?I… I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know whether to pretend that this is in retaliation for the grief you guys give me, if it’s making up for a lack of terrifying FFFs, or what. Because there’s nothing any of us could have ever done to deserve to have to watch this. Maybe Hitler. Maybe. But I wouldn’t wish this video on my worst enemy, which is why I’m posting it after the jump.
Things to know about this video before you see it:
1) Don’t watch it. 2) It’s from a porn, but it’s all been cropped so it’s safe for work. 3) Although it is technically safe for work, it is SAFE FOR NOTHING ELSE. 4) It literally made me nauseous. 5) Please do not commit suicide after watching this video. I really need the pageviews right now. 6) Like all of the most horrible things on this earth, it involves E.T. 7) SERIOUSLY DON’T WATCH IT.
You’ve been warned. May God have mercy on our souls!
I will forever blame Mike D. for bringing this atrocity to my life, and the lives of others.
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.