Topless Robot

Cylons Are Pedophiles

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 17:00:15 -0500

Look, I understand this troubled little girl is actually leading them on, what with her come-hither looks, her gallivanting about, singing about how she wants a "Robot Man" and her lingering -- and wholly inappropriate -- kisses. But robots are not supposed to act upon these things. It's a good thing Chris Hansen had a shitty original Starbuck costume, or this little lady would be in real trouble. Thanks to Baltin for the tip.

Video of Porn Stars Playing Dungeons & Dragons

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 16:07:30 -0500

I told you a few weeks ago about the truly fabulous blog D&D with Porn Stars, written by Zak Sabbath, and the upcoming tie-in show "I Hit It with My Axe." Well, the first episode went online this afternoon at The Escapist, and seriously, porn stars playing D&D is such a fabulous concept that it needs to be shared with one and all, so I put the episode above. Sasha Grey guest stars, you meet the party, it's all keen. io9 has a great interview with player Satine Phoenix, and Zak Sabbath has two fantastic posts on the show, one of which mostly consists of what D&D rules he'll be using, with assorted gems like "Racial bonuses will be 3.5. Gnomes will be treated as dwarves, only midwestern and possibly homosexual."

So that's all well and good, but I didn't want the titillation of watching porn stars play RPGs make anyone ignore that Zak Sabbath's blog is basically the best website on the internet. His thought on role-playing, corraling players, creating a fantasy world, the give and take of DMing is insightful, borderline brilliant at times, and always entertaining. Seriously, if you can read this post, titled "Conan Knew More About Cimmeria Than Howard Did" and not come away enriched, either about RPGs in specific or storytelling in general, I... I'll just be shocked, is all. Read it. Please. I can't recommend it enough.

HOLY F@#$LLAMAS RYAN REYNOLDS IS WEARING THE GREEN LANTERN RING

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 15:05:06 -0500

Those hard-hitting journalists and masters of placing two images next to each other at Comic Book Movie.com have found a picture of Ryan Reynolds, who's just begun shooting Green Lantern in New Orleans, wearing the Green Lantern power ring! I know! I can hardly stop masturbating long enough to type this article! But check out this incredible pic!

See? There's a small smudge on Reynolds' right hand! It's got to be the ring! Or some dirt! Or a smudge on the camera! Since the picture is from 300 feet or so away and blurry besides, it's a little difficult to tell! But it's probably the ring! And one day, when we can distinguish any possible characteristics about it, it'll be super-exciting! WHEEEEEEEE

Super Terrific Japanese Thing: Gravescrapers

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 14:11:15 -0500

Hmm. Maybe that's not the right word. Skygraves? Grave-skyscapers? One tall building that houses countless dead people, all of which can be accessed kind of a like a New York City parking lot, except instead of a surly valet bringing down your car, a robot bring the ashes of your loved ones. Maybe I'm not explaining this very well. Let me let Japan Sugoi do it:

Japan is a densely populated, mountainous country with a fast aging population. There is a shortage of final resting places, especially in the big cities such as Tokyo where burial plots can cost more than US$100,000.

Japanese company Nichiryoku has created an interactive family plot that fuses technology with the traditional - multi-story high tech graveyards. Inside the building the cremated remains of your loved ones are stored in a personal sealed box which is kept in an underground vault. When you wish to access the box you scan an RFID card which then tells the system to bring up your box and place it in the prayer area.

You know, this is actually a great idea. Saves space, give people a place to mourn/honor their loved ones without have to store ashes in their homes. But it's still a little creepy. I mean, in a way, Japan has finally made a vending machine full of dead people. I guess we all knew it would happen eventually.

Oh God the Na'Vi Are Proselytizing

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 12:00:26 -0500

The crazy, multiple-Tivo-owning pastor was right! Those horrible hippie-pagan-Eastern Buddhist satanists are now trying to convert the masses to their diabolical Avatar lifestyle of tree-loving, hair tentacle sex with animals, and satan worship! And they're using ChatRoulette to do it, which is technology, which is also evil, or maybe it's not evil, I can't really remember! Man, thanks to everyone who sent in this dire news. I think I'm going to seek some spiritual solace with a nap, and maybe possibly a beer.

Scott Pilgrim Markets It Together

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 11:22:27 -0500

It's the first poster for the Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World movie, and while it's not the most exciting movie poster in the world, it very much seems like an image that could have come directly from the wonderful Bryan Lee O'Malley comic. I can't tell you how excited I am about this flick, not only because I love the comics, but also because Shaun of the Dead's Edgar Wright is directing it; I can't think of another director and project so well suited to each other. Frankly, if I had to decide between seeing only this and Tron: Legacy, I'd probably just explode. I know there's some people out there who are concerned about/hate Michael Cera, but I'm not. It's not his fault that his fantastic role/performance in Arrested Development created Hollywood's love of the "Michael Cera-type," or that he's been cast exclusively in those roles; I think he probably has some range, and he'll be able to show it off in Scott Pilgrim. For Cera to not only hold his own with the comedy geniuses of Arrested Development but actually steal scenes from them, well, he gets the benefit of the doubt in my book, at least. (Via Comics Alliance)

Nice Suitcase

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 10:35:02 -0500

First of all, the good news: there's going to be a 6-inch, Marvel Legends-sized Iron Man 2 movie toyline, and it's going to include Tony Stark in his awesome suitcase armor, seen above, and also known as the Mark V. Now, the bad news: this line is going to be a Wal-Mart exclusive. Goddammit. I hate store exclusive toys, and now that entire toylines are becoming exclusive and not just certain figures in those toylines, it's getting even more absurd. As far as I know, the only three figures in this 6-inch series will be this guy, the Mark VI (that's the new armor with the triangle arc reactor) and War Machine, which most of us will never see on pegs. Thanks for the awesome figures we'll never get, Hasbro. Much appreciated. (Via Marvelous news)

Is Exploding S#$% Really a Just Cause?

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 09:47:40 -0500

I remain unconvinced that it is, but Just Cause 2 -- a sequel to a game I couldn't have paid less attention -- still looks fun. The demo's out for download on Xbox Live (and PSN, I assume) and I do support the idea of a sandbox game where your sole purpose is to "cause chaos," i.e. blow shit up. I was not able to hop onto jets or rockets in the demo (probably because I couldn't find any) but it's also nice to see that that remains an option for the player. Overall, I'm still more excited about Crackdown 2 (recently announced to be released in July) since it has super powers and all, but I think I'm still going to pick this up to pass the time until then. Well, after Final Fantasy XIII. Oh, FF13. I... I don't want to talk about FF13. Not yet, at any rate.

Mmmm, Confusion

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 09:00:48 -0500

Here are four Lost stars saying "Mmmm, cake." Why? I have no clue. Although I do know if Ben Linus says there's cake, then the cake truly is a lie. (Via Great White Snark)

The 8 Most Evil Leprechauns

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 08:00:25 -0500

Every March 17th, everyone is Irish. We watch parades, drink green beer and toast St. Patrick for apocryphally banishing snakes from Ireland and other wonderful feats we assume happened. And like Christmas and Easter, St. Patrick's Day has its own colorful mascot -- the tiny leprechaun, clad in green, obsessed with gold, and talking in rhyme like a bad Irish stereotype. He's a trickster character, but doesn't really mean any harm... most of the time. For some reason, most leprechauns that end up in pop culture are invariably kind of evil. I mean, there are some leprechauns you nae wanna mess with, no matter how big their pot of gold is. Here are the 8 nastiest of the bunch.

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Evil Dead, in Clay, in 60 Seconds

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 17:00:47 -0500

One word: Groovy.

Time and Relative Dimension(s) in Style

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 15:57:10 -0500

Love David Tennant's incarnation of the Doctor or hate him (although there doesn't seem to be too many haters), and love his companion Martha Jones or hate her (that's not nearly so even, I believe) you have to admit both were snappy dressers. Now AbbyShot Clothiers have made replica of the 10th Doctor's trademark coat and Martha's stylish jacket for $289 and $239, respectively, right here. Obviously, I could have saved this for the Geek Apparel of the Week, I suppose, but at these prices, it's a little more high-end merchandise than apparel -- but it's what all the fashionable Time Lords are wearing this year. And in 2004. And the year 65 B.C. And 5,2,340,016. Etc.

Priest Movie is Something Something Vampire Something

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 15:05:15 -0500

Okay, let me level with you. Since Priest is a live-action movie based on a comic -- specifically on a Korean manwhat from Tokyopop -- I feel like I should be writing about it on Topless Robot. But it all just bores me to tears. There's something about -- the generic vampires, the evil-hunting holy man, the Paul Bettany-ness of it -- that just defies me to feel anything other than boredom when it's mentioned. I can't even get angry and make fun of it because it's so generic and uninteresting. So you guys, watch this little Entertainment Tonight preview for it, and tell me if you don't mind if I just ignore Priest until I have something to say about it, or if you want me to keep covering it. Your call. Just let me know.

He-Man: The Whisky

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 14:00:34 -0500

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. This is probably old news for some of you, but it's somehow the first I've heard it of it -- He-Man Whisky exists.

I could not be more astounded if "Also Spake Zarathustra" was playing. It's an Indian whiskey, which admits makes my booze-soaked soul uneasy (India makes whiskey? Since when?) and it's clearly unlicensed (ya think?) but it has a picture of He-Man on it, so my concerns are instantly negated. Topless Robot readers, please, please, please if you know how to get your hands on this stuff, let me know at toplessrobot(at)gmail(dot)com. Drinking it is clearly the next stage in my evolution. I have no doubt that with a single drink I can throw a bone in the air and make it turn into a spaceship. Thanks to Chris W. for shining this light into my life.

DVD Day: March 16th, 2009

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 12:00:21 -0500

• Mystery Science Theater 3000 Vol. XVII
You know if there's a new MST set out, I'm gonna pimp it pretty hard. Luckily, this set is worth all the praise I can heap on it; it includes The Crawling Eye (the very first MST episode!), The Beatniks (a classic Joel joint), and The Final Sacrifice and The Blood Waters of Dr. Z (two of the most bafflingly awful films they ever did). Indeed, The Final Sacrifice is one of MST's gems, starring as it does the mulleted Zap Rowsdower, whose highlight reel is above. Zap Rowsdower, I LOVE YOU.

• The Twilight Saga: New Moon
I just thought you should be aware this comes out this week, although it's actually being released Saturday and not today. I have to admit I'll be ordering this on Netflix, just like the first one. Why? Here's why.

• Ninja Assassin
The Wachowski brothers/siblings' faux ninja movie starring Korean pop star/Stephen Colbert nemesis Rain. I didn't see it, but I'm interested. Any thoughts?

• The Princess and the Frog
Disney's return to 2-D animation. I doubt it's going to hurt for cash, but again, I thought you ought to be aware.

• Astro Boy
Meanwhile, the abomination that was the American Astro Boy movie is also out today. Again, be aware it's out -- not so you can buy it, but so you can urinate on it when you see it at Target, Best Buy, etc.

• The Vengeance Trilogy
If you've seen Oldboy, you know that it is a truly awesome film. but you might not know that it was part of a trilogy, based on one story or set of characters, but about people getting the most insane vengeance possible. I think this is the first time all three movies, including Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance and Lady Vengeance, have been released in one set. Highly recommended.

• Gladiformers
I have no fucking clue what this is, but it's called Gladiformers and it has a big, stupid-looking robot on the cover. I can't even imagine how terrible it must be.