Topless Robot Visits a Sex Dungeon

Thursday, January 22, 2015 at 9:00 am

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In the unusual Japanese film (but I repeat myself) R100, which opens tomorrow in theaters and on-demand and you should see, a man signs himself up for a dominatrix service that operates like Kato in the Pink Panther movies, in that he can be attacked and forced to submit at any time. When the incursions become ever more threatening, and he tries to back out, he cannot - the fear that the line of safety will be crossed is not just part of the fetish, but it still turns him on even as it endangers his son.

Later in the film, we realize we're watching a film within a film - the final work of a senile, 100 year-old director whose personal fetish is to force us to watch his weird fantasies onscreen, much to the befuddlement of the executives who've greenlit it. Naturally, to promote this film, Drafthouse Films decided I should come and visit a professional dominatrix's dungeon, though I was forbidden from revealing the location - I'll say only that the surrounding neighborhood felt calm and suburban and the residents would probably be extremely surprised if they knew.

I could tell you more, but fuck it...you want to SEE some stuff, right? Like me suffering the appropriate punishment for liking a Michael Bay movie? Come in....

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Ask Luke's Mother in Law: Great Balls of Furry Lovin'

Thursday, January 22, 2015 at 7:30 am

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In which ex-cop/crazy cat lady/mom-in-law Martha Boyd answers your questions from the coziness of the Joshua Tree desert. All questions and answers are real.

Hey, well, here we are with another week under our belts. I watched the Oscar announcements from the lair in Joshua Tree, and will have to say I was disappointed that Best Director was an old boys' group. The director of Selma, Ava DuVernay, got totally snubbed. I mean, please, Selma got best picture - did it make itself?


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So Many Ironies: Triple H Voices the Hulk in Botched Marvel Touring Experience Hated by Fans

Tuesday, January 20, 2015 at 3:30 pm

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WWE's Triple H was once rumored to play Thor. He has repeatedly fought a guy named Hulk. His most famous ex-girlfriend Chyna played She-Hulk in a porno. And now he gets to voice the Incredible Hulk - in the Marvel Experience interactive touring attraction (not be confused with the live touring stunt show Marvel Universe LIVE!).

You might think to yourself, why hire a guy who is hated by fans for being clueless to his viewers' desires and arrogant enough to assume we want to see far more of him than we actually do? Well, it's revealed as a pretty perfect match once you read the Yelp reviews of the show...

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Our Adventures at the First-Ever Hello Kitty Con

Friday, October 31, 2014 at 1:10 pm

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"Hello, Kitty. I want to play a game..."

For those who haven't been following along on Twitter, I've spent the last two days at Hello Kitty Con, which was every bit as strange as one might expect. Unlike at Comic-Con, the press preview night was strictly for press, and gave attendees space to walk around and shop with ease. Like Comic-Con, the next day was utterly insane, with lines that went on forever and Internet/phones getting their signals choked out.

What strikes me as unusual about Hello Kitty - which may be more common for girl toys, such as Barbie - is that even though there are comics, cartoons and such, her strength lies in being a bit of a blank slate for people to project whatever they wish onto her. Nobody at the Con, for example, would have an argument over what Hello Kitty would or would not do, because she can do anything you want. Except NOT sell endless reams of expensive, exclusive merchandise.

I put together a featurette for your entertainment...

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Somebody Found a Way to Make Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland Even Creepier (Also Entertaining)

Friday, October 31, 2014 at 8:00 am

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Take a character from the forced-weirdness, trying-too-hard, "quirky" retelling of Lewis Carroll...then recreate her with a soul-devouring puppet head, several Playing Card soldiers controlled by rods emanating from her outfit, and add disco and dance tunes. This old fashioned feat of engineering, cosplay and dancing ability is immediately way cooler than anything Tim Burton managed to do with all the 3D post-converted CGI in the world.

Just don't stare too long into the eyes you see pictured above. Nothing lives there.

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GWAR's Tribute to Late Lead Singer Oderus Is a Pet Shop Boys Cover

Wednesday, October 29, 2014 at 10:00 am

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What did you expect - "Tears in Heaven"?

The AV Club has an ongoing feature where they invite bands in to do unlikely covers from a limited list, and GWAR were game - though they turn their metal take on "West End Girls" into a totally new tune at the end that focuses on the untimely death of Dave Brockie/Oderus Urungus.

Is it weirder than when The Pet Shop Boys covered Elvis? You be the judge...

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I READ YOUR FANFIC! Anthropomorphized "America" Gets Raped by McDonald's Happy Meals

Friday, October 10, 2014 at 5:22 pm

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If you want to submit fan fiction for me to read, please send it - or a link to it - to toplessrobot-at-gmail-dot-com with subject line "Read my Fanfic!"

Title: "America Goes To McDonald's And Never Comes Back (Part 1 of 2)" by Konata101

Logline: "America," a nation embodied herein by an overweight man with glasses named Alfred, investigates an empty McDonald's. Or so he thinks. It's full of evil, homicidal Happy Meals who proceed to have their way with him.

Acts Involved: Guro, oral rape, force-feeding, bone-breaking, anal violation, enema fetish, anal gang-rape

Participants: America, the McDonald's Happy Meal creatures.

The Live Reading/Performance...

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If North Korea Ever Goes to War Against Cinderblocks, They'll Probably Totally Win

Wednesday, September 3, 2014 at 4:00 pm

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Their missiles fail, their military starves...but by golly, the North Korean army can put together a martial arts demonstration that's at least as good as the TV commercial made by that guy down at the strip mall who has a framed photo of Chuck Norris in his window!

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I READ YOUR FANFIC! "The Quest for the Holey Grail Part 2" by KingAurthr2

Friday, August 29, 2014 at 8:00 am

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If you want to submit fan fiction for me to read, please send it - or a link to it - to toplessrobot-at-gmail-dot-com with subject line "Read my Fanfic!"

The real quest is my quest to get through the dumbest fucking thing I have ever read and maintain my composure. We're not there yet, but Greg and I give it our all in another "exciting" installment of this all-out assault on spelling, grammar and logic.

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7 Hilarious U.S. Rip-Offs at England's Drayton Manor Theme Park

Thursday, August 28, 2014 at 6:00 am

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One of the ways to lure my wife to England for a vacation was the promise of seeing the Harry Potter studio tour outside of London. The other was Thomas the Tank Engine Land, which is a small corner of the larger theme park called Drayton Manor. Thematically, the larger park is a bit disjointed - it wants to have something for everyone, and thus there's no overarching theme. You have the Thomas rides for kids, from which adults without accompanying minors are actually banned; a small zoo tucked away from everything else that mostly seems to have emus; various high-intensity thrill rides, various not-so-thrilling rides, and rather disappointing food stands.

One thing that is clear is that whoever designed the park based parts of it on popular American theme parks...apparently without entirely understanding why. If Disneyland and Universal Studios are Superman, Drayton at times feels like Bizarro's cube-world...or an Axel Braun porn parody without any naked people. Here are its strangest interpretations of American attractions...

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