Fan Fiction Friday: “Harry Potter and the Surprise Package”


?As I mentioned on the ol’ Topless Robot Twitter Experience, I have no desire to do FFF today. None whatsoever. I really, really don’t want to put myself through it. I’m not 100% why this is — I mean, other than the fact that reading mountains of erotic fan fiction trying to find stories that are both uniquely bad and that I can make fun of is overwhelmingly eroding my will to live — but it might have something to do with this:

I have found a fan fic worse than The Pok?mon Story.

Seriously. Just having it read makes me want to drink myself to death in some dark corner of my house. And before you ask, no, today’s FFF isn’t it. Today’s FFF isn’t even close to the awfulness of what I will call The Other Story, and it’s pretty fucking awful. And what makes me equally miserable is that even though I warned you guys about The Pok?mon Story, even though I relented and posted it, and even though guys near unanimously agreed that I was right about its wretchedness.. some of you fools will mistakenly think you want to read The Other Story.

You don’t. I promise. There’s nothing funny I can say about it. And I’m not posting it, for your own good, not today, and hopefully not ever. So there. Now on to today’s FFF, from a gent named King Splooge, which should be a pretty accurate hint as to the depravity content in today’s FFF. I can’t really post any of it before the jump, in fact, but I have thought of a few alternate titles that should sum up the story reasonably well (without giving away the big twist).

? Harry Potter and the Very Bad Decision
? Harry Potter and the Half-Male Female
? Harry Potter Gets Anally Raped by a Girl

Onward, fan fic warriors. Sigh.

Hermione was on her back, both of her pulled straight back with her
feet on either side of her head to allow her lover easier access to her
hairless, smooth little honey pot. Her long, curly mouse-brown hair was
splayed around her head like a halo, her eyes were closed, and her
mouth formed a small ‘o’. With each each thrust from her lover, her
round, medium-sized breasts would roll back and then come forward
again, jiggling in time. She was somewhat pear shaped, lacking the sexy
hourglass curve of older women, but she made up for this with a round,
squeezable ass which made a delicious slapping sound against Harry’s
body each time he pounded her.

I assume this is based on the Harry Potter books, because of the many adjectives I would use to describe Emma Watson, “pear-shaped” isn’t one of them. Look, I’m just going to skip ahead to the madness. No need to make this any more awful for myself.

“Do you remember the secret I told you about? You know, the one that I’d never tell anyone else?”


“Well, I think the time’s come for you to find out what it is.”

Harry moved his hands up and down Hermione’s soft warm body, wondering
what the secret could be. He paused when he felt the muscles in her
abdomen tense, as though she were going to the bathroom. Then,
suddenly, he felt a something swell beneath his lips, and an oily,
well-lubricated penis slid noisily out of Hermione’s pink folds. The
thing was pink and curved like a banana, and a bit of bubbly yellow
ichor was leaking from the end. In preparation, Hermione reached
towards her discarded robe and drew out her wand, quickly performing a
charm to prevent any sound from escaping the secret chamber they were
hiding in. It was a good thing she did, too, for Harry immediately let
fly the most horrific, blood-curdling scream that Hermione had ever
heard. His bright bottle-green eyes bulged and his face turned
alabaster white, the now colorless lips pulling back from the teeth in
a barbaric display of primal terror. He scrambled back from the
Lovecraftian horror poking out of Hermione’s crotch, plastering himself
against the wall in a futile attempt to escape the monstrosity that had
killed his erection.

So, Hermione’s vagina was the Chamber of Secrets all along?

“Harry!” she said sharply, giving him the sharp, bossy look that she
always did when she wanted to get a-hold of him. He stood there for a
few moments with his mouth hanging open as though unhinged, but
eventually Hermione’s reliable hawkish look got him under control.

“Hermione,” he said, not coming any closer but with some color
returning to his face, “That’s rather a big a surprise. D’you think you
could have told me about that before before we, you know, did this?”

I know that Harry’s seen some weird shit in his life, but he’s handling Hermione growing a penis right in front of his face remarkably well, Hermione’s “bossy look” notwithstanding.

“I could have told you I was a Cryptophallid,” she replied, crossing
her arms over her breasts and letting her lower lip protrude slightly,
“but if I had you wouldn’t have wanted to.” Her eyes appeared moist.

Cryptophallids appear to be nothing than a lovely idea from the crowned head of King Splooge, in case you were wondering.

Harry wasn’t particularly good at picking up on these sorts of clues, but even he could take such obvious hints.

“I… I’m sorry. I didn’t think it would hurt your feelings so bad. It’s just that that thing… It’s so…”

“It’s so a penis.”

“So what?” asked Hermione, her eyes becoming even more moist. Harry
sensed that the waterworks were about to come on if he didn’t do
something quick. Girls could be so fickle

“Look, if it makes you happy, I’ll still do this stuff with you. Even
with that thing around.” He said. Then he swallowed. What had he just
gotten himself into?

More specifically: What had he just allowed to get into himself?

She sniffed. She wasn’t about to just relent and make it easy on him; no, he’d have to work for this one.

“Get on your knees.” she said, pointing at the ground. Harry groaned.
He’d just made a promise, and now the bitch had him by the balls. This
was going to hurt. A lot.

He sank to his knees and, with Hermione’s less-than-gentle guidance,
wrapped his lips around her throbbing member. The oily stench of it was
overpowering, and it seemed to secrete something much stronger than
ordinary sweat. The slimy fluid was sour and semi-acidic, and the
Cryptophallus itself was unnaturally rough and scaly. Harry gagged as
he felt the questing dick force its way up inside of his mouth,
Hermione giving him an arch smile as she forced him to deep-throat her
rather impressive dick.

“That’s right,” she said softly, feeling his wet boy-lips slide up and down on her penis, “Gulp on it.”



Of course, this wasn’t all she needed. She eventually angled her hips
and stuffed the wang into Harry’s cheek, fucking the inside of his
mouth with reckless abandon. He sputtered and gurgled as she forced it
back into his throat. The stimulation to her penis was arousing her in
the same way that having her vagina licked would, and as a result she
became more wet by the minute. Her vaginal fluids were being secreted
in such great amounts that a bit of it actually began to drip down her
leg. Cryptophallids have much thicker natural lubricant than humans,
and it comes in greater amounts, so soon her vagina was leaking
globules of cunt-mucus the consistency of pea soup.

Well, that’s good to know. I’d say none of us will be having pea soup tonight, but I’m pretty sure no one’s eaten pea soup since the 1910s or something.

Eventually, she pulled him off of it by his hair, then pushed him down.

“Get on all fours, Harry.” She said.


She merely glared at him. He complied.

Hermione first positioned her saturated vulva over Harry’s rear end,
which was presently sticking up in the air. Thick goo bubbled out of
her snatch and fell on Harry’s anus, sinking in. Since Cryptophallids
are designed to copulated with human males in order to produce
offspring, her mucus sucked inside of Harry’s asshole, naturally
lubricating his colon. Harry whimpered as he felt the magical fuckjuice
spread through his intestines.

Truly, King Splooge has J.K. Rowling’s gift for creating a new and magical world full incredible creatures. Unfortunately, King Splooge’s world is mostly filled with chicks with dicks, but whatever.

“Are you ready?” said Hermione, placing a hand on Harry’s buttock. When
he didn’t answer, she let the tip of her Cryptophallus poke against her
partner’s tight knot, then slowly push inside. Harry gasped. The
intrusion was not painful, since he was well-lubricated, and as
Hermione began to slowly pump her hips against him, he even felt as
though he were enjoying it.

Hermione held Harry’s waist in her hands. She squeezed his sides as she
continued to fuck his asshole, watching and feeling his sphincter
contract around her poking member. Feeling that she was not getting
enough enjoyment, she picked up her wand and pointed it at her cock.


How I haven’t received a spam email with “Engorgio!” as its title is beyond me.

The sound-blocking charm proved useful once again as an ear-shredding
scream tore out of Harry. He shrieked continuously and clawed the
ground to get away from his tormentor, but it was no use; her grip was
iron. Harry, for his part, continued screaming.

Ooh. Looks like someone broke into Harry’s deathly hallow.

There were tears
streaming down his face. There was blood streaming down his thighs.
There was drool streaming down his chin. Most of all, there was his
pride, streaming right down the fucking drain.

Sorry to break it to you, Harry, but you lost your pride the minute you agreed to give Hermione a blowjob so she wouldn’t cry. Getting annally violated by Hermione’s magically enlarged penis is just a bonus.

In the red haze of his
agony, though, he realized what he had to do. He grabbed his wand from
the corner of the closet and recited a secret incantation Dumbledore
had taught him – one that would prevent you from being coerced
physically by another person.

“Pots ti Ekam Esaelp Dog Ho!”

If this doesn’t make DC fans realize Zatanna’s way of casting magic needs desperately tp be changed, nothing will. Point is, if it occurs to an erotic fan fic author, it should not be done by DC editorial. Just sayin’.

Hermione, however, was much better at magic than Harry, and had
anticipated his trying something like this. She hadn’t expected him to
know such an obscure charm, but she had a counter ready.

“Ycrem On Swonk Egoolps G’nik!

Harry’s spell choked and died, leaving him only with the rough
Cryptophallus ravaging his poor shit-factory. He howled pitifully.

The workers at Harry’s shit-factory were killed instantly, and the factory had to be shut down. The nearby town, dependent on the nearby shit-factory for its economy, fell on hard times, and many small businesses closed, especially the shit-related ones.

It didn’t last much longer, thankfully, but the finish was
mind-bogglingly horrible; a wave of fizzing, scalding-hot Cryptosplooge
burst into his anal cavity, leeching into his flesh. Waves of
Cryptophallid polyps attached themselves like anemones to the lining of
his intestine, busily impregnating him. Hermione pulled out before she
was finished, and the scalding semen splashed all over the boy’s ass,
excoriating the surface of it until he had little skin on his ass.

You didn’t think this was just about Hermione growing a penis and raping Harry, did you? That shit-factory’s old school. No, Harry’s pregnant, too.

sighed. “Well, I guess I have to be a little bit nice to you.” She pointed her wand at his ass and uttered a few healing charms, working until his butt was more or less re-skinned.

Well, after anally raping Harry, healing his skinned and torn ass is very much a little bit nice.

“That was great, Harry. I’m really very sorry about using the Engorgio
Charm to make myself bigger. Maybe next time, you’ll enjoy it more.
Come to think of it – Harry?”

Having been unable to withstand the brutal assault of the Cryptophallus
on his virgin hole, Harry had passed out. Smiling triumphantly to
herself, Hermione began to dress herself.

But what about Harry’s ass-babies? Happily, King Splooge took a minute from his busty schedule ruling the Splooge Kingdom to pen chapter 2.

Harry was chained up by his wrists in a dungeon chamber somewhere
beneath the school. He had been impregnated by the Cryptophallid polyps
in his asshole.

Yeah, we remember.

They had been growing steadily for the past few hours,
until he could barely walk. When that happened, Hermione had lured him
to the dungeon, then overpowered him with her superior grasp of magic
and chained him. When Harry asked her what was happening, she had just
smiled and said, “You’ll see.”

Not to nitpick, but if things are going to shoot out of his own ass, Harry’s going to have a very difficult time seeing. Unless Hermione has a mirror set up or something.

An hour after he had been chained, he felt his insides suddenly swell.
Then, without warning, each of the polyps matured, then finally came
bursting out. Harry’s asshole blew open and his buttocks disintegrated
as the Cryptopolyps exited his body.

I take no pride in calling this for a variety of reasons.

Each one had matured into an
eight-inch-long penis with eight spindly arachnid legs and a pair of
wickedly sharp fangs.


The fangs were rooted in venom sacs which
contained a fast-acting neurotoxin for paralyzing their mother’s
rapemeat. They came skittering out and made loud clicking noises as
they moved crab-like across the floor.Harry made a sickened gargling
sound as several dozens of the putrid things raced out of his
stretched, torn, bleeding anus. Then his eyes rolled back up in his
head and a trickle of blood came from his left nostril. He was gone.

Normally this would be the point where I put a picture of a puppy, but I’m hurting and I want you all to hurt too.

They moved quickly out of the chamber and into the rest of the school.
Because of their magical nature, they were able to secrete acidic semen
from their dickholes to bore tunnels through the wall of the school.

I’m trying not to think too hard about this, but I do have to wonder what kind of environment these penis-monsters had to evolve in to have fangs, venom sacs, and acidic semen.

One by one, they dropped into the Gryffindor girl’s dormitory. It was
night-time, and all the girls were asleep in their beds, safe back from
the trip to Hogsmeade. All the better.

They worked quickly. Each eight-legged cock crawled up a bedpost and
into the sheets. Each one stuffed itself into a juicy young teenage
snatch. The girls all at once began moaning and shrieking. However, it
didn’t take long for each Cryptopolyp to force itself into each girl’s
cervix. As soon as this was done, each Cryptopolyp expended its magical
potential in casting the Imperius curse on girl.

And the penis-monsters can cast magic, too? Now that just seems silly.

Very soon, every
single girl in the dormitory was under Hermione’s control. Laying in
her bed, the Cryptophallid smiled her reptilian smile. She sat up in
bed and seized up her control of all of the girls. They lined up
obediently and moved behind her. Under her iron command, each girl
crept down into the Gryffindor lobby, then up into the boy’s dormitory.

Meanwhile, the members of Slytherin, Hufflepuff and Raveclaw were simultaneously exhaling the world’s biggest sigh of relief.

The lobby awoke to screams and shrieks of agony that night. Each boy
was being raped in the ass by a sadistic new-born Cryptophallid. The
two stages of reproduction had been completed, and now rape was being
commited en masse.
Several boys, Ron Weasley among them, were lined up against a wall,
helpless without their wands. Ron was having his rear end reamed by a
pretty blonde girl with an enormous Cryptophallus.

“Ron took some consolation he wasn’t being raped by one of the ugly girls with monster penises.”

“Spread your ass, sweetheart,” said the girl. Ron, thinking this might
ease the pain, reach behind himself and pried open his pale, freckled
ass cheeks. The Cryptophallus punched its way into his tight asshole
again and again, lubricated by blood and a bad case of diarrhea. This
last was owed to some Mexican food that Ron had tried in a novelty shop
at Hogsmeade. Suffice to say, it had not gone well in his belly.

Of the many things not going well for Ron, I would think last night’s dinner would be kind of low on the list.

“Unh,” said the blonde girl, batting her long eyelashes as she slammed
her massive cock into the boy’s poor ass, coming immediately.
Cryptophallid spore-juice dripped out of Ron’s raw butthole. The floor
of the place was wet and sticky with blood, semen, spores and a sweet
Crypto-vaginal fuckjuice cocktail, which dripped from the oozing cunts
of all the schoolgirls. The boys on either side of Ron soon got the
burning semen treatment as well. The wholesale rape of the Gryffindor
boys was complete in a few minutes. Then, the real fun began.

Hermione made sure to keep all the boys down on the ground for several
hours while the Cryptospores gestated. In a short time, each boy’s ass
blew off and produced dozens more fully mature Cryptopolyps, each one
envenomed and ready to serve its wicked Mistress. Hermione smiled at
her new army of skittering, chittering, gibbering cocks.
“Soon,” she said, rubbing her hands together, “I will rule this school!”

Please try to get this image out of your head:

Hermione smiled at
her new army of skittering, chittering, gibbering cocks
Hermione smiled at
her new army of skittering, chittering, gibbering cocks

Hermione smiled at
her new army of skittering, chittering, gibbering cocks

If you can, please email me and tell me how you did it, because I can’t. Also, I can’t seem to stop crying.