By Rebecca Kelley
The recent debut of the new American Gladiators on NBC doesn’t hold a candle to the original show that ran from 1989 to 1996. Not only did the original version boast less padding, skimpier spandex, and the one-two punch of feathered hair and mullets, it also inspired 10 beloved sex acts that are performed by die-hard AG fans to this very day.
1) The Gladiator Arena
Two people copulate in a ring surrounded by fat, screaming fans who hold up signs ranging from ?Laser Good!? and ?Hard as Diamond!?, with the presence of an official ensuring that both parties demonstrate sportsmanlike conduct.
2) The Break Through and Conquer
The act of breaking through a barrier of some sort in order to slap one’s partner on the head with one’s member (hence, ?conk her? on the head or facial region).
Various Nerf products are projected at the anus, with extra points being awarded if a direct hit results in a gas emission.
4) Hang Tough
Two people have sex while suspended from monkey bars or rings (note: For successful execution, it is recommended to perform this sex act during closed playground hours or within the privacy of a backyard jungle gym).
A timed event in which the player must slap his testicles against as many openings as possible while at the same time dodging ?cock blockers.?
Two men stand on an elevated platform and ?sword fight? until one opponent loses his balance and falls.
7) The Turbo/Thunder
A threesome consisting of one woman and two excessively oiled men wearing snug, crotch-hugging spandex.
8) The Ice/Storm
Similar to the Turbo/Thunder, only the threesome consists of one man and two women with feathered hair and/or bad perms.
9) The Csonka
The act of getting ?csonked? in the eye by an orgasming mustachioed man who simultaneously delivers play-by-play commentary.
10) The Eliminator
Receiving a head start dependent upon his previous sexual performance and prowess, the male hand bikes onto a bed while the female ziplines down from the ceiling directly onto the male’s junk (note: The male may optionally choose to climb a cargo net to his destination of choice, but the zipline is mandatory).
But wait, there?s more!
BONUS: Potential Sex Acts Inspired by the New American Gladiators
It’s too early to tell whether or not these new American Gladiators-inspired sex acts will catch on, but early adoption has yielded some positive response:
1) The Venom Spit
The act of spitting saliva or other fluids onto one’s partner mid or post-coitus.
2) The Titan Face Peel
The act of receiving ejaculate in the face, resulting in a glossy sheen resembling that of an expensive (albeit absurd-looking) face peel (note: the Titan Face Peel is achievable with the usage of a Venom Spit).
Two people attempt to have sex while standing on a Pogo ball, with the first person to fall off declared the loser.
4) The ?Thanks, Hulk?
During intercourse, one partner makes obvious and inane comments ranging from but not limited to ?Wow, you’re doing a great job so far!?, ?You’ve got an early lead. Is that something you’d like to hold onto??, and ?I bet that was disappointing for you…?
5) The Hellga
The act of getting your cock rocked by some beefy chick in braids and lederhosen.