Merchandise, Movies

Oh Stephanie Meyer, What Have You Wrought

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Yes, that’s a vampire Fleshlight –the “vagina in a can” sex toy used by lonely men whose hands have apparently stopped returning their calls. I admit I’m a bit confused, since although the characters and fans of Twilight love not having sex before marriage, those are 99% girls, right? (I’m not saying there are no male Twilight fans, I’ve just never heard of one). But this — called the Succu Dry, by the way — is clearly for boys with penises. Is this like the self-loathing consolation prize for guys whose girls are waiting to be married to a vampire before they give up the goods? Because that’s pretty fucked up right there. Seems like you’d want the many, many, many non-vampire cans to stick your penis in instead of the vampire one. But I don’t really want to stick my penis into any can at all. Perhaps if I did, I’d have a different perspective on things.

Here’s a fun game: Watch this Twilight clip and try to pretend that Edward does not have his penis in a Succu Dry during it. You can’t, can you? No thanks to Gorbash, destroyer of worlds for the tip — and god forbid, but you can order the Succu Dry here. Please, please don’t tell them I sent you.

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.