn robot, it might be noted—be the one who smokes? Pure bliss. The fact that Artoo takes a moment to argue the benefits of smoking with Threepio? Also awesome. But the delightful icing on the cake of pure madness which is this commercial is the final moment, where a scared, sad C-3PO begs for Artoo to confirm his nonexistent humanity, only to get one awkward beep. Just fabulous.

When You See Misshapen Penises, Sony Would Like You to Think of PlayStation

Tue, 13 May 2008 15:01:23 -0800

I'm really sorry to run two dick-centered headlines in a row, but Sony has left me no choice by creating the most disturbing advertisement for anything ever. You can see the safe portion of the PlayStation 3 ad above, and please rest assured what's below is disturbing beyond words, even if those words are HE HAS A THUMB FOR PENIS. Jesus, it's small and weird looking and very well photoshopped which makes it worse and he's still got pubic hair and I just want to cry and cry and tear out my eyeballs and please, please please don't hit the jump to see the whole thing, lest your face melt off, Ark of the Covenant-style.

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Fraggle Rock Out with Your Fraggle Cock Out

Tue, 13 May 2008 14:08:08 -0800

I hold a great deal of love in my heart for the Muppets, but I cannot say the same for Fraggle Rock. For some reason, a show about an entire colony of mis-shapen creatures living in the crawl spaces of and underneath buildings did not appeal to me; I think I thought they would mistake me for being friendly and/or happy to see them, and they would drag me against my will to their underground lair when in fact I hated and feared them (I felt the same way about E.T., actually. I was a very frightened child). Also, I'm still pretty sure Doozer Sticks and Crystal Meth are the same thing.

At any rate, the Fraggles are coming back, as the Devil—through his minions the Weinsteins—has ordered the creation of a Fraggle Rock musical/movie. Sez Variety:

Cory Edwards, who directed the animated "Hoodwinked!" for TWC, will helm the picture and write the screenplay. The Jim Henson Co. will produce and TWC will distribute.

Sez me: Bleagh. But it does remind me that I need to set some rat traps in my basement.

DVD Day: May 13th, 2008

Tue, 13 May 2008 12:04:35 -0800

• Indiana Jones: The Adventure Collection
I'm not exactly sure why I'm bothering to list other DVDs, since we'll almost all be buying this pack of special editions of the Indiana Jones trilogy, despite have bought them previously. Still. if a few of you are strong enough to resist this callous play for more of our cash, your other options are below.

• Stargate Infinity: The Complete Series
This is the Stargate cartoon, not any of the live-action stuff. Are there Stargate fans who loves the shows but find the cartoon silly? That amuses me.

• Classic Sci-Fi Ultimate Collection 1 & 2
This mega-pack of old, low-budget sci-fi includes Tarantula, Mole People, Incredible Shrinking Man, Monolith Monsters, Monster on the Campus, Dr. Cyclops, Cult of the Cobra, Land Unknown, Deadly Mantis, and Leech Woman.

• Shin-Chan: Season 1 Part 1
Thirteen episodes of the Japanese family show which runs on Adult Swim.

• Tobor the Great
If you recognize that Tobor is Robot spelled backwards, you know everything you need to about this '50s sci-fi flick.

• Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers Vol. 1
Space cowboys animated in Japan for America. This DVD set is by the same folks who did all the He-Man DVDs, so it's loaded with extras. And the cover is kind of insanely awesome as well.

• Honey & Clover
A live-action version of the shojo manga, full of romantic triangles for the nerdy girls and cute Japanese girls for the nerdy boys.

• The Incredible Hulk Returns / Trial of the Incredible Hulk
Dudes—$9 will buy you two awesome Hulk TV movies with Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno! The first one stars Thor, who looks nothing like his comic counterpart, and the second stars Daredevil who I believe wears all-black pajamas. Fantastic!

Pitfall Harry Climbs Out of the Tar Pit to Give the Wii a Chance

Tue, 13 May 2008 11:02:46 -0800

Here's how awesome the original Pitfall game was for the Atari 2600—even though the series hasn't been good since Pitfall II (also for the Atari 2600, and a bonafide masterpiece in my opinion) I'm always excited when a new Pitfall game is announced...right up to the time it's released. Here's the good news: Activision is putting Pitfall: The Big Adventure for the Wii, and using the Wii-more to swing on vines over crocodile pits seems like the greatest idea ever. Also good: Activision mentions a "retro-cool Pitfall Harry."

I have a proposal for you, Activision—just own the classic 2600, and make Harry a bunch of 3-D blocks. In fact, have the whole world look like the 2600 game, but in 3-D. See, when you update Harry, he's been either realistic and mediocre (the PlayStation version) or looked like Leisure Suit Larry and fucking terrible (everything else). Either way, we all just want the original version whose head was connected ever so slightly to his body by a single pixel.

Fucking tar pits. (Via Kotaku)

Amok Time Screams for Blacula

Tue, 13 May 2008 10:15:01 -0800

I don't know if any of toy store-turned-toymaker Amok Time's figures have actually come out yet, but damn if they still aren't picking up some awesome licenses. Just announced: Killer Clowns from Outer space, It! the Terror from Beyond, and most importantly, the only vampire with soul, Blacula! The Klowns will be 6-inch figures in scale with NECA's Movie Maniacs, It! will be a 12-inch scale figure (meaning he's a towering 13 and a 1/2 inches), and Blacula will be 12-inches of awesomeness. They aren't even available for pre-order yet, but I had to share the good news.

Metal Gear Solid 4 Is Like a (Really Goofy) Movie

Tue, 13 May 2008 09:08:14 -0800

There was a big Metal Gear Solid 4 press event in Japan today, and a number of videos have made it out. None of them are as interesting as this full-fledged movie-style trailer for the game, complete with that movie announcer guy whose voice everybody recognizes and no one actually knows. It really doesn't show anything new or amazing, but it does feature the goofiest use of the word "solid" I think I've ever seen in connection with the series, and that's saying something.

The 5 Coolest and 5 Lamest Viewmaster Slides Ever Made

Tue, 13 May 2008 05:05:03 -0800

By Brian Heiler

Long before Betamax came and transformed the entertainment world, kids had only one choice to enjoy their favorite movies and TV shows off the screen—the Viewmaster. These plastic doohickeys had the awesome benefit of showing pictures in 3-D, but had the drawback of only being able to show about a dozen pictures per slide. It was certainly crude and low-tech, but you have to remember there was no internet and video games comprised entirely of one ball and two squiggly lines. At their best, Viewmasters were highly innovative and wonderful, at their worst, they are great fodder for a list. We've decided to showcase the Viewmaster's five highest highs and lowest lows.

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Patrick Batman Says Criminals and Women Are a Superstituous, Cowardly Lot Who Should Be Stabbed

Mon, 12 May 2008 15:56:17 -0800

Sorry, but "Patrick Batman" is no typo. See, there are some new Dark Knight TV commercials out there, but frankly, I'm bored of posting new trailers today. So you get this little gem from the exquisitely named blog Geekanerd. I can tell you that I would have enjoyed Batman Begins a lot more if Batman had dropped a chainsaw on Katie Holmes to the sounds of Huey Lewis. Wouldn't you?

Oh, Yeah, WiiWare Is Here

Mon, 12 May 2008 15:01:16 -0800

I nearly forgot. WiiWare—the thing that's exactly like the Wii's Virtual Console but has new cheap games instead of old cheap games—is launching today with six different titles. I'm most exacted about the manic Defend Your Castle as I absolutely love brutality against stick men (enough so that this is the second time I've posted the video above), but I imagine most folks will be downloading Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles: My Life as a King. That leaves Lost Winds, which I haven't heard of until today, as it's being advertised in many places that are not TR, something called Pop, then VIP Casino Blackjack and TV Show King, which are a waste of my time to even type and waste of your time to even read. My apologies.

Toys of the Week: DC Universe Wave 2

Mon, 12 May 2008 14:15:08 -0800

I honestly don't know how Mattel's DC Universe figures will do. I mean, unlike Marvel, after the JLA, DC doesn't have the stars that Marvel does. But I do know if DCU tanks, it won't be for lack of trying—these figures look great, thanks to the amazing He-Man sculptors the Four Horsemen, and the character selections are awesome (for now). I'll be picking up a Harley Quinn as soon as I find her, and even though I'm not a Firestorm or Black Manta fan, they both look so good I'm actually considered picking them up as well. And frankly, I love that Mattel had the balls to put Superman Red n' Blue in this second wave. That kind of chutzpah should be rewarded with sale; you can buy the whole set from Entertainment Earth right here, if you don't want to stalk the toy shelves.

And Heeeeeeeeeere's Goku

Mon, 12 May 2008 12:05:22 -0800

...and back to the irksome movie news. Here's the first pic of Justin Chatwin as Goku in the live-action Dragonball movie, courtesy of the Japanese Shonen Jump. Besides his overmoussed hair and American Eagle clothes and dull expression and the fact that none of the actors in this thing look at all like Akira Toriyama's original manga, I guess it's okay. Except for all that. Here's a translation of the Japanese text, courtesy of DB the Movie:

I’ll grant you a wish…!!

Rumor after rumor but [now] Dragonball live action movie finally comes true ! Director James Wong of Final Destination, and producer the revolutionary film maker Stephen Chow of Shaolin Soccer. Remarkable casts are Son Goku is Justin Chatwin who played Tom Cruise’s son at Steven Spielberg movie War of the Worlds, and Master Roshi is Chow Yun-Fat of Pirates of the Caribbean.

All Dragonball fan’s wish are granted now ! We will continue to offer new information to you on Jump Cinema Island !

And the Chinese character on the Goku’s T-shirts is “Un”(means luck, fate, fortune)

I don't think I'm wrong in thinking this movie will need all the luck/fate/fortune it can get.

Crush the Stuffed Animals Who Oppose You with Gundam Slippers

Mon, 12 May 2008 11:05:44 -0800

After some disappointing movie news, it's nice to see something done right—slippers in the shape of Gundam's iconic foot, which even make the Gundam walking noise when worn. Sure, they might look too cute and comfortable to frighten your 5-year-old sister, but if your stuffed animals have declared independence and destroyed most of Earth's population in a treacherous sneak attack, I imagine a bunny or teddy bear might cower before their might. (Via Danny Choo)

New Clone Wars Trailer Reveals Lucas Is Just Screwing with Star Wars on Purpose

Mon, 12 May 2008 10:04:27 -0800

I can't fucking stand it. A whole goddamn galaxy to explore, and yet, everything of consequence that happens in the Star Wars universe is always ON GODDAMN TATOOINE. A whole galaxy of alien races and people to meet, and yet HERE'S JABBA THE FUCKING HUTT AGAIN. And if you can somehow dismiss the stunning lack of creativity, you can't explain why Obi-Wan decided to hide Luke there after Revenge of the Sith. "Well, Anakin was born there, his mother died there, and he served several major Clone Wars campaigns there. But I'm sure he wouldn't think to look for his son on Tatooine."

Perhaps the New X-Files Movie Should Have Been Called I Want to Understand

Mon, 12 May 2008 09:12:04 -0800

Please enjoy this totally incomprehensible X-Files 2 movie trailer while I look for an embeddable version of the new, infuriating Clone Wars trailer. Look, Chris Carter—the reason I stopped watching X-Files in the first place is because I didn't know what the fuck was going on. After seeing this trailer, I also have no idea what the fuck is going on in the new movie, either. I do not find that appealing. Also, I'd like to punch you in the balls.