?We’ve all determined that ComicsNix is the poet laureate of batshit insane erotic fan fiction, but Abraxas is erotic fan fic’s ambassador to Topless Robot. He’s been a loyal member of the TR Kommenter Klub since fall of ’09, after I posted his totally fucking terrifying Breeding Manual for Snarves and his Cheetara-Bengali balloon-fetish fic. Unfortunately, for Abraxas, becoming a Topless Roboteer has made it very hard for me to feature his work, because now he’s often writing it specifically for us, and it’s just not as fun. Oh, he’s tried. He’s written fan fic inspired by Topless Robot, inspired by FFF and ComicsNix, and he’s even tried to top The Other Story (which I have never even attempted to read). This is a shame, because while Abraxas is a great Topless Roboteer, he’s also a creepy, perverted dude.
So: In honor of Avatar: The Last Airbender movie/debacle coming out this weekend, the cartoon of which is one of Abraxas’ favorite subjects, I figured I’d go back into his vault and dig up one of his stories from before he frequented TR. So this tale was not written for us in any way, shape, or form, but for his own enjoyment.
It’s play. A game. I need to remember that it’s innocent. It doesn’t
matter what I saw. It doesn’t matter what I think I saw, I guess, what I
imagine I saw. I need to remember that it’s only just natural between
lemur and bison.
Well – that’s what Aang says and that’s what I’m believing….
Of course, Aang, he’s got to know what he’s talking about. Am I right?
He lived with the lemur and the bison. He’s got to know, I mean, living
with those two all of his life, he’s got to know what their play is
like. Yeah? Even though he didn’t see, exactly, what I saw – mostly,
because I can’t bring myself to describe it face to face with the Avatar
– that, that whatever it was, that happened with Momo and Appa.
It was part of the game!
That sinking feeling in your stomach is all too appropriate.
In case you hadn’t guessed, young Water Tribe warrior Sokka is the narrator, and he’s noticed something weird happening between Momo, the flying-lemur,
and Appa, the giant flying-bison. Before we really get started, this story is a bit of a slow burn, so to speak, so I don’t want to hear any of your bitching about how it’s boring. Wait until the end.
Instincts – that’s how I knew something was wrong. Momo and Appa fight
like cats and dogs all of the time. It’s so common nobody remembers a
time when it didn’t happen. One day I realized there had been a
transformation of their routine. The fights were about the usual trivial
food issues as always but now there was this new extra-added intensity.
Especially with Momo getting more vocal and Appa getting more scared. I
guess if you didn’t notice the little detail things like that these
sorts of changes would have escaped you.
That wasn’t everything. The real clue that something was wrong came
after the fights. Momo and Appa became so strangely tender and
affectionate after their spars. The lemur would be grooming the beast
and the bison would be licking the monkey about everywhere. Everywhere!
Oh. Momo and Appa look like this, respectively:
?Not to scale of course; Momo is much, much tinier than Appa. Knowing what they look like will be important in being truly traumatized later. Anyways, Sokka does a bit of spying and philosophizing, trying to figure out what’s going between the two animals…
What if a lemur and a bison find each other by a twist of fate? I
mean, there are no other Appas and we haven’t seen a lot of Momos….
But if this is love then it’s a very sick and perverted kind of love. I
cannot imagine it. I don’t want to think about it…yet….
,,,yet you want to write an entire story about it describing it in detail.
I know people like to do strange and bizarre things when others aren’t
watching. When we stayed at Ba Sing Se, and we searched for Appa, I
wandered into a less than reputable business that catered to a slew of
fetishes. Wow, people, especially people you wouldn’t suspect, are way
into nasty and dirty things.
Well, what did you expect when the store is called Bed, Bath and Balloon-Fucking?
Why can’t it be true with animals?
I mean, according to legends that everybody believes, people learned how
to bend elements by observing the animals. What if it’s always a
two-way-street? They take as much from us as we take from them? Then
it’s natural that animals would have developed crazy fetish ideas.
This is a line of reasoning unique to erotic fan fiction writers. Question: If this were true, wouldn’t some dude have to be fucking another dude right in front of them, for god knows how long? I mean, it can take up to 12 weeks to housebreak a puppy — shouldn’t it take even longer to train a bison to fuck a small lemur up the ass? Anyways, Sokka eventually resumes spying.
I noticed a bush was shaking.
Thinking maybe it was meat I stalked and pounced atop it when it least
Bush? Meat? Subtle, Abraxas. Filthy but subtle.
I was shocked by the smell coming out of that bush. It was so awful I
feared I landed inside of a pile of Appa’s fresh chucked turd. I feared
it exploded over my clothes and I knew Katara would not let me forget it
if she washed my laundry again. Then Momo jumped out of the shrub – the
little guy stood within the grass – it shook off the shock of it.
The smell – good gods – it was coming off of Momo!
I apologized profusely. I was thinking I caught the lemur while it was
doing its business. But that smell, good lords, that smell. A creature
that small couldn’t make a smell that big unless it was dying. Then, as
it jolted into the water, I saw that its fur was sprinkled with long,
Why would Sokka apologize? He’s not the one who smells like shit. Besides, Momo’s a goddamn lemur. Can he even accept an apology?
I asked Aang about the lemur and the bison – and what their relationship
was supposed to be like. I didn’t know – alone suspect – what they were
doing behind the scenes. I said they were acting strange and that maybe
Momo accidently stepped into a pile of turd.
How that was possible, well, I couldn’t figure. Except, maybe, if it
wasn’t accidently. Maybe Momo was full of fetishes too.
Actually, now that I think about it, dogs eat their own shit all the time. So maybe it wouldn’t take as long to teach an animal to have a scat-fetish. Also, OH GOD LOOK WHAT FFF IS DOING TO MY MIIIINNNNDDDD
I was baffled.
And aroused. I guess that goes without saying, though.
What could it be, this thing…between them….
I started to theorize. Momo and Appa – they were two souls bonded by
love. Hey, now, let’s be frank, there’s nothing wrong with it. If a
lemur and a bison want to live together as some kind of husband and
husband arrangement, thing, that’s not my business. Actually, to be
completely honest, none of this stuff is my business. Except I was too
bored to keep to myself. Too bored with too much time. And this mystery
was just too damned juicy not to investigate.
Juicy and reeking of feces! What a mystery!
So the thought came to me – what if they tried to mate?
Well, Momo would probably explode that in the Scanners/Head Asplode pic I run in FFF so often.
I know I shouldn’t entertain a thought like that. I mean, yeah, who goes
around wondering if animals (or people!) are mating when nobody’s
watching. It happens, I know, and it’s not something to be amused by –
er – unless I’m beset by fetishes I don’t know and can’t understand!
Yeah — who does wonder this kind of shit, Abraxas? What kind of depraved soul takes the time to imagine these things?
How tainted is this universe?
As a man who has run FFF for over two years, I can say with authority: VERY. FUCKING VERY.
What was I going to get out of it, anyway?
I wanted the answer to a question I could not utter.
Whether I was repulsed by it or aroused by it, the thought was there and
could not be denied – I needed to know.
For days and days I stayed up late into the night. We weren’t followed
and I think those two realized it too. They were more relaxed than
anxious. Now, about my vigil, nothing seemed to be happening and I felt
stupid that I wasting my time. Then, just when I was about to quit,
there was a breakthrough that breathed life into my operation. Something
was happening! Something. I heard it, then, I saw it: activity at the
edge of the camp.
Without getting out of my blanket, without hinting that I had been
stirred by their disturbance, I simply shifted about. I tossed and
turned a little. I pretended to go back to sleep. Meanwhile I gazed
through my nearly shut lids and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing!
It looked like Appa
was trying to sit atop Momo.
Admittedly, Momo sounds like the name for a piece of Ikea furntiture, so this is somewhat understandable.
Yes, imagine that, a ten-ton magical monster attempting to sit atop a
monkey. A tiny, scrawny monkey, that kept flapping from bush to bush,
attempting to evade the weight of that butt.
Maybe they were just playing a clumsy version of duck-duck-goose?
Every time Appa thought he
cornered the lemur the bison dropped onto its two back legs and sort of
wiggled its tail against the ground. And every time Momo jumped out of
the way. This continued, well, I don’t know how long it continued. I was
overwhelmed by sleep while the activity was still ongoing.
You know, sometimes whenI get really upset I get sleepy — like my body just tries to shut itself down to avoid whatever horrible shit is going on. I can’t help but wonder if Sokka is the same way.
The night I made that discovery – the visage that torments my mind into
this very moment – that night I was careful about the way I pretended to
sleep. I didn’t come out of it fully, as I always attempted to earlier,
rather I let myself linger between waking and sleeping. It was uneasy,
that balance, my nerves were so raw I was shocked by each and every
sound. My curiosity and my drive to know mixed with a sense of doom that
kept rousing me out of my dream.
Note the “sense of doom.” All I can tell you is that it’s very, very apt.
The on and off activity continued throughout that sitting and evading
Soon the campsite was quiet. I knew [ game was finished and if I just
opened my eyes I would be witness to whatever it was that followed the
‘foreplay’. I was disappointed to find nothing. Appa wasn’t going around
sitting from bush to bush. Momo wasn’t jumping everywhere. Actually, I
couldn’t find Momo, I assumed the lemur retreated into a tree and that
ended the ritual.
But there was something wrong with the way Appa was walking.
Still in my sleeping bag, wrapped in my blanket, and still feigning
sleep, I watched as the beast moved shakily along its six massive legs.
It was like the kind of uneasy, ‘drunk’ gait you expect of an animal
that’s already half asleep. The problem was that Appa didn’t look
sleepy. Indeed, he seemed to be rather animated.
His mouth was open like a grimace as he walked toward the river. His
eyes were rolling. His lids seemed to be swelling with tear. It looked
like he wanted to cry but was forcing it back just to be quiet.
I want to cry as well. But I’ve read ahead.
Stunned by this – my interpretation of events which I admit could have
been tainted by drowsiness – I crawled out of the blankets on hands and
knees and followed Appa toward the edge of the river.
Hiding within the safety of the undergrowth, I was awake and my eyes
were flooded by the visuals of a strange, eerie reality, streaming into
my mind as it was coming into existence. I noticed Appa’s genitals were
extended beyond natural. That was the strongest clue yet about the
nature of their relationship – and it way almost enough to break my
brain. Clearly, it was more than a game, I mean…the bison was aroused,
its gargantuan sexual display couldn’t be denied. It was swollen and
leaking. I wondered if its frustration was caused by its inability to
mate, physically, with Momo.
And then, oh, my, gods, I learned just how wrong I was. About
everything. Oh, terribly, horribly wrong! Jeez, I can’t get that image
out of my head! The reality of it – that it was truly, actually
happening in front of my face. Am I doomed to see it, again and again,
in all of its warped and demented color, forever? Why didn’t I just
leave well enough alone? Why couldn’t I just fall asleep like always?
Why am I cursed with this mind and its need to know?
You don’t understand. The sight of it. Gods, the smell of it. These
aren’t things that leave you! It’s so unthinkable and unnatural. Who
thought of it? Did it start as an accident and quickly become a game
between them? And, again, I wondered what did Appa get out of it? Good
lords almighty – what did Momo get out of it?
It must have been something – or – it wouldn’t be happening….
The other problem with Abraxas’ fan fics? He can write. He can pace and build tension. This makes his stories harder to mock and simply more traumatizing, in my opinion.
Appa raised its tail and cut the loudest, stinkiest, breeziest burst of
gas I experienced. My eyes watered and I verged into fainting. I could
have gagged right then and there and blown my cover – as well as chunks!
I thought I was going to be further disgusted by watching, up front and
personal, the beast doing its business. I mean its legs were wide, its
tail was up, its butt was shaking. All of that meant one thing was going
Yet, as I was about to turn away, I caught one last glimpse and I
paused. Frozen by shock. Instead of a turd dumping out of its butt – it
was Momo’s arm!
BOOM. MOMO IS INSIDE APPA’S ASS.
Then the other arm poked out of that entrance. The hands
grasped the puckered lip-like flesh and widened it enough to allow a
head out of that cavity. Legs followed and, with another hiss of air,
the lemur tumbled onto the rocks.
AND I CAN’T EVEN USE THE HEAD ASPLODE PIC BECAUSE IT MAKES ME THINK OF
MOMO EXPLODING OUT OF APPA’S ASS.
Then, gods, while I was petrified and about to wet my pants, Appa turned
and gave Momo one long wet sloppy lick.
I can definitely run a Toht Face, though.
?OH GOD NOW HIS FACE MELTING IS MAKING ME THINK OF MOMO COVERED IN APPA’S RUNNY FECES AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I don’t remember what happened afterward. My mind was so blown by the
visual of that game that the rest of the night was a total blur.
Someway, somehow, I got back into my sleeping bag and, again, one way or
another I actually slept. My dreams were not tainted – thank the gods –
but a good night’s rest like that continues to elude me. I may be
unable to sleep outdoors, alone again….
I may never sleep again. Hopefully, with enough booze, I’ll still be able to pass out.
I can’t help but wonder if they suspect that I know. Momo doesn’t seem
to care if I do. I doubt there’s anything like a sense of shame as far
as the lemur is concerned. But Appa! The bison looks at me funny. Like
he knows I know something…. I fear it. I feed him more food than usual
and I groom him more thoroughly than required to placate him. Yet the
sense of dread I feel persists.
Dread that one day I’ll be sitting down and Appa will SHOVE ME IN HIS GIANT ASS
If animals were adopting fetishes sicker and even more perverted than
what humans were doing then there must be other, deep and dark secrets.
What else are they hiding? What else do they do – plan to do – scheme
and plot to do – while we’re not looking?
My god — have animals discovered water sports? Can lemurs blow up balloons to hump? If Appa wears a piggy mask and plays Arthur’s keep-your-duck-out-of-their-mouths game, is it more disturbing because he’s already an animal?
Dam it – I never should have taken Katara fishing!
The worst part? This is still almost certainly loads better than The Last Airbender movie.