I READ YOUR FANFIC! Anthropomorphized "America" Gets Raped by McDonald's Happy Meals

Friday, October 10, 2014 at 5:22 pm

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If you want to submit fan fiction for me to read, please send it - or a link to it - to toplessrobot-at-gmail-dot-com with subject line "Read my Fanfic!"

Title: "America Goes To McDonald's And Never Comes Back (Part 1 of 2)" by Konata101

Logline: "America," a nation embodied herein by an overweight man with glasses named Alfred, investigates an empty McDonald's. Or so he thinks. It's full of evil, homicidal Happy Meals who proceed to have their way with him.

Acts Involved: Guro, oral rape, force-feeding, bone-breaking, anal violation, enema fetish, anal gang-rape

Participants: America, the McDonald's Happy Meal creatures.

The Live Reading/Performance...

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If North Korea Ever Goes to War Against Cinderblocks, They'll Probably Totally Win

Wednesday, September 3, 2014 at 4:00 pm

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Their missiles fail, their military starves...but by golly, the North Korean army can put together a martial arts demonstration that's at least as good as the TV commercial made by that guy down at the strip mall who has a framed photo of Chuck Norris in his window!

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I READ YOUR FANFIC! "The Quest for the Holey Grail Part 2" by KingAurthr2

Friday, August 29, 2014 at 8:00 am

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If you want to submit fan fiction for me to read, please send it - or a link to it - to toplessrobot-at-gmail-dot-com with subject line "Read my Fanfic!"

The real quest is my quest to get through the dumbest fucking thing I have ever read and maintain my composure. We're not there yet, but Greg and I give it our all in another "exciting" installment of this all-out assault on spelling, grammar and logic.

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7 Hilarious U.S. Rip-Offs at England's Drayton Manor Theme Park

Thursday, August 28, 2014 at 6:00 am

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One of the ways to lure my wife to England for a vacation was the promise of seeing the Harry Potter studio tour outside of London. The other was Thomas the Tank Engine Land, which is a small corner of the larger theme park called Drayton Manor. Thematically, the larger park is a bit disjointed - it wants to have something for everyone, and thus there's no overarching theme. You have the Thomas rides for kids, from which adults without accompanying minors are actually banned; a small zoo tucked away from everything else that mostly seems to have emus; various high-intensity thrill rides, various not-so-thrilling rides, and rather disappointing food stands.

One thing that is clear is that whoever designed the park based parts of it on popular American theme parks...apparently without entirely understanding why. If Disneyland and Universal Studios are Superman, Drayton at times feels like Bizarro's cube-world...or an Axel Braun porn parody without any naked people. Here are its strangest interpretations of American attractions...

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Live-Action Remake of "Prince Adam Sings Four Non-Blondes" Meme

Tuesday, August 26, 2014 at 11:30 am

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Today just turned out to be a day for weird fan fiction somehow. I don't try to have thematically similar posts, but sometimes the Cosmic Enforcers just seem to will it.

So anyway, YouTuber Real T. Dragon decided to direct a live cosplay of that one video where He-Man's even more gaily clad secret identity Prince Adam sings along to Four Non-Blondes. It's not as mind-melting as the versions of that meme which just repeat the chorus for hours on a loop - but it does have a female Furry as Cringer.

Which is something you just can't beat.

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Top-Down Smackdown: Guess What - Cena Turned Heel a Long Time Ago

Monday, August 25, 2014 at 5:21 pm

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It's the most common lament of the modern wrestling fan: "Why won't John Cena turn heel?"

And yet, in a time when characters portrayed as out and out villains - like Bray Wyatt and Wade Barrett - get loud cheers everywhere they go, you need to ask yourself what a heel actually is.

A heel in pro-wrestling is a guy the fans hate, who's good at egging them on to hate him, always getting booked in matches where the stipulations ought to finally lead to his comeuppance only to escape intact, and occasionally, at big-ticket events, the guy who finally gets his ass righteously whupped to send the fans home happy.

Beg pardon, but...you do realize John Cena fulfills ALL of these conditions, right?

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Tags: John Cena, WWE

The 11 Coolest Things at the 2014 J-POP SUMMIT Festival in San Francisco

Friday, July 25, 2014 at 6:00 am

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The sixth annual J-POP SUMMIT Festival was held in San Francisco's Japantown over the weekend of July 19-20, 2014. It was fun and exhilarating and loud and crowded (a serious crowd of humanity in the space of a few blocks) and full of unexpected and wonderful things. Here are some of those things - and it's not even all Hatsune Miku, but there's a lot of her, too.

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28 Things To Do and See at Comic-Con That Aren't Movie, TV or Comics Panels

Tuesday, July 22, 2014 at 6:00 am

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Well, we've spent the past week giving you detailed previews about what to expect from this year's San Diego Comic Con when it comes to films, television, comics, and various exclusives, but now it's time to take a step back and look at everything else this show has to offer...as written by a man who admittedly has never been to any incarnation of Comic Con before.

But now that I've had an insane load of various panels, programs and events dumped into my lap to look at, it actually did get to me thinking that as a first-timer of sorts, what could the behemoth that is SDCC offer that tickles my fancy the most? Where would I go there, assuming I also had infinite money and could be in two places or more at the same time? Well, let's take a look and find out, and maybe highlight some places all of you had best check out as well...

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EXCLUSIVE: Producer Jason Blum on The Purge: Anarchy, Paranormal Activity 5, Amityville and JEM

Wednesday, July 16, 2014 at 1:00 pm

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Blumhouse Productions

Name any popular low-budget horror franchise right now, and Jason Blum is probably behind it. Paranormal Activity, Sinister, Insidious, the upcoming Amityville reboot...most of them films that sell the concept rather than a big-name star, and many of which take place primarily on one location.

The Purge: Anarchy breaks the mold a bit, by taking characters outside to the streets of Los Angeles on the annual night when all laws (with some exceptions, like the ones keeping the government intact) are suspended. For the larger canvas, we can thank not only the success of the first film, but also the interactive theater attraction The Purge: Fear the Night, which has spawned yet another live experience, this time a touring adventure in which teams of six participants must solve puzzles, Resident Evil style, to make it through a madman's house before time runs out and he comes home to kill you.

Also, Blum's doing the Jem movie. Yes, really. And it's one of many things he spoke to us about...

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Monty Python Live (Mostly) Will Be Simulcast in U.S. Theaters

Friday, July 11, 2014 at 1:00 pm

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"Monty Python Live (mostly)" will be broadcast live to cinemas on Sunday, July 20 at 2:30 pm ET/1:30 pm CT/12:30 pm MT/11:30 am PT, with additional showings scheduled on Wednesday, July 23 and Thursday, July 24 at 7:30 pm local time.

This event will be simulcast live from London to more than 420 movie theaters across the country. Tickets are available online at FathomEvents.com. Theater locations are listed here.

"What could be finer at the end of a long life in comedy, than a chance to reunite with old pals and say goodbye to all our fans in one final mad musical show," said Eric Idle. "We are very excited that not only do we get the chance to screw up on stage, we get a chance to screw up live in cinemas too."

What could be finer? I can't answer that. But I can offer something fun and related. Watch the 10-minute highlight reel of their press conference below, and do a shot every time Terry Gilliam looks uncomfortable to be there. You'll have a pretty fine buzz in no time.

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