Let me break this down for you: Lots of Tetris. Lots of Q*Bert. Lots of pornographic Atari 2600 game Custer’s Revenge. And, perhaps obviously, lots of Michael Bay directing. But really, most of these were brilliant. Like, terrifyingly so. Like, I think I’m going to delete the article because I can see far too many of these idea actually getting made. since this is going to take a little while, here’s a few of my favorite lines from the entries:
? tasakeru828 for “In a world tied down by the tyranny of ropes…” ? James for “Uwe Bolle Presents Transformers 2:Rise of the Fallen:The Video Game:The Movie. … Peter Weller would voice Optimus Prime, Matt Damon would play the role of “the beef” and Britney Spears could take over Megan Fox role.” ? chapka’s lengthy but highly entertaining Burgertime treatment ? Dr. Communism, for “When a young bully challenges Alex to a block stacking competition, and accidentally sets a series of events in motion that triggers the return of the Cold War, its Alex’s strange abilities that may be humanities only hope of staving off global warfare.” ? Will for “Are Wii Fit yet?” ? Darren, for “His greatest enemy is himself… Zachary Quinto in SOLITAIRE: THE MOVIE!” ? Cavity Dog, for turning Legend of Zelda into a generic teen romance tekkie,
for “I want to see Klonoa adapted as some sort of film. It will be
cutesy and funny and loveable and then the ending will come and EVERY
HAPPY MEMORY KLONOA HAS IS PREFABRICATED AND NOW THAT HIS JOB IN THAT
WORLD IS DONE HE IS SUCKED BACK TO HIS OWN DIMENSION AS HE CRIES FOR
HELP FROM HIS BEST FRIEND WHO IS HELPLESS TO SAVE HIM.”
Honorable mentions after the jump.
Now, some full honorable mentions. Amazingly and tragically, I think any of these could actually get made (with the possible exception of Karnov, but the idea of Bob Hoskins as Karnov made me giggle anyways):
Matt said: I’d adapt the original Ninja Gaiden for the NES. The movie would star a miscast Ashton Kutcher (because all ninja protagonists in American movies are white for some reason) as Ryu. About 30 minutes into the movie, Ryu would be jumping across a series of pits. At the last jump, a pigeon comes out of nowhere and flies smack into Ryu, who plummets to his death. The camera then follows a screaming Ashton as he falls, cutting away right before the moment of impact. Right before credits roll, “THE END (and you’re welcome)” appears.
Alonso said: Pac-man the movie. The movie begins with Pac-man (played by Vin Diesel) as an alcaholic has-been, who has pushed everyone who cares about him away. But when loan-sharks looking for money he borrowed during his hey-day as a professional wrestler come knocking, he finds he must take up his golden belt from his wrestling days, the Pac Dot, and take on evil. Along the way he discovers an evil conspiacy involving a biotech firm called GHOST who are seeking the secret to immortality (which just may have something to do with the Pac Dot), reconnects with his estranged wife, and learns the power of friendship.
Jilliterate said: Nicolas Cage plays a mathematics professor who specializes in spotting “Euclidean patterns” in chaotic spaces (A theoretical practice invented entirely for the sake of the movie). His mission: stopping an international terrorist hell-bent on destroying all of the world’s greatest landmarks. How? By following the clues said terrorist leaves embedded…in games of Tetris. His goals are simple. Flip the blocks, save his failing marriage, and maybe…save the world. Nicolas Cage is the Tetris Master.
easilydissolvedinwater said: In world gone mad… Death creeps around every corner… Storms rage, wild animals roam the streets, out for blood… One man stands between order and chaos… And only that man can deliver the news… Jason Statham is… THE PAPERBOY!
RexSplode said: Michael Bay’s “Bomberman.” A man makes bombs in a factory, but he hates his job. He’s heard a rumor that if someone can escape the factory, they’ll get their wish. His is to make the biggest explosion ever, so he steals bombs in order to make his escape. Lots of explosions. Also, inexplicably, boobs. This would get made, and, sadly, would make millions.
Gerald said: Researchers from CERN have done the impossible and created a device derived from corn that generates endless energy via subatomic reactions. The result is the Perpetual Organic Nuclear Generator. However, due to sabotage from ninja terrorists, the machine has a flaw: unless it stays moving, it will self destruction. Two scientists, Peter O’Neil and Patrick Toole, are left with the task of keeping the device in constant motion by bouncing the small ball of doom between them. However, they are both in love with the same woman, Heather Storey, and a mishap by one could lead to the death of his rival. Will the two keep each other alive by bouncing the machine between each other? Or will one try to force his opponent in love to miss the ball? Find out in… P.O.N.G.!
tredlow said: It’s tough entering the medical community. But it’s even tougher when your last job is plumbing! A heartwarming Dramedy starring Bob Hoskins, as a man who is shunned by his colleagues after he became famous for being a rookie doctor who accidentally found a cure for Aids, Cancer, and the Common Cold. Will he be able to find acceptance in his community? And will he be able to cure the new, unknown disease that has infected his brother (John Leguizamo)? Dr. Mario, a Steven Spielberg movie.
flipper baby said: A boyhood accident. An open oil drum, a tense surgery, an unlikely father figure in the Bearded Lady. Growing up, there was always a fire in his belly. A fire of righteousness, blazing bright now that he’s the greatest circus performer in the land. And when supernatural forces arise to subjugate a small peasant settlement, he strikes back… in soft, pointy shoes. Bob Hoskins is KARNOV!
Whew! Winners after the jump.
Other idea might have been slightly zanier or more plausible, but these were my two favorite pitches, hands down:
Okay, sir, take a long drag from the line you cut right there, sit back, and let me wow you.
Let me start by saying three words: 1) Michael 2) Bay 3) Explosions
An arsonist and explosives expert sent to jail on trumped-up charges has recently broken out after making a bomb out of toothpicks and gasoline. He is hellbent on getting revenge on the men who put him away. The judge who put him away is the first to go, taken out as a bomb is dropped from high up, as if God himself demanded his death. He then goes after his former SWAT team members. As the bombs rain down and take out more of their colleagues, his former partners must get inside the maniac’s head before they, and the entire city, go…
Starring Josh Duhamel as Rick “ROLL” Spikowski, Megan Fox as Sierra “BOOM BOOM” Contessa, Nasir “Nas” Jones as Gerald “SMOKE” Tokenski, Gary Oldman as The Commissioner, and Jackie Earl Haley as KA-BOOM!- The Mad Bomber!
KA-BOOM! A Michael Bay Film – Exploding on a Screen Near You!
Even more than Bomberman, I can see Bay filming Ka-boom — especially if you take on the generic insane terrorist plot from Speed and Die Hard et al. to it. Well done, MattK, but if this actually gets made, you might have to kill yourself in shame. Now, winner #2:
Witness an epic love story set in one of the most
tumultuous eras of American history. Witness two lovers who couldn’t be
separated by racial differences, language barriers, and even a war
between their own people. Witness a man so impassioned that he would
crawl across a bloody, chaotic battlefield to reach the woman he loves.
Witness the power, glory, and tragedy that is…Custer’s Revenge.
I love the idea of turning the horrible, horrible (morally, as a game, and also as pornography) Custer’s Revenge game into an utterly straight-forward period romance movie; I especially like that Joel cut all the sex out of it, which is both exactly what Hollywood would do, and extra hilarious since there’s no other reason to base it on the game. This entry also makes me think of the two or three weird die-hard Custer’s Revenge fans, would would so vocally freak out when they heard that Custer’s Revenge was going to be a movie without graphic sex. “What?! You aren’t being true to the original property, assholes!” Sigh.
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.