The 10 Types of Videos That Make Up 90% of YouTube

youtube-logo.jpgBy Shaun Clayton

Ah, YouTube. One of the three most popular websites in the world, and probably the most dangerous, since the only thing you can do on YouTube is waste time by watching videos, and although some people like to waster other people’s times by uploading said videos. Sure, YouTube is a great place to watch old commercials, illegal anime, videogame tricks, illegal TV shows, trailers, illegal cartoons and raps about robotic cops fighting Dick Jones, but those good things are actually just a very small portion of YouTube’s library of content. Actually, 90% of YouTube’s several million videos can easily be put into 10 distinct categories, and shockingly, none of the above are included.

10) The Internet Craze Du Jour

It appears to be if you do something in public that people would
consider completely insane, but instead put it on YouTube, you become
this Internet sensation. For example, you see some blonde crying man on
the street screaming to “Leave Britney Alone!” Then you would probably
cross the street immediately to get away from them.  Yet, on You Tube,
this man is an Internet star. If you see a kid on the street flailing
around with a light saber, you would think he might be having a
seizure. Yet, on You Tube, this kid is a sensation. See a man cover
himself with chocolate syrup and sing…you get the idea. Sadly, this is
what our technology has delivered. Not flying cars, but the
democratization of video broadcasting, and the people have spoken with
a retarded clapping and clicking of mice, long may we be punished for

9) Rednecks Blowing Up Shit

Most people would not think it is a good idea to put several pounds of
TNT into an old car and set it off while being within range of jagged
metal shards. Yet, for people living where even Google maps doesn’t go,
this is not just a good idea, but quality entertainment and must be
shown to the world.  ust a casual search through YouTube, one can see
such quality programming as “Shooting a Full Propane Tank with a
Shotgun” and “Blowing Up a Hornet Nest with An M-80.” While these
videos may be entertaining for the many very predictable mishaps that
occur, one should realize with sorrow that in watching these videos you
are probably watching the true face of America.

8) Insane 9/11 Conspiracy Theories

Never mind the thousands of eyewitness accounts of the attacks, or the
thousands of people dead or injured, or the scientific analysis of the
attacks done by experts!  There are people on You Tube and abroud
stills of video footage that clearly show that the terrorist attacks on
September 11, 2001, were done by CIA agents who planted explosives in
the twin towers while news agencies faked video footage and thousands
of actors pretended to have relatives who died while space aliens
worked with big oil to start a war in Iraq to capture the power of
ancient ley lines that unleash the power of the Yeti! Clearly the Bush
administration is not full of incompetent morons who can barely drink
their way out of tough situations, but in reality full of evil super
geniuses who can pull of the greatest conspiracy of the history of
mankind and laugh about it from their lair atop Mount Skull! I think
if a YouTube video did reveal the truth about a huge nefarious
conspiracy, then the fabric of reality will break down, cats will chase
apes, and the universe will explode in a shower of wooden buffalo

7) Fake Snuff Films

It’s one thing to want to search YouTube for snuff films. It is
another thing entirely to come across something that is the lamest
excuse for a snuff film that you can possibly imagine. If I can put a
pair of pants next to a pair of shoes sticking out of a couch and say
“Oh no!  The couch just ate someone!” I will reflexively punch myself
for being so stupid. If I further film this effort and put it on YouTube with the title of “MAN EATEN BY COUCH!II” Part of my brain will
attempt to shut down in an effort to kill me. Other people apparently
don’t have that higher brain function. These people post footage of a
shirt with ground beef in it with the title “MANS HEAD EXPLODE!!!” They
also post videos in which a generic explosion generated from a pirated
copy of After Effects is so cool they have to make their friends blow
up over and over again. Somewhere a time machine is being built to
stop the invention of filmmaking.

6) Video Blogs of People Who Should Not Be Allowed to Make Video Blogs

Everyone wants to talk about him or herself, everyone wants to be
liked, but very very very very few people have lives that are
interesting enough for other people to want to sit through and want to
listen to them talk about. Yet, YouTube is filled with videos, video
blogs, “vlogs” or “eeeccchhh” where people with uninteresting lives
talk about them as if someone is watching, intently, with interest,
possibly taking notes to record these moments down in human history. Search through the darkness YouTube and you will see these stories of
human tragedy played out over and over again as lonely individuals
stare into their webcams, blather into them, and provide solid evidence
for the validity of assisted suicide.  


5) Star Wars Re-Edited With Star Trek Footage

Man, what is better than reading fanfic? Perhaps it’s seeing
someone’s wet dream of the U.S.S. Enterprise fighting a Star Destroyer
come to life by badly editing together footage from Return of the Jedi
and “A Balance of Terror!” Never mind that almost nobody (other than TR readers) gives a damn, this
person took the time and effort to put mismatched footage together in
ways that crap on all the laws of aesthetics. Lasers and photon
torpedoes are firing haphazardly as ships are flying at opposing angles
in clearly different places in their respective universe. Awkward
dialogue between actors transpires that if it were between two actual
people, you would think that someone had suffered a stroke, and that
someone was you. Admittedly, there are a few good ones, but overall, it’s yet another example as to why Apple is going to
Hell for inventing iMovie.

4) Horrible Skateboarding Accidents

See as someone takes their skateboard to ride the handrail of a flight
of stairs only to fall on their manhood, fall sideways, and crack their
skull open. See then as someone asks the stupid question of “Dude, are
you all right?”  When clearly that question should have been asked
before the skateboarder said “Watch this!” before he rode four feet
above the hard concrete stairs on the board bought with the best money
a minimum wage fast food job can buy, without a helmet, kneepads, or
cup. See further footage of other people falling onto concrete played
in slow motion so you can see the moment the compound fracture occurs
and the orthopedic surgeon makes six figures. The most impressive part
about these videos is that someone who is supposedly the friend of
these injured people not only filmed their horrible accident, but put
it up where anyone could see it. Now, that’s a friend for sure.

3) Crappy Bands
Crappy Videos

What’s that grainy, shaky footage? Is it hard-hitting investigative
journalism of a Senator doing cocaine in Lincoln Bedroom? No, it’s
footage of a band that sounds exactly like every band you hear on the
radio except the drummer has no rhythm, the guitarists fumble through
chords like they spent too much time playing Guitar Hero, and the lead
singer screeches like a rake dragged across a rusty piece of sheet
metal. All picked up by a crappy microphone with a crappy image on a
crappy phone/video camera from 1992. The text for the video will tell
you how awesome the band is as they play Slipknot covers at a bar that
looks like it should be closed down for fifteen fire code violations to
an audience of five people with collective intelligence of one cat.
The only enjoyable part of this cinema crapburger is trying to guess
which band members will become bitter middle-aged furniture salesmen,
bitter middle-aged sociology professors, or dead of a heroin overdose.

2) A Teenage Girl Who Only Gets So Many Views Because Perverts Masturbate To Her

Is there not enough porn on the Internet for some people? 
Horrifyingly, no! You will see a video of a cute teenage girl. The
video itself contains almost nothing of relevance. The girl will talk
about her day of going around and looking at trees, then maybe have a
video of her running around a park in fairy wings. There’s no great
artistic expression, no deep narrative, nothing. There’s a sad tragedy
to this, with a girl just wanting to be liked, but being liked mostly
by people that if she met them in real life, she would spend the rest
of her life trying to erase the darkness that fell upon her like the
Marquis De Sade at a nudist colony.   

1) Air Show Disasters Edited to Metallica

A Russian Jet Fighter slams into a crowd of people at an air show. There is screaming, there is carnage, there is chaos. A horrifying accident captured on video. I think we can all agree nothing accuratelys capture the human drama of this moment than the soundtrack of Metallica’s “For Whom The Bell Tolls.” Yes, on YouTube, plane crashes and Metallica go together like peanut butter and jelly. The fast moving crushing metal of a B-52 slamming nose-first into the tarmac along with the fast crushing metal of “One.” Never mind that five people just died in a horrible accident; that’s just part of the ROCKING. Expect also to see biplanes torn apart as they collide in mid-air to “Enter Sandman,” and a passenger jet pin wheeling across the ocean to “Nothing Else Matters,” in this artistic expression of akin to a teenager shouting “Hulk Smash” before throwing a glass bottle on the concrete outside a convenience store.