Our Adventures at the First-Ever Hello Kitty Con

Friday, October 31, 2014 at 1:10 pm

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"Hello, Kitty. I want to play a game..."

For those who haven't been following along on Twitter, I've spent the last two days at Hello Kitty Con, which was every bit as strange as one might expect. Unlike at Comic-Con, the press preview night was strictly for press, and gave attendees space to walk around and shop with ease. Like Comic-Con, the next day was utterly insane, with lines that went on forever and Internet/phones getting their signals choked out.

What strikes me as unusual about Hello Kitty - which may be more common for girl toys, such as Barbie - is that even though there are comics, cartoons and such, her strength lies in being a bit of a blank slate for people to project whatever they wish onto her. Nobody at the Con, for example, would have an argument over what Hello Kitty would or would not do, because she can do anything you want. Except NOT sell endless reams of expensive, exclusive merchandise.

I put together a featurette for your entertainment...

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Somebody Found a Way to Make Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland Even Creepier (Also Entertaining)

Friday, October 31, 2014 at 8:00 am

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Take a character from the forced-weirdness, trying-too-hard, "quirky" retelling of Lewis Carroll...then recreate her with a soul-devouring puppet head, several Playing Card soldiers controlled by rods emanating from her outfit, and add disco and dance tunes. This old fashioned feat of engineering, cosplay and dancing ability is immediately way cooler than anything Tim Burton managed to do with all the 3D post-converted CGI in the world.

Just don't stare too long into the eyes you see pictured above. Nothing lives there.

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GWAR's Tribute to Late Lead Singer Oderus Is a Pet Shop Boys Cover

Wednesday, October 29, 2014 at 10:00 am

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What did you expect - "Tears in Heaven"?

The AV Club has an ongoing feature where they invite bands in to do unlikely covers from a limited list, and GWAR were game - though they turn their metal take on "West End Girls" into a totally new tune at the end that focuses on the untimely death of Dave Brockie/Oderus Urungus.

Is it weirder than when The Pet Shop Boys covered Elvis? You be the judge...

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I READ YOUR FANFIC! Anthropomorphized "America" Gets Raped by McDonald's Happy Meals

Friday, October 10, 2014 at 5:22 pm

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If you want to submit fan fiction for me to read, please send it - or a link to it - to toplessrobot-at-gmail-dot-com with subject line "Read my Fanfic!"

Title: "America Goes To McDonald's And Never Comes Back (Part 1 of 2)" by Konata101

Logline: "America," a nation embodied herein by an overweight man with glasses named Alfred, investigates an empty McDonald's. Or so he thinks. It's full of evil, homicidal Happy Meals who proceed to have their way with him.

Acts Involved: Guro, oral rape, force-feeding, bone-breaking, anal violation, enema fetish, anal gang-rape

Participants: America, the McDonald's Happy Meal creatures.

The Live Reading/Performance...

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If North Korea Ever Goes to War Against Cinderblocks, They'll Probably Totally Win

Wednesday, September 3, 2014 at 4:00 pm

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Their missiles fail, their military starves...but by golly, the North Korean army can put together a martial arts demonstration that's at least as good as the TV commercial made by that guy down at the strip mall who has a framed photo of Chuck Norris in his window!

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I READ YOUR FANFIC! "The Quest for the Holey Grail Part 2" by KingAurthr2

Friday, August 29, 2014 at 8:00 am

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If you want to submit fan fiction for me to read, please send it - or a link to it - to toplessrobot-at-gmail-dot-com with subject line "Read my Fanfic!"

The real quest is my quest to get through the dumbest fucking thing I have ever read and maintain my composure. We're not there yet, but Greg and I give it our all in another "exciting" installment of this all-out assault on spelling, grammar and logic.

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7 Hilarious U.S. Rip-Offs at England's Drayton Manor Theme Park

Thursday, August 28, 2014 at 6:00 am

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One of the ways to lure my wife to England for a vacation was the promise of seeing the Harry Potter studio tour outside of London. The other was Thomas the Tank Engine Land, which is a small corner of the larger theme park called Drayton Manor. Thematically, the larger park is a bit disjointed - it wants to have something for everyone, and thus there's no overarching theme. You have the Thomas rides for kids, from which adults without accompanying minors are actually banned; a small zoo tucked away from everything else that mostly seems to have emus; various high-intensity thrill rides, various not-so-thrilling rides, and rather disappointing food stands.

One thing that is clear is that whoever designed the park based parts of it on popular American theme parks...apparently without entirely understanding why. If Disneyland and Universal Studios are Superman, Drayton at times feels like Bizarro's cube-world...or an Axel Braun porn parody without any naked people. Here are its strangest interpretations of American attractions...

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Live-Action Remake of "Prince Adam Sings Four Non-Blondes" Meme

Tuesday, August 26, 2014 at 11:30 am

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Today just turned out to be a day for weird fan fiction somehow. I don't try to have thematically similar posts, but sometimes the Cosmic Enforcers just seem to will it.

So anyway, YouTuber Real T. Dragon decided to direct a live cosplay of that one video where He-Man's even more gaily clad secret identity Prince Adam sings along to Four Non-Blondes. It's not as mind-melting as the versions of that meme which just repeat the chorus for hours on a loop - but it does have a female Furry as Cringer.

Which is something you just can't beat.

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Top-Down Smackdown: Guess What - Cena Turned Heel a Long Time Ago

Monday, August 25, 2014 at 5:21 pm

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It's the most common lament of the modern wrestling fan: "Why won't John Cena turn heel?"

And yet, in a time when characters portrayed as out and out villains - like Bray Wyatt and Wade Barrett - get loud cheers everywhere they go, you need to ask yourself what a heel actually is.

A heel in pro-wrestling is a guy the fans hate, who's good at egging them on to hate him, always getting booked in matches where the stipulations ought to finally lead to his comeuppance only to escape intact, and occasionally, at big-ticket events, the guy who finally gets his ass righteously whupped to send the fans home happy.

Beg pardon, but...you do realize John Cena fulfills ALL of these conditions, right?

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Tags: John Cena, WWE

The 11 Coolest Things at the 2014 J-POP SUMMIT Festival in San Francisco

Friday, July 25, 2014 at 6:00 am

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The sixth annual J-POP SUMMIT Festival was held in San Francisco's Japantown over the weekend of July 19-20, 2014. It was fun and exhilarating and loud and crowded (a serious crowd of humanity in the space of a few blocks) and full of unexpected and wonderful things. Here are some of those things - and it's not even all Hatsune Miku, but there's a lot of her, too.

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