Submit YOUR Questions for The X-Files' Dean Haglund and His Filmmaking Partner Phil Leirness

Tuesday, February 24, 2015 at 3:19 pm

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Dean Haglund is best known as Langly in The X-Files and The Lone Gunmen. Phil Leirness is a film director best known for the mock-doc Karl Rove, I Love You. Together, they host the Chillpak Hollywood Hour podcast, but tonight they'll be recording an episode of Topless Robot Live with us.

If you have any questions for Phil and Dean, or even Luke and Julia, post them in comments below and we'll get to as many as we can.

Good News, Wichita - That Organ-Playing Clown Robot You Lost Was Found in a Sex Offender's Home

Thursday, February 19, 2015 at 2:20 pm

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It's always a win when sex offenders take out their urges on mechanical clowns instead of real people, and yet it's still messed up that folks like that walk the earth.

Louie the Clown's long nightmare has finally ended.

Nearly a decade after he went missing, the beloved mascot at Wichita's Joyland amusement park is free again and was to be re-introduced during a media briefing Thursday morning.

The thief, who is currently serving a life sentence is described as "former employee of the park who built and renovated organs." What kind of organs, I now wonder.
"It is a great feeling we finally have found it," said Margaret Nelson Spear. "And that it is where it is supposed to be at least in our hands and then we can do what we want. It is a big relief. We are pleased."
"In our hands and then we can do what we want?" Are you aware of how creepy that sounds, in context?
"Louie at the organ is what all children remember," Kite said.
In their nightmares, I'm sure. Check him out in motion...

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Ask Luke's Mother in Law: Fifty Shades of NOPE

Thursday, February 19, 2015 at 6:30 am

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In which ex-cop/crazy cat lady/mom-in-law Martha Boyd answers your questions from the coziness of the Joshua Tree desert.

Happy Thursday. Hopefully we all made it thru Valentines Day. Next up, St Pat's Day, I believe. This week I have attached a photo of the lovely flowers and candle that I got from Julia and LYT for Valentines Day. They even included a card for St Patrick's Day. This is a thing John used to do. He always picked a card that had nothing to do with the holiday the gift was being sent for. They also shopped at Cactus Flower in Yucca Valley. This is the florist that our family has used for years and did the flowers for Julia and LYTs wedding a couple of years ago.

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In England, an Anthem and a Festival for Guys With Small Penises

Tuesday, February 17, 2015 at 11:45 am

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If you have a small penis, I can understand being sensitive about it. If you have a small penis and (allegedly) a girlfriend, I can't entirely understand why you'd want to go over-the-top in calling attention to it. Like, I dunno, penning and singing a medieval-style ballad about your dick. And then organizing a night of cabaret called "The Big Small Penis Party" - although charging men per number of inches claimed is a genius fundraising idea.

I know London's a hike for most of you. So just listen to Antony Smith's song/poem, and by the time you're done, you won't want to go anyway.

[There, Julia: I finally wrote an article about penises. Was it all you'd hoped?]

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Our First PODCAST! Listen to the Pilot of "Topless Robot LIVE!" Right Now

Friday, January 30, 2015 at 1:30 pm

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I have been wanting to do this for two years now, and it finally happened. I'm a relative noob to the world of podcasting - though I've appeared on a few - and this our first test episode. There will be more.

If you have questions or comments you'd like addressed in the next episode, leave them below. Depending on volume, we'll answer some or all. Also, if you or a client of yours works in entertainment, toys, comics, science or any of our other areas of coverage and would like to be on the show, shoot an email to toplessrobot at gmail with subject line "TopBotCast."

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A UK Gallery Made a Giant Ball Pit for Adults, and the Jokes Just Write Themselves

Thursday, January 29, 2015 at 12:00 pm

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Pearlfisher Gallery

These women have balls all over their bodies. They're total ball-divers. Kickin' it in the balls. Enjoying an experience that busted many ball sacks. Balls.

Oh, but it gets better. The place this ball pit is located is called the Pearlfisher Gallery. So the balls are basically giving them Pearlfisher necklaces. Being a real Pearlfisher means going balls-deep. It's no wonder this place is so popular that it's by appointment only: you have to make it hard to enjoy the full effect of the Pearlfisher's immersion in balls.

There is also a bar in the gallery. I really hope they serve warm nuts.

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Topless Robot Visits a Sex Dungeon

Thursday, January 22, 2015 at 9:00 am

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In the unusual Japanese film (but I repeat myself) R100, which opens tomorrow in theaters and on-demand and you should see, a man signs himself up for a dominatrix service that operates like Kato in the Pink Panther movies, in that he can be attacked and forced to submit at any time. When the incursions become ever more threatening, and he tries to back out, he cannot - the fear that the line of safety will be crossed is not just part of the fetish, but it still turns him on even as it endangers his son.

Later in the film, we realize we're watching a film within a film - the final work of a senile, 100 year-old director whose personal fetish is to force us to watch his weird fantasies onscreen, much to the befuddlement of the executives who've greenlit it. Naturally, to promote this film, Drafthouse Films decided I should come and visit a professional dominatrix's dungeon, though I was forbidden from revealing the location - I'll say only that the surrounding neighborhood felt calm and suburban and the residents would probably be extremely surprised if they knew.

I could tell you more, but fuck it...you want to SEE some stuff, right? Like me suffering the appropriate punishment for liking a Michael Bay movie? Come in....

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Ask Luke's Mother in Law: Great Balls of Furry Lovin'

Thursday, January 22, 2015 at 7:30 am

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In which ex-cop/crazy cat lady/mom-in-law Martha Boyd answers your questions from the coziness of the Joshua Tree desert. All questions and answers are real.

Hey, well, here we are with another week under our belts. I watched the Oscar announcements from the lair in Joshua Tree, and will have to say I was disappointed that Best Director was an old boys' group. The director of Selma, Ava DuVernay, got totally snubbed. I mean, please, Selma got best picture - did it make itself?


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So Many Ironies: Triple H Voices the Hulk in Botched Marvel Touring Experience Hated by Fans

Tuesday, January 20, 2015 at 3:30 pm

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WWE's Triple H was once rumored to play Thor. He has repeatedly fought a guy named Hulk. His most famous ex-girlfriend Chyna played She-Hulk in a porno. And now he gets to voice the Incredible Hulk - in the Marvel Experience interactive touring attraction (not be confused with the live touring stunt show Marvel Universe LIVE!).

You might think to yourself, why hire a guy who is hated by fans for being clueless to his viewers' desires and arrogant enough to assume we want to see far more of him than we actually do? Well, it's revealed as a pretty perfect match once you read the Yelp reviews of the show...

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Our Adventures at the First-Ever Hello Kitty Con

Friday, October 31, 2014 at 1:10 pm

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"Hello, Kitty. I want to play a game..."

For those who haven't been following along on Twitter, I've spent the last two days at Hello Kitty Con, which was every bit as strange as one might expect. Unlike at Comic-Con, the press preview night was strictly for press, and gave attendees space to walk around and shop with ease. Like Comic-Con, the next day was utterly insane, with lines that went on forever and Internet/phones getting their signals choked out.

What strikes me as unusual about Hello Kitty - which may be more common for girl toys, such as Barbie - is that even though there are comics, cartoons and such, her strength lies in being a bit of a blank slate for people to project whatever they wish onto her. Nobody at the Con, for example, would have an argument over what Hello Kitty would or would not do, because she can do anything you want. Except NOT sell endless reams of expensive, exclusive merchandise.

I put together a featurette for your entertainment...

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