[When I asked for Daily List ideas in last week’s contest, TR reader PJ — along with two masochistic friends MKUltra and Antipater — took it upon themselves to write their own Daily List, ranking the worst FFF entries of 2009. This meant re-reading all 49 of the worst fan fics I could be bothered to find last year, and somehow have enough sanity at the end to form coherent sentences. Not surprisingly, when you all learned of PJ’s accomplishment, you demanded to read it. I don’t blame you; there’s no need for anyone to suffer so much for naught. So please take a horrible trip down Pedobestophiliac Snuff-Rape Memory Lane with the Worst FFFs of 2009. — Rob]
?Before we get into this, let’s be clear about something. Fan Fiction Friday is always horrifying. That’s the whole point. Week after week Rob scours the internet (or his email) for the most soul-shatteringly terrible erotic fan fiction he can find for the express purpose of making us sob and rinse our eyes out with bleach. We read them — all 49 of the sick little bastards — and every single one is an abomination in some way. So when we say “these are the 10 worst,” I want you to understand precisely what that means. We didn’t want to create an arbitrary list of our personal opinions, we wanted something that was a little more… scientific. We came up with the following criteria:
? Criminal Depravity: The more absurdly unnatural and inhuman things that happen in the fan fiction, the higher this rating. Literal crimes were a good start, but given FFF, this also had to encompass crimes against humanity, nature, and the universe.
? Degree of Non-Consent: FFF is notorious for authors who have characters mysteriously enjoying what they’re doing, regardless of the insanity of it. More terrifying to us were those authors who faithfully portrayed their victims as terrified and unwilling. The more screamingly tortured a victim is, the more we shuddered and cried to ourselves.
? Graphic Detail/Vividness: Depravity is one thing, but portraying it in a way that lets the reader more accurately imagine the horror is… nauseating. We didn’t want to see textures, smells, little sensations. Christ. I’m already getting flashbacks.
? Plausibility: Nothing is plausible about FFF. Well, except maybe Yoda drinking tequila and screwing “hoes.” However, when a fan fiction happens to remember its source material, portray its characters in a semi-believable way, and not throw in too much crazy crap, it honestly gets worse.
? Quality of Writing: To us, a FFF truly jumps the line from “ew” to “oh god why won’t my head explode?” when the author actually seems to possess some ability to write. In a way, the crappy FFF writers can be laughed off as incapable of producing anything else, but it’s the ones that have the opportunity to make something better but still make noxious, deranged crap that really disturb us.
? Length of Opus: This is fairly self-explanatory. A few paragraphs of violent Candyland sadism is bad, but the novel-length Dalek Invasion of Earth weighed far, far heavier on our souls.
? Bonus points: We gave special points to any FFF that featured snuff, the vile abuse of beloved childhood characters, or wrongness on a level so terrible that the English language fails to describe it satisfactorily (which was roughly half of them).
Now, with all of that said, let’s get on with the list.
10) “Star Wars: Episode VIII: A NUDE Hope,” June 26th
If the fact that a story about a Luke/Leia/Chewie scatfest that devolves into Han shooting himself in the head, Dash Rendar appearing to get double-teamed by Luke and Leia and subsequently execute them, only to get interrupted by Admiral Akbar (labeled “Cat Fish Guy” by the author) and then run off to have sex with his robot servant doesn’t seriously raise your apprehension about this list… turn back now. Seriously. This story sickened us all. The only thing that allowed us to crawl through it was the knowledge that the author couldn’t possibly have been: A. Sober, B. Sane, or C. An actual Star Wars fan (who gets Admiral Akbar wrong, seriously?). We pray it’s a drug-induced dare and/or joke, but given FFF, we don’t have much hope.
I feel like some of you might be doubting me about this entry. Can’t have that. Enjoy this little taste of the action:
She got down on all-fours and took Chewie’s penis into her mouth, stroking it and spitting on it, even biting it. Chewie didn’t mind though, him and Leah both seemed to like it raw and hard. They should have started doing this months ago! Luke was doing her in the behind, crying because there was poop in there, but also happy because it’s tightening sensation felt wonderful on his meat.
Remember, this is number 10 on the list. Number 10. Tip of the iceberg of wretchedness.
9) Tony Stark and Astro Boy in “Sparking Tickle,” December 11th
This little gem on the other hand is depraved and soul-crushing for entirely different reasons. Pedophilia is distressingly par-for-the-course when it comes to FFF, but rarely do we see it quite so deliberately and methodically executed. Good God. Yes, we know Astro Boy is a robot, but the author very specifically identifies him as ‘in the body of an 11 year old boy’, a fact that Tony Stark is repeatedly pleased with:
“Well, you’re only technically like 11, right?” Tony said, and Astro saw that he was looking directly into his eyes with an intensity that was most peculiar.
Tony immediately obliged and took Astro’s entire cock in his mouth, as it was proportional to the young boy’s body that it was modeled after.
“Don’t worry, we’re not done yet, little man,” Tony said.
Kill me. The rigorously scientific way Tony Stark gets into his apparently-not-attached-to-him underpants is also sickening. Worse, we can actually imagine Robert Downey Jr. delivering some of these lines, and that just… I can’t think about this anymore. Moving on.
8) May and Buster the Teddiursa in “Adopting a Cute Bear Cub,” September 11th
The Teddiursa story will forever be legendary around here, even if it’s just because of WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS, though that highlights a facet of this story that scared us down to our very bones: The author was fucking serious. Often it’s impossible confirm or deny this aspect of a given FFF, but it’s always a little better when we can try to tell ourselves ‘no, no, it was probably a joke… it’s okay’ as we guzzle Jack Daniels. The Teddiursa story is especially terrible because of several reasons, which we can only properly express through the use of quotes:
“Choose anyone you like, May.” said Richard softly.
May looked around the room, she wanted to choose the cutest one out of the bunch, a cute charmander was spotted playing with some friends of his but she was still looking, a pikachu was spotted laughing at a bulbasaur who was making silly noises. May turned her head to face Richard.
“Which one is the youngest?” asked May feeling undecided.
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. When choosing her new pokemon to molest, this delightful character uses how young they are as her primary qualification. That, people, is fucking sick. But there’s more:
“I see you noticed my milk junkies.” said May in a sexy tone.
“Mommy, your mouth is tickling my wee wee.” moaned Buster as he felt his lower body tingle with pleasure.
“Momma, I’m gonnna…..gonna……I’m gonna pee.” moaned Buster his lower body tingling with massive pleasure.
“Ohhhhh Buster, shoot your cum into mommy.” screamed May in pleasure.
There are more–oh sweet jesus so many more–but let’s stop there. You get the point. Possibly the worst thing about the whole story, though, is that the author is ridiculously fond of the word ‘cute’. That word should not be appearing in FFF. It’s too nice. Too… innocent. But you can tell the author has a hard-on for anything ‘cute’ and ‘adorable’ because, I shit you not, the word cute appears in this story a total of 23 times, often in the middle of coitus. Ick. But brace yourselves, because it’s only getting worse from here on in.
7) Some Jurassic Park Guys and a Velociraptor in “Root Her,” September 18th
Holy Hell. I don’t think there’s any conceivable excuse for a person who writes snuff dinosaur erotica. I’m going to admit right now that this story made me laugh hysterically–right before it made me break into choked sobs of despair. The descriptions are at once ludicrous and fucking terrifying. The acid trip just keeps going, too. I wouldn’t dare spare any of you from the horrors, though, so please, read on for some writing samples:
Joffrey was confused – why hadn’t this hot cretaceous babe mauled him like the filthy descendant of a wretched shrew-like thing that he was? Why was he not being lovingly absorbed by the digestive system of this perfect, carrion-scented aphrodite?
Cautiously at first, lest he somehow alarm her or turn her off, Joffrey began to lightly rub the area around her velocigina with his chin, nuzzling the rough, pebble-like folds of skin surrounding it with his tongue. The creature howled with a terrifying, primordial delight and thrust herself back against Joffrey’s mouth, knocking out his front teeth and ramming his lower jaw deep inside her.
Velocigina! And yes, he is technically screwing the raptor with his skull at this point. Now steel yourselves, because this next one isn’t gentle:
Finally the raptor could take it no more! Squealing as if she intended to drown out all other sounds that had ever been made by anything in the history of ever she came hard and fast, her vaginal walls constricting around Joffrey like a vice as wave after wave of putrid velociraptor love tabasco squirted everywhere, dousing the floor and walls of the cage in a layer of horribleness half an inch thick. Joffrey screamed in agony as his frail warm-blooded member was crushed by this merciless barrage, and tried desperately to pull out of her, but it was too late. In a final act of climax she spun around again, taking him with her and cracking his spine in two. Acting on pure instinct, she sank her powerful jaws into the sides of his skull and bit down hard, ripping his head clean in half and scattering flesh and blood everywhere. As her teeth entered his brain, they triggered his pleasure and pain senses, sending him at once into the most disturbingly intense agony a human being can possibly experience and bringing him to such heights of ecstasy as humankind can only dream of. Then he died.
Yep. I have nothing else to say about this.
6) Green Koopa and Red Koopa in “Creation of a Dry Bones,” March 13th
Oh, Dry Bones. You taught us so much about Mario’s world. Like how a Green Koopa must tear itself apart piece by piece in order to become an undead skeletal monstrosity. And here I always thought the Plague was behind it. Dry Bones also introduced us to the idea of immediate rape as a solution to pretty much any problem, like your lover deciding he needs to kill himself in order to become an undead horror. That’s right. Rape.
Then necrophilia, of course, because who could possibly watch their lover tear themselves into tiny pieces and not get a little turned on, amirite? I want to vomit. Frankly, a story about two koopas bumping uglies in the most vanilla kind of way would be good enough for FFF, but why oh why did it have to be rape/suicide/necrophilia erotica? Why? Oh, lest I forget, this story gave us the phrase ‘morally justified rape’, which I can never again erase from my memory. But just in case you missed out, here’s a little writing sample:
The green koopa brought a hand to his face, gripped the freshly bruised eye through engorged eyelid, and pulled it from its socket with an audible rip and a visible gush of fluids. The red turtle backed away in shock and fear, his eyes transfixed upon the gaping hole that had been a left eye. His will to fight had died along with his lover’s body. Entranced by terror to the point of losing bladder control, the turtle watched his partner slowly tear himself apart. Muscle tissue littered the ground as the green koopa bared every part of himself. His every vital organ he revealed and then spilled out onto the floor slowly working from the top down. His other eye was tossed to join the other, his esophagus was torn with lungs in tow to be thrown just over the red koopa’s head, his barely beating heart crushed between his fingers and let slide down to rest on his intestines, the intestines themselves allowed to be pulled like a scarf out from their original position down to the floor, and testicles with the other sexual organs violently ripped off and presented as a cruelly made gift to his lover before dropping those to the floor too.
Too bad no one had a 1up mushroom nearby.
5) Tails and Amy in “What’s the Story, Morning Glory?” May 8th
This may seem like a weird entry into the top five. I mean, it doesn’t involve murder, nobody gets torn limb-from-limb, there are no waterworks or scat. Sounds tame, right? Wrong. The horror of Tails-Amy is mostly in the mental, and a little bit in the author’s note–but we’ll get to that later. For now, I want you to plumb the depths of dear Tails’ mind:
The way she flails around under me, the way her soft chest is heaving with sobs, the way her cries are muffled by my lips pressed hard against hers; fuck, every second I am inside of her feels so good.
…thinks the preteen anthropomorphic fox to himself as he anally rapes the preteen anthropomorphic hedgehog. Counter to a lot of FFF (in fact everything previous on this list save Dry Bones), Amy never comes to enjoy this. Oh no, the author is very deliberate about that. Then Tails goes on to spend the night after his gonna-rape-you-might-kill-you session. Goddamn that’s creepy.
But, if you remember, I said something about an author’s note. Trust me, you need a little glimpse into the mind of a fan fiction writer.
1: I don’t hate Tails. I just got sick of all the nearly identical fanfics portraying him as a homosexual, and all the nearly identical fanfics portraying him as an innocent yaoi rape victim.
2: I don’t hate Amy. She’s just the most convenient victim.
There you have it, folks, the sound reasoning and motivation behind the genesis of this abominable story. The author was upset about his portrayal in other fanfics. And why Amy? She was so convenient, of course. I can’t tell you how glad I am that our writer is trying to break new ground and really knows how to get into the mind of a rapist. Very comforting.
I want to remind you that this is the same author who wrote the Jazz and Bumblebee janitor closet molestation scene, with the justification that Jazz was ‘the only one she could imagine doing this.’ I’m… not clear why autobots need to be molesting one another at all, really, but I’m sure he/she’s an expert on the subject.
Fan fiction is always worse when the author feels the need to talk about and justify it. Ick. Oh, and one more thing — this is the start of a damned series of Tails adventures. Just let your mind dwell on that.
4) “Saving Minutes Saves Money,” November 6th
The mere fact that this exists is repulsive. Fan fiction incest rape about the characters of a cell phone commercial. I want you to think about that for a minute. How deranged does a person have to be to write this? And post it on the internet? I have had the enormous comfort of not having seen one of these commercials since reading this, but it’s a tiny, miniscule comfort in the face of this terrible concoction.
The author really works at it, too. He goes into the son’s head and, oh yeah, you can tell there’s some of the author in that kid. He takes the time to give him a bit of mental justification (always horrifying), and then it’s onto the graphic minute-pushing abuse. I don’t really want to glimpse this story again to give you an idea of what I mean, but I’m already going to hell, so why not?
Gripping one of the orange minutes in two fingers Brad pressed it against the clenched mouth of Mom’s anis, slowly forcing it past the puckered lips into the cavity. She whined miserably, fists balling up handfuls of sheets as he inserted the minute. He looked proudly at his work, and fished for another.
‘anis’ is not a typo, by the way. He really thinks it’s spelled that way. More? How could I refuse!
Grabbing a fistful of her conditioned blonde hair he pressed the dripping minute to her clenched lips, rubbing the filth on her, making his point disgustingly clear. Shifting his grip to her jaw he forced the lips open and slid the tainted minute into her gullet. Forcing her jaw shut with both hands he forced her to taste it, her breath choked out through her nose in little gags.
Yeah. And then his brother walks in on him and it leaves you with a delightful cliffhanger to ponder. Is he going to rape his brother, too, or just beat the shit out of him? Since this is FFF, probably both.
These past seven FFFs have been pretty bad, folks, but I’m not kidding when I say the top three are truly formidable in their cosmic horror. The others were kinda close on the ratings, but these three were the worst of the year by far.
3) Draco and Lucius Malfoy in “*Squick*” November 20th
If you just shuddered in your seat, then you must’ve read this one. I personally missed this on its original debut. Fellow readers warned me, assured me it was horrific, but I didn’t believe them. I’d seen Harry Potter fan fiction before. I’d read about a freaking squid screwing a castle! How bad could it be?
Really fucking bad.
I could give you a synopsis, but I won’t. I could give you quotes, but nothing I put here can possibly do this… this thing justice. I’m running out of words to say ‘horrible’ and ‘disgusting’, but if you don’t believe me, just follow the link and read it yourself. Have a bucket handy. Try not to have anything drill-like within reach. Oh, and after you read it, look at the title again. You will never be able to see or hear that word again and not throw up in your mouth a little.
2) Lara Croft in “Lara Croft on Cannibal Island,” October 2nd
The Lara Croft story was given to us as a punishment. It was punishing. Rob has clearly never read the Bill of Rights, or else he missed the whole part about ‘cruel and unusual punishment’. Did I systematically coordinate mass executions? Build ovens in Nazi death camps? Short of these, I can’t imagine what anybody could do to deserve the Lara Croft story.
Cannibal Island is one of the most loathsome things I have ever read in my life. I had to take a break from Fan Fiction for a month because of how terrible it was (hence missing Squick above on its debut). If you’ve read it and are confused, you haven’t read the last three paragraphs. I’d tell you to read them again, but I don’t hate any of you. Just take my word for it, okay? Especially if you just vomited through #’s 10 through 3.
Are you ready for #1? You aren’t. You couldn’t possibly be. But let’s face it–if you’re a loyal reader of FFF, you already know what’s coming.
1) The Pokemon Story, July 3rd
WE WERE WARNED. For months Rob told us there was a spirit-shattering tale of Pokemon-y wrongness out there, and we laughed at him. He said it was the worst fan fiction he’d seen, and we waved him off. We taunted him, begged him to fucking show it. We were so innocent then. How could we know? How could we possibly prepare ourselves for the depths this story would go to?
The Pokemon story went to lengths as bad as Lara Croft and Squick, but it did it in the lovingly cutesy world of Pokemon. This, frankly, was bad enough to put it at the top of the list. The things that happened… Christ, I shudder to think about it. But would you like to know what we feel makes this story the undisputed champion of the FFF lot? Why we believe that even if we went back to every Fan Fiction Friday that has ever appeared on this site that it would still top the list? It’s simple, really. You might even have overlooked it if you read the damn thing. Here it is:
The main character’s name is David.
The author’s name is David.
Remember how I said authors put something of themselves in those main characters? I mean, the scary ones that try to have their characters mentally justify things. We’ve known that. But in this story the author literally puts himself in the fucking story! The story that ends… the way it ends! I don’t want to go into it. It’s too terrible. Click the link if you want to see how far down the rabbit hole goes, but I am fucking through with it.
There are your top ten, ladies and gentlemen. Now excuse me while I crucify myself.
Final Note: The ranking system we created for Fan Fiction Friday ranges from 0 to 75 points based on the categories and bonus points. The Pokemon Story weighed in at 65.3 points (after averaging). You read that right. Even the Pokemon Story did not manage a perfect score. Therefore, it’s our little challenge to Rob to find a story that is truly worth a perfect score. Just consider that challenge my little present to all of you. Misery loves company, bitches.