Daily Lists, Video Games

The 10 Videogames Which Should Be Porn

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street_fighter.jpgBy Bonnie Ruberg

The day Ron Jeremy played Hornio in the 1993 Nintendo porn spoof Super Hornio Bros. was the day video games got a little bit sexier and a whole lot more weird. Since then, there have been a number of games adaptations turned into pornos, including Whorelore?s Whorecraft and Rage of Bonan. Heck, Nerve.com recently ran a list of their top gaming porno picks, which even featured Wii Fit yoga porn. Who knew porn stars were that bendy?

But there are still thousands upon thousands of videogames out there that haven?t been made into bad porn adaptations yet though It?s an untapped market of awful outfits and even more awful titles. Here then are ten popular games we?d like to see acting out sans pants. But please?no more Ron Jeremy.

10) Soul Calibur IV
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What sexier place to shoot pornography than on ?the stage of history?? There?s no better time than now to watch the characters from Soul Calibur go at it. Never before has Ivy been so well endowed, or S&M freak Voldo?s butt been clenched so tightly. Imagine: the fighters line up one by one to do combat, throw a few obviously staged blows, and then end up having sex. When somebody orgasms and gets too tired to go on, an off-screen announcer can call ?K.O.!?

9) Metroid
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Sure, she?s a tough gal, but we all know that Samus is hot under that suit. Instead of tackling the tricky details of sex with aliens, let?s assume this one is a solo shoot. Samus comes home from a long day of saving worlds, slowly strips off her armor and clothes, and kicks back to relax the way a girl deserves?

8) Super Smash Bros.
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The idea behind the Smash Bros. series?that it would be sweet if Nintendo characters from lots of different games got together to kick the crap out of each other?could definitely be applied to porn. Sure, the idea of a guy in a giant Pikachu outfit doesn?t sound so sexy, but who hasn?t thought about Zelda and Peach, comforting each other after a long day of being trapped in castles?

7) American McGee?s Alice
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This dark game would make for a dark porno. Still, it would be an excuse to see an actual woman dress up as the disturbed and angular Alice (yes, cosplay porn). Maybe she could be having sexy nightmares about being seduced by playing cards.

6) Street Fighter
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Two words: Chun Li. Two more words: her thighs. Look at how that woman can kick. If she has that much power in her legs, think of all the crazy positions she could get into. Like our Soul Calibur porn, she could take on challengers one by one, both crushing and pleasuring them with her freakish and pudgy power.

5) The Legend of Zelda
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We get into some tricky territory here. On the one hand, it would be nice to see Link get rewarded for all his hard work saving Hyrule. On the other hand, Link and Zelda do have this semi-brother and sister thing going on. If the kids who write video game slash had their way, it would be Link and Midna hooking up on-screen?though finding an appropriately blue, appropriately curving midget for the role might prove difficult.

4) Wii Sports
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Ok, so the Miis you play in Wii sports don?t exactly lend themselves to a porno translation, but games like this one are notoriously good at breaking the ice with new friends?i.e., potential bedroom buddies?who don?t normally play. Think of this film as: how I got my hot neighbor to sleep with me by letting her win at Wii Tennis.

3) Grand Theft Auto
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This is a porn the feminists will love. After pretending to steal a car and wreaking other low-budget havoc (given normal porn budgets, we?ll be lucky if we even spot a water gun), our dashingly trashy protagonist will either recreate the sex scene famous for the Hot Coffee scandal, or possibly just pick up a faux-prostitute, have sex with her in a car, and then faux-murder her to get his faux-money back. It?ll be one of those touching, emotional moments in pornography.

2) Prince of Persia
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Do with the plot what you will. Basically everyone in this series is hot?the Prince, the women who help him out, the women who fight him?so whatever twisted time story about sand and sex you want to weave, that?s fine, just as long as we can watch.

1) Portal
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Ever since players first realized Portal protagonist Chell was a woman, this game has been destined for a hilarious porno remake. While I?m tempted to say it would be a sensual love story between Chell and her Companion Cube, I think it?s more likely we?ll just see a lot of tacky shots using the portals themselves. Girl sits on one end. Guy sticks his junk through the other and? magic!

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.